Not sure if it's abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Not sure if it's abuse?
4
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 1:43pm
I would appreciate any tips from other abused women out there who come from abused relationships. Or men, I realize that it can be reversed sometimes. Anyway, I've been married to my husband for 11 years. He has never been physically abusive, but sometimes he is so mean with the things he says and does. He talks bad about me to his parents, telling them I'm spending all our money and secretely giving it out to my family. He says all his ex girlfriends were manipulative little bitches and lumps me in the same category. I tell him that I'm different, I'm his wife, I love him, I would never harm him, intentionately. He says he believes me but then keeps up the same behaviour.

All of my check from work is electronically deposited into the bank, but his is cashed and goes in his wallet. He deposits some, but keeps alot and hands me out tiny increments when he thinks I need it. He'll drill me, what's it for, why, what happened to the 20 bucks I gave you last week? Sometimes he doesn't deposit his check at all and by Sunday night, he's got only 40 bucks left. And I know he's bringing home about $400 a week! Stuff like that. I'm just tired of it.

My family and my pastor think I should take a stand and be bold and tell him things have to change or I'm out of there! I agree. I'm just trying to find the strength. We have had such a strong loving bond in the past that its hard for to just jump up and do that.

Just wondering what some strangers' thoughts were. Thanks!




Avatar for smoothone2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:41pm
My heart goes out to you friends :-) My abuser for a long time didn't physically abuse me but emotionally he does it a lot! My Abuser also keeps money from me. We are not married or anything but have been together on and off for 9 years and he has been living with me for over a year now and since he has moved in he has taken control of the finances, I don't even get a allowance. I just need to tell him the things I need and he will get them for me. If I WANT something forget it because it is not a need its a want. For exaple I wear glasses need a new [pair of contacts and he refuses to get it for me because I don't NEED them I just want them and since I have glasses I really don't NEED them according to him. Defitnley check out all your resources here on the website. When the abuser controls our finances that is a form of abuse. I even have to show reciepts if I go to the store for him. He wanted my paychecks direct deposit into his checking but however since my name is not on the account my employer or bank will not do that Thank God!!! I could go on forever but please keep posting and chrck out the resources here on Ivillage. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:46pm

Hrm...breeding season for nerfherders appears to be a little late this year.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 3:06pm
Thank you so much for your honesty! I really appreciate it, I do! And I keep getting the same information no matter where I turn for advice, that it IS abuse. I guess I didn't want to believe it.

I appreciate your concern about my pastoral counseling. And you are right, I have had pastoral counseling that was telling me to stick it out and pray for him. But, thankfully, we have a new pastor now who came right and told me that I wouldn't be wrong if I left because he wasn't honoring his vows in our marriage and I would have his and his wife's complete support. He said that I could choose to stay, but that if I did I would need to know that nothing would ever change. I'm greatful for this new pastor.

I know about my husband's slander of me behind my back to his parents because my best friend is married to my husband's brother of all people! Her husband is the same way, but they've only been married for a few years so she's not seeing things that I see yet.

I do have a plan of action I just haven't gotten up the nerve to follow through with it. I love the jerk! I can't help it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:47am
friendsivever,

If he at all speaks to you in a manner that puts you down that is verbal abuse. You should not have to support him either, which sounds like what you are doing. Why should your check go in the bank and he gets to keep his. MAKE him pay half of everything. Or, better yet, find a man that treats you with the dignity you deserve.

catlover66