OH OH, not sure how to handle this ...
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| Sun, 03-06-2005 - 11:26am |
& i tend to think, no matter what you guys say here, out of curiosity, (or self-torture) i will pick up the stuff.
BIL called, (dont forget, we have court in the AM, YIKES) saying "I have some paperwork here M needs you to pick up". I said "What kind of paperwork? He cant write me any notes or anything". (this week i had to pass some important paperwork to him, thru BIL, which is ok w/ the RO suppossedly, as long as it is impartial stuff). He said "No, its medical stuff, & proof of what he is doing. He wants you to see what he's been doing i guess, to try & get help".
I just dont know. I hear he is seeing his psychiatrist weekly, that he was begun on Lithium (? BiPolar - which i always felt he was, but stil no excuse for all the crap) & is in anger management. Everyone who knows abusive men, says Anger mngt does NOTHING for them, if ANYthing can help, its Batterer's counseling. But either way, none of that will matter to me for ME, b/c i am done, but i supposse it would be beneficial to dd if he was able to overcome all that crap (long shot, i know) - &/or NOT be this way with another woman, that dd would end up having to witness, maybe, if visitation ever got to that point.
I suppose i want to see some EFFORT, which I will base some of my decisions on visitation for him on (as well as what the court & my lawyer suggest). No matter WHAT he is doing or saying, he will NOT have unsupervised visitation at this point. Or until he sees the clinicial at Child & Family Servies who specializes in parental alientation & counseling on what it does to the child emotionally. Agian, not that i EXPECT any of this to make him SEE clearly, but i feel I owe it to dd to SEE if he can be ok with her - i feel i need to at least see what it is he is suppossedly doing ... not to affect what is going on w/ the divorce, but in respect to contact w/ dd. But until i am POSITIVE & he has PROVEN over time, that he can be appropriate w/ dd, he will NOT see her unsupervised. I cannot have him UNdo all i have been able to DO w/ her emotionally, this past month.
What he is sending me MAY be against the RO. I think what i will do is pick it up later, when my sitter is here, in case its something that makes me lose it, i wont have Ave with me. If it is something personal, i will not read it ... i dont THINK. I know, i should just tell BIL to tell him to have his lawyer give it to mine in the AM at court - but i cant wait that long. I also know its likely that he is playing head games here, at the 11th hour b4 court ... & also, maybe he DID see me when i passed him yesterday & he is desperate. Of COURSE he is desparete, tomorrow is the RO hearing where he knows now i am asking for ONLY supervised visitation - & also, its the temporary granting of divorce orders, sole custody & child support orders .... if THAT doesnt make him desparate, nothing will.
I know, i know, i know, i KNOW i shouldnt go get the stuff, but i dont think i can help myself!
R~


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OK, i have come to my senses! I am NOT GOING. & i am eating a devil dog b/c of it AND i am going SHOPPING instead! ;)
I called BIL & said "I wont come get it, I am not suppossed to take anything from him. You can drop it in the mail box & i will give whatever it is to my atty in the AM, but i will not come there & i will not read it." He said "Thats fine, i understand. I will drop it in your mail box tonite".
& i dont think i will read it. I will just give it to my atty. & who knows, once STBX knows it is going thru my atty, maybe he will decide to take it back. BIL reiteriated "Its just stuff to prove he is trying to get better, to do everything he can to get some help" & i replied "Good, b/c that is important for his daughter". Period. NO mention of me in there!
Ok, thanks! & thank GOD for these boards! :)
Ok, what's a devil dog? Go shopping and just give info (not to read, will just get you upset) to lawyer for tomorrow and enjoy the rest of your day. Be safe,
Luv, Sherry
Ok, i admit it- i caved & looked at the stuff, & thankfully, & thats all it was, receipts for his Celexa & Lithium. Co-pay receipts from the Psychiatrist. His pay stub, i guess to prove he is working full time, & brochures on Domestic Violence, an Anger mangt group schedule ... & the best thing i saw, admission papers to a "Batterers Intervention program". Letters from the Psyc & from CODAC, the sunstance abuse tx program, that he came "sel-reffered" (dated the day after he was removed from out home) & proof he has gone weekly to both places. NOT that any of it makes any differnce for OUR relationship, but it would be great if he could get healthy & somewhat normal, get rid of or at least learn how to deal w/ the rage, & be normal for Averey. But its going to be a long road, even if he WANTS it, as oppossed to feeling he HAS to do it. I do worry that if he doesnt get well, he will get into another relationship & Ave will see the same stuff there at some point in life. I guess at least at this point its good to see his is supposedly facing the issues, instead of totally denying them. Its just too bad it had to get to where we are now, for him to see (IF he really sees).
He's gonna be awfully pissed off & dejected that none of this changes ANYthing for me ... too little, WAY too late.
Thanks, & sorry i couldnt help looking at it. I did look fast & if there had been any note or anything hand written from him, i was DEFINATLY NOT reading it.
R~
I think it *is* an act, a desparate act. Im not sure he will quit completely after he realizes it wont change my mind, likely, but i hope not. I will give him SOME credit for always trying,just that he was just trying the WRONG things. He very willingly went to marriage therapy with me on & off over the years, we both had individual counseling as well. (little did we know, as i just recently learned, it woudlnt do any good w/ a batterer). He did try CODAC for the alcoholism & another center outpatient eves for a while. He always was willing to take his anditdepressants, i DID see a HUGE differnce in him when he was on them - but still, not enugh. & he has been very willing over the years to try ANY meds they suggessted for his moodiness. But again, what he needed was AA & the Batterers programs.
& now, he realizes he has lost evertything he had ... but as i keep pointing out to his family, no he hasnt, he has a daughter to care for & if he wants to be a positive influence in HER life, he will continue to get help. & also, having supervised visits will maybe give him the reason to keep in treatment, so he can at some point, have her alone, down the road.
Only time will tell i suppose. R~
Rich,
Devil Dog not here on West Coast, forgot me neither, where is Az considered? Little humor here, now much more serious things need to be addressed. Ok that you read mail. Now you are probably in court and thoughts and prayers will be with you until we hear from you. And as far as you still concerned about how he will be that's normal, we are loving women (and men too) who care about other people. Let him do this for himself (which we hope he does and for Avery). We are having to start over so can he. Be safe.
Luv, Sherry
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