Not sure what to do, want to stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Not sure what to do, want to stay.
4
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 2:00pm

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure if I should even be here. I feel like I am posting a trivial anectdote when everyone here has a serious situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I love him very much. We are two very dramatic individuals and that leads to countless fights over nothing. My main complaint is that he takes advantage of me once in awhile, asking for favors mostly. He's done some things to me in the past that have caused some distrust, including contacting a former girlfriend with the intentions of having sex with her during a period where he and I were having problems. I found out afterward, when he disclosed that he could not go through with it. Currently, we are both in high-pressure situations and right now have several major demands on our careers, so it has been a particularly tense time in our relationship.

My dog has been sick. (Because I decided to take him away for the weekend and had to put her in a kennel, where she caught a virus). On Tuesday night he came over, and he stepped in an accident she had (because she's sick). In his irritation, he caught $75 shirt on a hook on the wall and ripped it. I can't remember how the situation escalted, but we both said some nasty things and I asked him to leave. (He doesn't live with me). At some point, I don't remember what i said right before it happened, he put his shoe close to my face and reminded me he stepped in it, a few seconds later he slapped me on my head. He asked how it felt. It didn't hurt, it wasn't even hard, but I felt so ashamed. HE hit ME and I felt ashamed.

I know that no one ever believes that the situation will escalate to abuse and that I'm being a little naieve. I don't know how to proceed, I'd like to keep my relationship and move on. Is this possible?

Vanessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 5:30pm
Hi Vanessa. To answer your question yes it is possible to keep your relationship and move on BUT it'll be a miserable, depressive, fearful, life along with many many other negative things. A life with an abuser is a roller coaster ride. During the "Honeymoon phase" or the make up phase he will treat you like a princess, this feels so wonderful because you think he truely must love you. That phase will drop and the fights will start again. My ex and i would fight over the stupidest things and it got to the point that i tried to do anything to keep him from getting upset. I stopped doing things i enjoyed, I cut off my friends gradually. My life was about pleasing him just to avoid any fights. Very very draining. Tense, stressful situations or demanding careers do not cause a person to abuse. A person abuses because that is who they are. Its ingrained in their personality trait. They are very good at manipulating their victims and they know what they're doing when they're doing it. Sweetie, you are in an abusive relationship and yes it will get worse. So many of us can tell you that here. I know that is not what you wanted to hear but its the truth. I understand you love him and you may feel that every relationship has its ups and downs but this is not a normal, healthy, respectful, loving relationship. He is demonstrating control over you by using words, intimidation, guilt, and physical by slapping you in the head. It doesn't matter how hard, if it didn't leave marks, if it didn't hurt...its still abuse. You felt ashamed. The thing he did with his shoe is very very demeaning and disgusting. He is starting to chip away at your self worth and this will eventually break you down. This is only the start and i hope you will learn as much as you can about abuse before you marry him and have his kids. A year and a half is a while but don't waste anymore of your precious years with someone who doesn't truely respect or love you. There are normal, decent guys out there. He's not the only man available on this planet. You got stuck in a web of abuse and its very difficult to get out but remember you do have a choice. Vanessa, if you stay there are serious consequences. He will make numerous promises to change but he won't. The only way abusers change is if they truely acknowledge their behavior and seek counseling for a long long time. The rate of success is very very low. We are here to support you no matter what your decision is. Anytime you want to vent or ask advice please be sure to post. It would be helpful to read other posts on here also. Take care. Many hugs, Tia.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 10:03pm
I agree w/what Tia said, she is right on with this.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 10:16pm

Thanks Tia, for spending so much time writing back to me. Everything you said is completely true. It's funny - I'm an intelligent, well-educated person and I KNOW that this is wrong and it's time to walk away. I have children from a previous relationship who view this man as a role model, I DO NOT want him to send the message to my children (both boys) that this is the way to treat the women they will someday meet. Everything is so logical, and I am a logical person. WHY then am I still here?

I guess I know the answer to that too. Right now we are in the midst of yet another argument and I am still sitting here, pathetic, wondering why I am still doing this.

Thank you so much for being here,
Vanessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 12:27am
Hey Vanessa, and welcome to the board. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this, when I came on this board, I felt very alone but the girls here are great, and you will get help whenever you need it. I just left my marriage this past thursday, so im still abit new to all of this, but I was in your shoes not long ago, Im young and got married young. The abuse started out just like yours, alittle here and there, taps on the head, than it just got worse. It is a huge cycle and not a fun one. You are not pathetic, your a smart girl and don't let anyone, any man tell you otherwise! I always swore I would never, ever be with a abusive man, but I got sucked in, and it happens to the best of us, don't feel stupid or ashamed. I had to plan my escape quietly and it was a rollarcoaster ride, but so worth it all in the end. I was pretty worried about what people would think, but to my surprise they were all so supportive, but really all you gotto worry about it making yourself happy. It may seem like a hard, scary thing to do, but we all belive in you, you can do anything you want, it's your life, you deserve to be happy. In the meantime, maybe find a couselor and have a talk with her/him about it all, that may help you out, I found the more educated I got, the stronger I got. Whatever you decide, be safe, and remember we are all here for you, post anytime hun!