Not Sure - Need to get it out

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Not Sure - Need to get it out
2
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 11:00am
I'm not sure if my husband is emotionally abusive or not. Most of the time I just feel like I am crazy and trying to project my past onto him.

A little background.

My father was physically abusive and my mother reacted emotionally abusive towards me. So I know I had baggage coming into our relationship.

My H 1st wife got preggers w/ another man during their marraige and he has a bunch of other probs as well. So both of us came into this as not so stable people.

We have been together 6yrs - married 4.

Our dating was very rough. We were on and off again with lots of fighting. His friends would get irate for the way he treated me and would fuss at me b/c I put up with the stuff. He cheated on me and would make me feel like I was nothing.

We split up for awhile after we had a physical fight. I had enough and he was with another woman in front of me so I slapped him. The rest was 2 black eyes and a bruises for me as payback.

I moved 6 hours a way but he "changed." He sought counseling. He got real sick and we got together. It was a real rush to get married. (We'd already cancelled the date previously)Against my family and friend's advice we got married. The majority of my friends as well as his would not come to our wedding. On our wedding day, I had the airline tickets and thought about leaving by myself but felt that I sould go through with it.

We married and for 6 mos or so it was wonderful. Then the name calling started. As did forced sex and his online affairs. He would push me around and I would fight back turning it into a brawl. This went on for 2 yrs.

We decided to move to Las Vegas to start from scratch. 9/11 happened and he lost his job out there. 2 wks later I was pregnant.

During the preg. I got to hear on a reg basis that he wasn't sure it was his child, how I should not let myself go, I was a slob, he wasn't sure what kind of mother I could be, etc. Then he shoved me.

Again he did the counseling thing and we had a good 6 mos.

Then the insults, slurs, and guilt thing started again.

He screams all the time. Has threatened me.

He hit one time since dd was born and I packed up the car and went away for a few days. I came back and for a few mos. it was stable. Then the screaming and yelling kicked up agian.

He finally asked for a divorce, and stupidly, I fought for our marriage. The screaming cont to where I was afraid to do the wrong thing.

I caught him in an online affair back in April. By May he threatened to cut my hands off if I touched the computer or mail box.

My credit is ruined and my family doesn't have the additional funds to help. So I talked to his mom and she told me that if it continued I should go. She in turn had a talk with him.

For the past three weeks he has not yelled and has been a good man. Now, he wants me to just forget the past. He told me has found God and realized that he has not treated me nor our DD the way we should be treated.

He wants us to focus on the future.

I had finally started devising my escape plan and I think he figured it out. I think this is a manipulative move to keep me. Am I crazy for thinking this?

I know this is long and pathetic sounding. I have lost nearly all my friends b/c of this and the ones I have will not talk to me about H anymore.

Thanks for letting me get it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 12:07pm
Wow, you have been through so much. I don't think you're crazy for thinking it's a tactic, and I'm sure he'll be a oscar winning actor for a while. What has he done to make you believe him when he says he's changed in the past? All the changes have been temporary. All of them. So maybe he really is changing this time, but bottom line is that it is probably temporary. My advise is to continue your escape plan. Save as much money as possible, get everything in place. If you decide to leave now, that's just fine, you are allowed to leave at anytime. If you wait, at least you have your plan in place and can leave at a moments notice. I am new to this board, and the other women on here are great, so they may have better advice, but I just couldn't let your post go unanswered.

Best of Luck in all you do,

Take Care of yourself.

Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 1:03pm

Hi Adesnoyers and welcome -


He's not JUST emotionally abusive, honey.

CL-Blueliner4