OK, so I threw a plate today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
OK, so I threw a plate today!
4
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 8:31pm
I was having such a hard time with dh today, that another force just took over in my body and I was so angry at him I threw a plate as hard as I could at the window. I had no idea I was going to do it. It was as though I wasn't in my body, I was looking from the outside of my body. Very weird. Stupid of course because Corelle just doesnt break, it shatters to a million pieces, and I am the stupid one who has to clean the mess up. Of course he had to point out that I am being the violent one in which he should be calling the police. He told me that I was never going to get this house, and that he was going to throw me out and raise the kids by himself. I am the one who ruined everything because I am too lazy to find a job to help with the bills. That's why he never put my name in anything, because he felt I was never worthy or anything because I am so irresponsible. It is my fault if we divorce. He could never trust me when it came to money ever. I screwed up credit cards in the past and he is never going to let me live it down. His credit was perfect before he met me. I am the screwed up one on medication, he's not. He told the kids today I was having an "episode" to stay away from me. He's got them bamboozled now that they want to be around him more. He took them out and I took 1 mg of Xanax and called 799-SAFE. I just couldn't deal with anything this afternoon. I felt so out of control and not in control of anything in my life. I told the girl at the other end I have nothing. I have never been so close to just saying screw this and crash my unregistered car into a telephone pole. The nice lady on the end of the line talked to me until I felt ok. The other day I took my engagement and wedding rings off. I have an appointment that I am scared to death in going, a lawyer. My bil knows the DA in my city, but I don't know what a DA is going to realy do?? Doesn't a DA only handle crime cases? ANyway, dh and the kids come home, and dh starts talking. He doesn't want a divorce! After all the crap he said to me he says this??!!! Then, he trying to get me to have sex with him......WTF???!!!!!! My head is spinning.....I'm tired!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 9:13pm
I just wanted to add that I've been having terrible nightmares lately. I used to have these as a kid, and occasionally as an adult. I used to scream in my sleep as a kid, as well as an adult on occassion. Usually some stressful event was happening in my life, etc. Well, I have these nightmares and screaming episodes lately that makes my dh upset. How can someone who claims they love me yell at me until I wake up to stop the nonsense??! He tells me I am calling out for my mother, or I'll call for "Mommy" in my sleep. I used to do that as a kid. I lived in a verbally, sometimes physically abusive household as a kid. He says it's ridiculous and tells me to knock it off he is trying to sleep. I dream sometimes I am being held down and I can't move, or I try to scream and can't. The dreams are about me in an airplane crash into the ocean, or someone running after me.

Now wouldn't a "normal" person try to console the person who wakes up with these night terrors??!! Why does he yell at me over them?? He literally gets angry, saying he has to get up for work the next day. He never asks me if I am ok or anything.

He really doesn't love me does he?!!!




Edited 5/1/2004 9:17 pm ET ET by pinkdandelion

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 9:34pm

Yes, Pink, a normal person would try to console you if you were having a problem, or something had happened that was traumatic.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:40am
I know exactly how you feel. I would have never said anything to hurt his feelings, broken anything, hit him, but toward the end I was so angry I became more like him. You know what that does?? Exactly what your H did - things like telling the kids you are having an 'episode' and making it look like it's your fault.

I agree with Blue; you are pretty well at the end of your rope of what you're going to take off him - you are tired of it. Leaving and going through with this will be rough, but it's better than what you have to deal with while you're there. He's just going to work your kids away from you the longer you stay.

Hugs,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2001
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:15pm

A DA really doesn't handle many cases on their own, and besides, remember the one poster and chatter we had who was married to the DA who beat the crap out of her AND gave her the HIV virus??