not sure where to find support
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not sure where to find support
| Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:25am |
hi to everyone, I was directed here from a link about domestic violence and after reading some posts i feel I have found a place in which i can relate. My husband and i have been married for 7 years. We come from differnt cultures which has been more of a sturggle than i had ever thought it could be. About him, he's very affectionate most of the time, super romantic, honest and faithful. As you all can guess though i am not here because of these qualities. He is overprective and extremely jealous, i can not talk to men outside of family expect in a polite way, never as a friend. He is controlling in every issue of our marriage. He is a surgeon which affords us a lot of vacation time, but when he is at work the hours are long. We have 4 children 6yrs old and under (also i am pregnant now) and this is quite a lot to bear at times when he is gone for such a long days/nights work. He does not think we should have anyone other than family in the home to help me, but I don't like to inconvienence family (maybe i said that wrong, but i dont want them to feel obligated to help). When we do have vacation it is to his home country. It's a beautiful place and his family is so warm and friendly but the culture is Completely different than here and he tries to model me to be more like his cousins and friends wives. His temper is out of control at times when we are there (we just got back 2 weeks ago from a 35 day stay) and even when we come back his temper is very quick.
Here is the problem, his quick temper, jealous nature, controlling attitude etc. is blamed by him on his culture. He thinks this is Normal. I am too liberal in the way i think (according to him) so i dont know what to say, do sometimes. I am 7 months pregnant now and while we were there, he backhanded me (while i was holding our daughter), hard enough to make me fall to the floor. Things are getting very hard to tolerate and i think the pregnancy is making me extra sensitive but sometimes i think that he could really lose it on me. There is so much more but I have go on long enough, i think i just want ot feel some support from anyone who relates. Thank you so much for reading
Here is the problem, his quick temper, jealous nature, controlling attitude etc. is blamed by him on his culture. He thinks this is Normal. I am too liberal in the way i think (according to him) so i dont know what to say, do sometimes. I am 7 months pregnant now and while we were there, he backhanded me (while i was holding our daughter), hard enough to make me fall to the floor. Things are getting very hard to tolerate and i think the pregnancy is making me extra sensitive but sometimes i think that he could really lose it on me. There is so much more but I have go on long enough, i think i just want ot feel some support from anyone who relates. Thank you so much for reading

Usually, controlling behavior is a sign of fear and insecurity in someone. I will tell you from my own experience that I too was in a very controlling and abusive relationship. We both are from different cultures. It was very hard for me to leave but I did not have children nor was I married. All my friends told me to leave. I did not listen or leave until I was ready...simply when I had enough. To this day I still wonder how did I leave him and where did I get my strength. I am thankful every minute of every day for the strength I found to leave. I am not telling you to leave as that is a personal issue of your own. Maybe counseling...but my gut tells me that he wouldn't hear it.
Take care of yourself and your children. If he doesn't want counseling....go on your own.
Good luck and take care of yourself. There is support if you need it. People will listen and talk and help you thru.
Hi there, and welcome -
OK, first off, the guy hit you.
CL-Blueliner4
Your husband is an abusive individual - and the abuse will only get worse. His family knows that he hurts you and they are o.k. with it? Sweetie, he has the support of his culture, his family, and his God to do this to you. He will not change.
Please - start planning to divorce this man - get out and take your precious children with you. I know it's hard - believe me, I do. Take your time, but plan your life. Even if it takes time - do it for you, for your safety and your sanity - and for the safety and mental well-being of your children. Your children are suffering too. They are witnesses to their father's hurtful and abusive behavior toward their mother. This is not healthy.
I know you said your religion does not allow divorce. Please, God does not condone this behavior despite what some man-made religion tells you. My church is not in favor of divorce either - and I am a very religous and spiritual person. You know what I say - walk in my shoes for a day and then tell me what not to do! It's nonsense! I put my faith in God, not some organized religion that allows men to treat their wives like punching bags.
You are a human being - you should be allowed to speak with whomever you like. Your husband has insecurites and he can't deal with them. So, what does he do - he keeps you under his thumb by mentally and physcally toturing you.
I'm not telling you that you should leave now. Honey, I know - it's taken me four years to get to where I am today - and I'm still with my husband. I have, however, finally gotten the courage up to tell him that I want out - and I'll be speaking with an attorney next week. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there and it is a long hard road. So, I know it's hard. But - please - please - don't ever start thinking that this is normal or acceptable behavior. Not all other people live like this - despite what our husbands would love for us to beleive.
I'll pray for you. Take care of yourself and your prescious children.
- meaningoflife
DO NOT let him use his culture and your religion as an excuse to beat you!!! One of my very good friends is married to a Middle Eastern man, who worships the ground she walks on and who would never dream of laying a finger on her. Furthermore, the Koran forbids the mistreatment of one's spouse. As I understand it, a woman's submission to her husband is considered to be based on the assumption that he treats her fairly and well. If he does NOT do this, he is not holding his end of the bargain up, and is considered to be in a state of sin. I can't tell you what to do about your situation- that will have to be a decision you make, based on factors that I don't have information on. But my main point is this: Is his culture different in how they look at women? Sure. Does his culture give out a free pass to treat women however one pleases? Nope. I'm sure he'd love you to think it does, but it doesn't. Like most abusers, he's looking for excuses wherever he can find them, and don't fall for this one.
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style="font-family: lucida handwriting;">Erin
Real Love is Forever
We are not looking to disrespect you, your culture, or your religion.
CL-Blueliner4
However, I must disagree with you on one point. No, I do not believe that your husband has the right to strike you (as you stated) "when other methods of discipline have not worked it is acceptable to hit in a way that would not leave a mark, this being how you would brush dust off of your clothes, even then this is not to be done in a hasty way at the height of anger but after months or years even of trying to persuade"
You are an adult - a human being - not a child or a dog. Your husband does not have the right to hit you when other methods of discipline have not worked - even if it doesn't leave a mark. Husbands should not feel as though they have the right to discipline their wifes. Even when one disciplines a child - they should not inflict physical pain.
I wish you peace. I will pray that you and your children stay safe.
- meaningoflife