Nothing Accomplished

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Nothing Accomplished
5
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 5:17pm

As planned, I took my kid to the shelter this past monday night because he was supposed to have been served with the divorce papers. However, he has been dodging the constable all week. It is now thursday, and as of now, he hasn't been served and it looks like he probably won't be served by tomorrow.

Yesterday the abuse center's counselors and I made a decision that it would be safe to send the kids to school but it completely backfired. He just went right over and picked them up (I wasn't able to get a restraining order because he hadn't physically abused me and therefore had as much right to the kids as me)So he just went and got them and then he took them home. They called me and cried and said they wanted me to come home. But they didn't want to go back to the shelter. They didn't want me to take them away again. They just wanted to stay home. I wasn't sure what to do. I know he wouldn't hurt them and I knew it had been very stressful for them at the shelter, so I let them stay and I stayed in a hotel overnight. By that time their father had calmed down enough so I knew it was safe so they are still there. I am planning to go back tonight. There is just nothing I can do. My lawyer told me to get the kids from school today if he sends them (which he did thank God) but there is no way I am going to jerk the kids around like that. They are safe for now. And I don't care what happens to me, I'm going back tonight.

I'm not going to take them away again. I have to use my judgement on this and for now I think it is safe. He seems to be going into his "nice guy" phase and so I'm going to take advantage of that for now. I have to be with my kids. They called me last night again just before bed and they all three of them sobbed into the phone for me, begging me to come back. It took all I had not to leave the hotel room right away, but I didn't. But I just can't stay away another night.

I'm getting disillusioned with my lawyer who hasn't been that much help. He is the one who suggested serving him at home rather than at work, when I thought at work would be much better. Well monday night when I took the kids, instead of staying home to get served, he went out looking for us. I told the lawyer that I feared that would happen, and then he would figure out what was going on and then stay away all week, which is what is happening. And he hasnt even been going to work. And when I said staying away all week, what I really meant was that we have been away from home and he has just not been answering the door for the constable. When I found out Tuesday morning at the shelter that he had not been served and called the attorney's office, the paralegal said they would keep trying all week. When I said to him, "Well, what should I do then, keep calling your office to find out if he has been served, or just show up on Friday to court because you feel pretty sure he will get served?" And he said I could do either. Well, thank goodness I have been calling every day because he still has not been served. The thing that gets me is that this paralegal just keeps telling me to go to court anyway. When i pressed him as to what could be accomplished without his signature he admitted, "Nothing." When I said well why the heck just show up at court then if I'm not sure he's been served, he said, "Well probably you just wouldn't go to court then." What a freaky conversation, which left me confused and wondering whether I made the right choice in selecting this attorney outfit.

It sounded like whether anyone knew he had been served or not, this guy would have been happy to have me just show up at court, keep piling on the legal fees, and then just have us be turned away because he hasn't been served??!! Only when I pressed him did he admit that there wouldn't be any reason to go to court if he hasn't been served.

I was supposed to meet the attorney in his office beforehand, though, and we were supposed to go together, so maybe we would have checked just before and then not gone, but why waste my time and his that way?

The last thing is that the paralegal said that if he hasn't been served by this week, they will just keep trying next week, but how long can this be stretched out????

The stress of being at the shelter was terrible, and now this not knowing is terrible, and I'm starting to understand why I put off divorce for so long.

But I'm not giving up. I will get the kids and myself away from him to a happier home if it's the last thing I do.

Vonique

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 11:07pm

Vonique, I'm hoping you haven't gone back yet. What does the counselor suggest you do? Surely she doesn't suggest going back? Is your attorney well versed in abuse cases? Is s/he someone the shelter recommends? As for his not abusing you, I thought there was an ugly incident in your bathroom?


I'm really hoping you haven't gone back because I think if you have/do things will be so much worse now that he knows what you're thinking. I understand the kids weren't happy, but sweetie, if you get the chance to pick them up and get them to safety and to the place that will get them to a happy, healthy life sooner, that's the best. I know I told you about my experience and about the guilt I felt with my son's reaction when I left my husband. I know how awful it feels and how guilty/wrong you can initially feel for putting the kids through it, but you know what? We're the adults in their lives and as such we're responsible for making decisions that are best for them. Often that means choosing things that the kids don't want, don't like and don't think is fair. We're put in charge because they're not mature enough to make a rational/reasonable decision themselves. Keep that in mind. You're not destroying their lives, you're doing what needs to happen to make their lives good and healthy. Going back to abuse and control won't do that. Choosing the quick, *easy* route ends up not being quick or easy at all, it just prolongs the pain.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 2:42pm

After conferring with everyone such as my counselor, the school counselor, the lawyer, and the abuse center, we thought it would be best to send the kids to school, never dreaming he would go and get them. But he did and took them home. They called me and begged me to come back, so I did. I just wasn't going to leave them there. My lawyer told me to send the kids to school and then take them out and hide again, but I just couldn't do that to them again. It was a very stressful stay at the shelter and they were desperate to go back to school. My kids are a little older, (11, 12 and 7) and I think it is more difficult to mitigate what goes on for them. Also, they don't see their father as having done things that are "that bad" and they just really wanted to go home to him (actually I think they really just wanted to go home more than see him, but I know they missed him). He just doesn't show the real side of himself to them (of course, it's not that hard when I do most if not all of the caretaking) and also I think they are in deep denial and what can I expect, they are children and they are scared. They have lived with this all their lives and it's "normal" to them. They are having a hard time trusting me, I can tell, because up to now, I have been trying to make like things are normal and good, and suddenly "daddy's bad". They just can't make sense of it, and I'm responsible for that too. It's true, I have been trying to talk to them about things that go on that are inappropriate, but it's so difficult to do that without putting their father down. Maybe I just haven't done a good enough job with it, though I have tried.

Again, after getting all kinds of advice and noting his demeanor, which was very subdued and calm (conciliatory, actually), I made the decision to just stay home and "tough it out". Next friday we go to court and my lawyer has assured me that the judge will tell him to get out and right that night, so I am really counting on that.

As for his violence toward me, I know there is the chance that he could do what he did a few years ago when he attacked me in the bathroom, but no physical violence since then. His abuse is mostly psychological and verbal. I know there is the chance he could do it again (which is why I left with the kids after he got served with the divorce papers), but I think he's calm enough now to deal with it. I honestly think he knows he's being "watched" so to speak, because now the whole community, the schools and everything, know what is going on, and he's monitoring himself. He's very concerned with what people think of him (people in authority, that is) and the school obviously showed more allegiance toward me than toward him (I haven't really told that part, but too long for now). So, he knows he can't make any bad moves, and I'm honestly so detached from him now and my own anger towards how he has treated me that I'm not going to do anything to push his buttons. I'm just not going to respond in any way. I know I didn't cause the first attack, but I did yell at him to get out and that may have been the thing that pushed him over the edge. Having said that, I know that he is in control of his own actions and I can't cause him to hit me, but I'm not going to contribute negatively to the situation in any way.

I just need to wait until Friday. So far he seems calm and I'm just going to do everything I can to keep it that way.

The nice part is that I have at least three friends now that I can talk to who are very supportive, and that is keeping me going,and they are just around the corner if I need help. And it's great to come to this board to vent.Thank you so much, 2nd life. I value what you say to me, probably even more than what my friends say, since you have been through it. And believe me, at the first sign of violence, I WILL go and take the kids with me.

I will keep you posted!

Vonique

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 8:18pm
My God, Vonique - that is frustrating beyond words!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 10:59pm

Huge hugs, Vonique. I totally agree with you about the kids, they can't be expected to comprehend adult behavior and adult issues -- they're kids! It's their jobs to deal with kid issues, our jobs to deal with the adult issues. I also understand your concern that you may have caused them hurt, pain, confusion by "not doing it right". The thing is, I think, there's no way to do this so they remain happy and oblivious and yes, it's going to make us feel incredible guilt; the last thing we want is for our kids to experience any kind of hurt. We aren't perfect, we can't see into the future, we have no way of knowing what twists and turns may come up and as a result are bound to end up questioning our actions, whether we did it "right" or "the best". I don't think there is such a thing, all we can do is the best we can.


Know that you are in my thoughts and I'll be sending you positive thoughts and wishes on Friday. I'll be checking back to see how it went.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 2:47pm

Thanks to all for your encouragement and prayers. I will let you know what happens on Friday. My hope is that the judge tells him to leave and he has to be gone right that night, but if not, then I have to think about that when I come to it or I'll freak out. And right now it's taking all I have to just stay calm and steady.

So, till then...........

Vonique