oh this has to stop

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
oh this has to stop
15
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:30am
my husband hurt me last night. i tried to get away from him but i wasn't fast enough. i begged him for mercy but he wouldn't let up. i thought i might lose the baby. i was so scared. he took me into the hospital early this morning, and put a cast on my lower arm since it is broken. i want to cry. the bad thing is he is still angry with me, he thinks this is my fault he did this. my oldest son asked if i made daddy angry and why. i told him no of course not, he said that i must have. i am speechless.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:56pm

Oh, dear.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 3:41pm
Yes, wife, it does, and only you have the power to make that happen.

Mama Harmony

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 4:14pm
Sweetie, get out now before it's too late! Move to your parents, a friends house, etc.

Your own son has even said to you that you must have made daddy mad...do you want your child to treat his wife this way one day? It's on it's way! Run!

Shawna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 4:39pm
Delurking again...The Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, instructs men to treat their wives with kindness. Your husband is not doing this, and by this failure he has sinned against Allah and against you. Do not believe his excuses that say otherwise. Get out now while you still can!!!!!



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style="font-family: lucida handwriting;">Erin

Real Love is Forever


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 8:01pm
thanks for your support. i hope to find this strength. right now i feel so ashamed. i feel so embarrased and ashamed i feel like a failure i feel like it was so hard just to cook and play with the children today. i have had such strong pains in my right side i felt faint earlier. when i look at what he did i feel like i am not worthy of anyhing. i am uselesss does anyone else feel this when your husband does this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:01pm
Of course we have. Because this is what they condition us to think. But, you aren't useless!! You've got to find the strenght within to fight this for yourself and for your kids. They need you. They need you to teach them that this behavior isn't acceptable. The best way to do that is through action. You might not be at a point in your life where you are ready to leave. But, please consider it.

What your son says really bothers me. I'm still sending my kids to counseling and it's been 6 months out. Not only is your husband brainwashing you, but your kids to.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrased. What happened to you is NOT your fault. Please consider leaving for your safety. At the least consider your options and make a plan. A safety plan. Talk w/someone at your local shelter. You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:45pm
Feel worthless because of his treatment? Oh, yes. That's exactly the message these people want to send - "This is what you are. I decide what you are." And they decide we are nothing if they can't have their way. I feel like a failure because I married a man who was already controlling. I'm ashamed every time he pulls my strings enough to make me mad. I'm ashamed I gave my children him as a father. But we did what we did for whatever reasons, and then we got smart. Because we are smart, hon.

Great big hugs. Please keep us posted. We're worried and we care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:42am
i appreciate everyones thoughts and advice. i want to please my husband and i try, but sometimes no matter how much i try it doesnt matter. his temper is out of control at times and now i have a cast on my arm to remind me not to overstep the boundries he sets. i wish this didnt happen, especially while being pregnant. i am so thankful for our children, this pregnancy has been very hard though. i am still young but it's hard keeping up with them. i have to stay strong for them but right now i feel so tired i feel like my body is just giving up on me, i know that probably sounds stupid but this is how it feels. thanks again
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:06am
ahmeds wife,,,please try and understand that no matter if you learned how to change the tides of all the oceans, could make a cloudy day, sunny at will, you will never be able to bring yourself to fill his demands. No matter how perfect you become in your eyes or anyone elses in the world, you will never be able to satisfy his need for control and power over you and your children. It is not about love, it is only about him knowing that you cower at his feet, and he likes that, he freely chooses to do this to you.

You are trying to rationalize what is beyond rational, you are lying to yourself because he has shown that your life means nothing to him and you are grasping at a nightmare that could bring your death. You mean nothing to him but a thing that he can get to dance at will, to give to him nothing but the pleasure of him seeing his control over you.

You have been conditioned, brainwashed, injured, belittled and have had your self-esteem and worth stripped from yourself. You are above being treated like some prize cattle in his dimented world. There is help for you and your children, it is there but you have to ask for it. Do not ask his permission, he will never allow it. Do not tell him you are seeking help as he will only escalate the abuse in an attempt to hold you down, which is happening by the cast on your arm. What did you tell the doctor, that you fell down the stairs?

You are harboring and protecting a criminal, a man who has no problem beating another human to get his way. You are going to allow him to take you from this country to another where you will be isolated from the world, where you will not be able to find help as easily.

There is still time for you to get free, you only need to ask for the help and then accept it. You need to call a shelter and tell them that your life and your children's lives are in danger, he has broken your arm in abuse and you need help now. If need be, have the police come and pick you and the children up so that he cannot touch any of you.

This will never get easier nor will the abuse ever decline, it only gets worse. He will not change, he will never allow you to see the light of a free day again if you do not stop him now. His abuse will encircle the children as they grow older, they will learn how to be just like him. If you have daughters, then it will be worse.

The National Abuse Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, they can help you find the shelter in your area. Do not play down the extent of his abuse in any way. You will not shock them as they have heard this time and again from many of us. If you do not take a chance to be free and stand in the sunlight again, he will keep you in his shadow for ever.

You are not his slave even though he has made you think you are, you are not below him, you are a woman, a woman who if you give her the effort can break free of his abuse. You have the strength, you have the right to be happy, but you cannot keep letting him know what you are trying to do. You cannot confront an abuser, but you can free yourself from one.

Live a life of freedom with a man who will love not only you but your children. They are out there and you need not neccessarily leave this religeon or way of life, but you should not live in fear and in darkness because this man wishes to control you.

Please reconsider, please call a shelter.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 4:02pm
Dear Ahmed's Wife,

I'm sorry to hear that this happened, and I'm very troubled to hear your son's response to your husband''s abusive behavior. Since you last posted, I've thought of you often. I will continue to pray that you and your children stay safe.

Please plan to leave this man - if not for yourself, then for your children. They need a mother - a healthy mother!

Take care of yourself and please, do not feel ashamed - you did nothing wrong. You are living with an extremely disturbed individual.

Again, I urge you to please begin to plan a future without him. I know it's hard. But, remember - you are strong, even if you don't feel like you are. To quote a very wise (and pretty funny) person on one of the other boards.. "Just living with this debacle and getting up every morning without screaming your head off, playing naked in traffic or spooning cottage cheese into your underwear like a total LOON is an accomplishment!" REMEMBER THAT!!!

Hold your head high - you are STRONG.

- meaningoflife

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