Odd situation...need help (very long)
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| Sat, 08-07-2004 - 1:42pm |
I have been married since October (I'm 30, he's 29). He was a very charming, and giving manbefore our marriage, now that's changed. Almost immediately his insecurities began to show. He'd hate for me to read "People" magazine, because he thought I was looking at the male celebrities. He constanlty badgers me to tell him he can be just as good looking as anyone. I'm not interested in sex because of how he treats me, and even though I told him just that he still badgers me to sleep with him. He'll be mean to me, and than ask for sex, sometimes asking me 6 or 7 times in several hours. He'll approach me naked and ask to sleep with him, and he's even told me he knows how to get me to sleep with him (That's news to me : )
Recently I was watching "Last Comic Standing", and during commercial break I ended up watching a few minutes of Big Brother. Fifteen minutes later (while watching "Last Comic") my husband tells me I should just switch back to Big Brother because we both know I found a guy on there to be attractive (that was the only time I watched Big Brother). When I told him to "shut up so I could watch my show" he got mad and stormed into our office, hit the walls (which he ended up scraping his hand), and grabbed his suitcase and started to pack his bags. When I didn't respond to this behavior, he came out, got in my face and said "YOU BETTER TELL ME I'M HOT!!!"...he literally screamed this at me. I otld him to leave me alone, but he refused, and told me that I get wet watching those shows, and that I constantly look at other men. I got up to go in the bedroom, telling him I didn't want to talk. All of a sudden he grabbed me by my shoulders (close to my neck), and I freaked, and spun around and smacked him a couple of times of the chest. He then pushed me onto the bed, and I yelled at him for doing so. He said he pushed me on the bed for self-defense, because I was hitting him (he outweighs me by almost 100 pounds). This is the only time he's ever laid a hand on me, and he said he did it because was mad because I wouldn't talk to him.
Below I have listed some other episodes with him. I apologize for this being so long, but I just recently started to realize that I need help, so I have alot bottled up.
He once had a dream in which I told him I didn’t like his eyes. The next morning
he got up with me (which he never does…he always sleeps in), and told me about the dream and asked if it really happened, or did he really dream it. I told him he dreamt it, and he asked me if I thought his eyes were gorgeous. I told him they were ok, and he got mad. He told me everyone else thinks his eyes are gorgeous, and that I was lying to him and trying to hurt him. He went on about this for several days after.
· We once got into a heated discussion on me not finding Aaron as attractive as I
use to because of his behavior. He told me all I do is watch TV, and obsess over
celebrities. (I do love watching “reality” TV shows, and do enjoy celebrity gossip,
it doesn’t rule my life. However, Aaron gets very upset that I watch these types of
shows. He feels that I watch them just to look at and thing abut the guys on the
programs). He told me that if any of the celebrities were to not wear makeup, they
wouldn’t look any better than him. He then asked me who I thought was better
looking than him, and at first I declined to answer. He then told me I was not
answering because there was no one better than him. I told him I thought Tommy
Lee (from Motley Crue), and Mel Gibson were more attractive. He got pissed, and
told me I was lying and that Tommy Lee was ugly and no one liked him. He told
me to pick a real life person. I told him I had seen a guy at school, and he would
give Aaron a run for his money. He got even more mad, and took a soda I had (we
were outside), and flung it across the yard, then took a pack of my cigarettes and
crumpled them up and threw them across the yard. He proceeded to tell me that I
wanted to date the guy, and that I probably dressed up for the guy (If I wear
anything other than jeans or sweats to school, Aaron thinks I’m dressing up). In all
honesty, this guy and I passed each other in the halls a lot, and started saying “hi”.
One day we were both outside on smoke break, and we struck up a conversation
about what programs we were in, that’s the extent of my dealing with this guy). I
went to pick up the cigarettes and soda, and Aaron followed me the entire time
berating me for looking/thinking about another guy. He told me I was not to talk
to any guys at school. He continued to ask if I slept with this guy, if I thought his
eyes were better than Aaron’s, and many more questions. At one point he got so
frustrated that he hit his driver’s side mirror on his car, shattering the glass.
· I once told Aaron I thought he could have Narcissistic-Personality Disorder. Soon
after Aaron called me at work and wanted to spend my break with me. I was
suspicious at first (we had not been getting along for many months), but I thought
he wanted to make an effort, so I had him come over. About five minutes after he
got there he brought out a computer printout of the classic signs of this disorder,
and showed me some notes he made on it. One of the signs is preoccupation with
fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, etc. Aaron thought I was trying to
tell him that he was not as great as he looks, and that he thinking he was attractive
was a fantasy. I told him I thought it meant that he fantasizes about his
looks….thinking of becoming a model, wanting compliments all the time, etc. His
whole purpose of coming to meet me, was to tell me how wrong I was to “tell”
him I thought he was fantasizing that he was good looking.
· Recently I went to use his computer, and when I opened it, there was a
picture of a woman in shorts and a tank top on his desktop. I intuitively knew it
was a before/after picture of a woman who had lost weight, but I felt Aaron had
left it there to annoy me. I felt something was amiss, so I started to do some
digging. I found a message board on which Aaron had left messages on how to
find hookers/escorts in the Minneapolis areas, on two separate occasions. When I
asked him about this, he said he would have never gone through with it, and that
he was just curious. He said he had needs and I wasn’t providing them (even
though I had told him if he wanted our physical relationship back on track, he
needed to start treating me better….I don’t want to sleep with someone who treats
me like he does. Later I discovered during that time frame that he had asked about
escorts, he had also put up a profile on an adult website, asking for sexual favors,
and saying what he’d like to do with other people. I also discovered Aaron had
emailed about five women (who I think were escorts) to ask them if they provided
sexual favors, or were the dates a “no touch date”. To my knowledge he has quit
all this, but I still have a deep sense of mistrust with him, which he seems to think
I should just get over.
· One time we went to a Jordan Knight concert at a small venue. Jordan use to sing
with the New Kids on the Block, and I adored them during my high school years.
We learned he was in town at the very last minute, and I wanted to go. Aaron
reluctantly agreed, even though I told him he could stay and I’d go alone. At one
point during the show, Jordan came over to shake hands, and I shook his. Aaron
then pulled the back of my shirt, and told me I needed to calm down (which
several people heard). When we left, Aaron began to ask me if I’d be with Jordan
if he ever came up to me, and would I leave Aaron for him, among other
questions. This lasted for about an hour, and when we woke up the next morning
Aaron was back at it again, this time it went for several hours. We were at my
parents at the time, and when my mom came home from work, she got involved in
the conversation and tried to help Aaron get some perspective. While things had
been bad to this point in our relationship, this concert was a definite turning point
in which things spiraled downwards.
· When we talk about these issues (Aaron typically gets upset that I don’t find him
as attractive as I use to because of the way he treats me) he gets upset, pulls his
hair, breaks things, threatens to leave (and will usually grab suitcase and start to
pack it saying “I can’t take this” He’ll interrupt me (I can be long winded
sometimes) and tell me to let him speak, but he does it with extreme anger.
Sometime he doesn’t even want me to give him examples of things he’s done in
the past. He has even said his personality shouldn’t matter, because he’s gorgeous
no matter how he acts. He tells me he gets hit on all the time, and that everyone
thinks he’s gorgeous so how come I don’t (even though I have explained to him
several times it’s because he treats me the way he does.) Once he got so mad he
knocked over a chair which hit me on the foot, and bruised it badly.
· The other week, Aaron started up again on me needing to find him attractive. I felt the situation needed a break and asked him to take a walk to calm down. (in the
past I have gotten so mad I have hit him, and I want to stop, so I told him we
needed to calm down.) He refused, because he wanted to talk. I told him fine, but
gave him some things to avoid, and if he didn’t I would leave for a bit. He crossed
that line, so I told him I needed to leave for a bit. He told me to F*&%ing leave
and not come back until after he left for work (several hours later), and maybe I
should just go back to my parent’s. I came back twenty minutes later and Aaron
was gone. I called a shelter, and asked about options I had (at this point I felt I was
50/50 on leaving him. Just after I hung up, Aaron came back and asked who I had
been talking to. I told him no one, and he told me he had heard part of my
conversation and it sounded like I was going to leave. I told him I was figuring out
my options. He then launched into a tirade about how I needed to find him
attractive and that I would leave over his dead body. I told him I no longer wanted
to talk, and that I was trying to study. He tried to take my book from me, and told
me I didn’t need to study. I tried to ignore him, but he kept on. He would go on
and on about this was my fault, because I didn’t find him attractive, and that I
needed to change my ways. I asked him to take anger management classes, and he
said no. He then told me we needed to have sex, and I told him no way. He told
me I needed to perform certain things on him (he was a bit more graphic) so he
would feel better, and that he needed to perform certain things on me. I told him
to leave me alone, but he sat next to me and continued to berate me saying that my
face was a 7, but my body a 9, his ex-wife was more attractive than me, but she
had put on weight, so he didn’t think she was attractive anymore. He then found a
fitness magazine I had, and asked if he could keep it in his car because he needed
pictures of “hot chicks”. He threatened to not go to work, because he didn’t trust
that I would be home when he got back (he thought I would leave him). He did go
to work but called me several times, to continue on with the same stuff. When he
came home from work, I tried to calmly talk to him and ask him to change his
ways. I was tired, so I asked if we could talk while I lay in bed. He continued his
was of earlier in the day, so I asked him to leave. He wouldn’t stop, so I tried to
ignore him. He eventually left, but came back in right away, and flicked the lights
on and off, so I couldn’t rest, and continued to tell me to find him attractive. I
continued to ignore him, and he left, but came back right away, and said “I am
sick of this s*&$”, and lifted up the mattress (I felt he was trying to dump me out
of the bed). I again ignored him, and he left and shut the door, and began to call
someone. I heard parts of the conversation (he had called his dad), and one of the
first things he said was “I want to smack her”. He kept on telling his dad I didn’t
find him attractive, and that I wanted a divorce (I never said that, thought in the
past I have told Aaron if he didn’t stop, it could lead to a divorce. He also told his
dad that I talk to guys at school just because they are attractive (not true), and that
I shouldn’t be talking to guys at all. I fell asleep, and woke up later to hear Aaron
crying. I was going to go out to check on him, then I heard him break a picture,
and I decided to stay in bed. The next morning he woke up early with me, and
asked me not to leave, to have sex, and kept on telling me I need to find him
attractive. Luckily I had to go to school, so the conversation ended. A few days
later he went out of town to get some help with a side job (to which he almost
didn’t go because once again, he thought I’d leave him). While at work Saturday I
got a call from him (I normally work 2-10, but someone on the 10-6 shift called
in, and I was asked to stay. Aaron called at about 11:00, and asked me if I was
staying at work, and I told him yes. He said he was having fun, and that the guy he
went to see, Paul, was single so they had to go prospect some “hot chicks” for
their business. At this point I ended the conversation because I had work to do,
and I certainly didn’t need this kind of conversation at work.
· The other night we went out with another couple and a single guy. The guy in the
couple told me he didn’t like Aaron’s hairstyle, and I told him Aaron was trying to
figure out what he wanted. The guy also told me he thought Aaron and I were
opposites (this was the first time I met this couple). Later on Aaron told me he had
heard us say something about his hair, and I told Aaron we had been talking about
him trying to find a hairstyle and how his hair use to look. I also told Aaron that
the guy thought we were opposites, and Aaron said “So is he trying to say I’m not
good enough for you?” The whole night we were out with this couple, Aaron was
as sweet as he could be…very affectionate with me, and laughing and joking. The
minute they left, Aaron was back to harping on me and being mean.
· I recently discovered Aaron had left a message on a forum, asking how he could
get women to think he was attractive. He said he was use to getting looked at, but
now he’s not getting anyone’s attention, and it was making him think something
was wrong with him. He wanted to know how he could get women to think he
was gorgeous, and get some to say yes to dates. Someone replied and asked how
old he was and he said “24”…..he’s 29. He didn’t mention that he was married to
me, and presented himself as a single man (but he didn’t actually say he was
single. About a month or so ago he left a message on a different forum asking how
to buy platform shoes. Someone made a joke and asked how short he was. Aaron
replied that he was 6’4 ½ (he’s 5’7), and that he wanted to be taller, because taller
people are superior to shorter people.
On a trip to IL with my mom and dad to see some relatives, my mom pulled me aside and asked if Aaron was wearing makeup. I tried several times to nonchlantly take a look (which he caught onto, and asked why I was looking at him funny. At the time I didn't want him to know we thought he was wearing makeup, so I just told him I wasn't looking at him.) Anyway...he was wearing foundation, and had darkened his eyebrows with eyeliner. Eventually I asked him about it, and he said he wore makeup to enhance his eyes, and cover pimples. Yesterday, he thought I was looking at him funny, so he said "stop looking at me. I told you I don't wear makeup anymore" (It never even entered my mind and I told him so). After that I told him I didn't have time for this and I left the apartment. When I came back a little over an hour later (I had to go to a dr. appt.) the first thing he said to me was "Just do me a favor. Touch my face, and you'll see I'm not wearing makeup". It was as if someone had put him on pause when I left, and pushed play when I walked back in. He acted as if their had been no break in our conversation.
Aaron is going to get counseling, and the above is a portion of a letter I have drawn up to send to his counselor. He had been in counseling before, but we had to quit due to my losing health insurance. I told him we could get sliding fee scale counseling, but for a while he refused, but finally gave in. He went for one session and seemed to like the counselor. Just the other day he told me his dad wanted him to see a particular counselor that had helped a couple he knew, and told my husband he'd even pay for the first few sessions. We'll see how that goes.
My parents are aware of what's going on, and told me I could move back home anytime. However, I'm in school to be a nurse, and they live an hour away from my school. As sad as it sounds, I'd rather endure my husband until I'm done (in May) because we live 15 minutes away from my school.
Again...I apologize profusely for having this be so long. I just felt it was important for everyone to get a clear picture of what I'm going through. If anyone has any advice, please let me know...I could use it : )
LmoLvr
Edited 8/7/2004 2:23 pm ET ET by lmolvr

Hi
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
I am so confused...this isn't your typically abusive relationship....I even feel weird saying it's abusive. He doesn't seem to want to control in typical ways. Some of these women are physically hurt, called names, not allowed to have money, etc. In some ways I think my hubby's scared. When I go to visit my mom and dad (he won't come because he thinks they don't like him) he tells me he doesn't want me to go, because he'e afraid my parents will talk me into leaving him. He can be....strange....for instance, the other day I wanted to see his credit card statement (thank God we both have seperate credit cards), and he refused (made me suspicious) saying he made all the money in the relationship (well honey...you agreed to let me work next to nothing so I could concentrate on school), and he could spend it however he felt. He balances our checkbook, and everytime I spend money I hear about it. "$200 and some dollars for the breaks on your car?!" "$88 on groceries...you didn't even get much" "you spend money every day on cigarettes...you need to stop that" (I wish I could stop smoking, but right now...it's not apriority...it's one of the few simple pleasures I have...lord knows I can't enjoy tv without him commenting ' )
Anyway...I'm getting way off topic...I feel like...well....I'm going to join a support group (our first meeting is tomorrow), and he hasn't gave me any trouble about it. He did question my need...and I told him his behaviors have taken a toll, and I need to talk to people. He hasn't made a negative remark yet about counseling for myself. You never know what to expect from him....I would have thought this would have upset him...so far it doesn't seem to. He goes from being a jerk, to being this in control guy who knows what he does is wrong and truly wants to stop...he seems "normal"...then it flips back to this hysterical guy again. I even have a hard time seeing the relationship escalate physically.....I tend to think he'd be more of the badgering me type versus the hitting me type?
UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!! Has anyone else observed the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde of their partner?
LmoLvr
My H can be that way, although not to that extreme. If he doesn't get enough sleep he gets moody and everything bothers him. He is very insecure and doesn't (and has never) want me to make more money then him for fear I will be too independent and leave. He feels this way because he has emotionally abused me (no names and nothing physical) since day one. He has admitted to treating me badly and knew that he could keep doing it if he kept me down.
Lately when he is in a mood he has gotten somewhat physical, if not at me. Yesterday he went in the fridge for something and a bottle of juice fell out and spilled on the floor. He got pissed off and kicked off his shoes and threw the bottle across the room into the sink. Another time he came home and was in a normal mood, but saw a letter from a plastic surgeon to me on my bedstand and it angered him, although he knew all about it. He had to go take our son somewhere and got aggitated and kicked a shoe that was outside the garage door. It freaked me out because I have never seen him act that way.
Talking about narcissist behaviour, I believe my h exibits some if not all of those traits. I found out he was fondled by a priest when he was around 10 years old. His mother never told anyone and so he didn't get any help for it. He also told me that is why he never has bonded with anyone. Lovely huh? But he gets angry with me when I don't cater to his moods.
Good luck to you
dd
You know, it is abusive in one way. He's forcing you to feel and act in certain ways or he's going to get mad and hit the wall. It may be the wall now but it can just as easily be your face if he's mad enough or if you really push his buttons and say something else.
Good Luck and stay safe!