Oh yeah!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Oh yeah!!
5
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 2:59pm
Oh yeah - I just remembered one other thing about my H - don't know how I could have overlooked this in my previous post because I think it is very important! He is very concerned about outward appearances, and everyone who knows us and all the people he works with all think he is a great guy. They have no idea what is going on and I'm sure if I would tell them I was thinking of leaving, they would think I am crazy. The times when he makes me fun of me in front of others, he does it in a joking manner so everyone laughs and thinks it is funny - they do not even realize it is hurtful to me. And, in every aspect I have described in both of these posts, he is JUST like his dad! His dad was in National Guard for years and when he would have his drill weekends, the kids would have to go somewhere else or stay in their rooms when he got home because he would be in such a foul mood, no one could even be in the same room with him. Ron is much the same way when he is in a bad mood. But if I get in a bad mood, forget it - I'm the bitch from hell and I have no reason to treat him like that!! Anyway, that's enough info I guess - any thoughts or opinions on whether my H is abusive and what I should do to extricate myself from this situation would be appreciated!!

Hugs,

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
In reply to: ames0522
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:40am
Hi Amy,

My relationship is almost exactly like yours. I don't have children but I have dogs that are my children. I made the decision not to have children because of him, his outburts, anger, etc. He treats the dogs like your husband treats your son. If we had children he would expect the same as yours~he has said so.

Don't ask me why I stay because I can't answer that. Maybe I don't have the strength but I do want to tell you that you are being abused. I can't offer any advice or suggestions because I'm in the same boat but also dealing with an alcoholic and narcassist all in one. I can be there for you if you just want to talk. I'd be willing to do that.

Take care of both you and your son.

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: ames0522
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:24pm
Hi Lori,

Thank you so much for your response! It makes me feel so much better to know that I am not alone - not that I am happy you or anyone else is going through the same thing, but it is good to know that others understand. I definitely appreciate your message and I would love to talk! That stinks that you have chosen not to have kids because of your husband, especially if you've always really wanted them! But, I totally respect that you made that decision because you were wise enough to realize that it would be a bad situation for kids to be in. It's just horrible how much we let them influence our decisions and what we do, though. I especially have a hard time dealing with this because I grew up in a single parent family - my dad died when I was 4 - and my mom is a very strong woman. I learned early on to believe that I can do anything I set my mind to and that we really don't need a man/husband/father to get by. So how did I end up with this jerk? I ask myself that every day. I guess they are charming at first and we fall for it!

It was interesting that you said your H is a narcissist - I suspected Ron was that too but I wasn't sure! Do you think he might be?

I have been doing a lot of reading about emotional abuse and I believe I am gaining strength and will be ending the relationship one way or another soon. It does make it so much harder when there are children in the mix because you can't just make a clean break. Thank you again for your response and I would love to hear more from you!

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
In reply to: ames0522
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:35pm
This is so typical. My ex husband was the biggest abuser of me and his child, but ironically, the world saw him as this great guy and father.

He went through a lot of trouble to keep up these appearances, to the point where he was delusional.

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

A lot of abusers are just like these traits, being double faced being one of them .

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: ames0522
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:41pm
Hi Tammy,

Thanks for your post! When you say your H was "delusional", what do you mean? This is getting scary because I think my husband may be working towards that!

I looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I think it does fit my H at least to a certain extent, though I don't think he's severe. But it says the only way to deal with people with this problem is to get out!! I just wish we didn't have a son involved, or I'd be out of there in a heartbeat! But I am scared he is going to try to do something to my son or pick him up at daycare sometime without telling me, then disappear. These are the kinds of irrational things he does sometimes, he's a very all-or-nothing type person, there is no gray or in between, it's all black and white to him!! When he reacts to something, he always overreacts or underreacts, there is no normal reaction. The worst part is, I have been walking around for the last eight years thinking all guys are like this! Please tell me it isn't true! I just thought Ron was normal and was just a typical male, but now I am realizing there are guys out there who are truly loving, kind and caring. At least, I hope so!

Thanks again!

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
In reply to: ames0522
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:26pm
Hi Amy,

Nice to hear back from you. Unfortunately, my one regret in life is that I don't have children. Some days the regret is worse than others.

The very words you typed about what your husband does and says sounds very much like a Narc. If you go on MSN there are two support groups and everyone there is extremely kind and helpful.

I feel badly that you too have to go through this but you are correct in saying that there are kind and loving men out there. My saving grace has been my boss who is one of those men. He understands and helps me deal with my home problems as a friend. Thankfully his wife is very understanding and allows me to call if I really need a person to talk with.

Unfortunately, due to much control that my husband has, they are the only friends that I have. Everyone thinks he's just the perfect husband and provider and we have the perfect life with 2 nice homes, cars, own business, etc. The only problem is no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. But I do understand where you are coming from. The fact that everyone thinks he's perfect is the reason why you are guessing yourself. I have the same problem until he does what he did over the past few days. That's when it's not confusing but very hurtful.

Amy feel free to email me at bostonterrier_2000@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk.

You are not alone just remember that.

Hugs,

Lori