OK, so the LOSER didnt tell dd he was ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
OK, so the LOSER didnt tell dd he was ..
4
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 9:12am

"leaving".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 10:33am

Hi Rebecca -


I was just reading through the boards and I felt compelled to reply to your post. Your daughter is just BEAUTIFUL - and she's about the same age as my DD, so your story tugs my heartstrings a little extra. I've seen in the past how much you have worked to try to maintain some semblance of a healthy relationship between your DD and her father - and I think that is just really remarkable and shows what a great mother you are. Even in the best of situations, I think it can be a difficult lesson for Daddies to learn that even though they want to promise their daughters everything, the best thing they can give them is the knowledge that when a man makes a promise to you, he should keep it.


I think that you found exactly the right words to let your DD know what was going on. And I think they probably are the best way a 5yo can understand what has been going on - Daddy has made some promises that he didn't keep.


Hugs to you - and good luck getting the permit for the horse in the living room ;)


Corrine, Sr Community Moderator

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Avatar for bama1gal
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 11:27pm

I know how hard that is for you. Eric still does the same thing with Hannah. She's 10, so she has learned to see through it now. He always complains about not having any money, and tells her that he can't buy her clothes or other stuff, but then he goes online and orders all kinds of electronics and shows them off to her when she's at his house. During the school year, he had open lab nights twice a week in his classroom and Hannah always attended. At first, he'd take her to a fast food place and get her a kids meal (what are they, about $3?) but then he told her that she'd have to go home to my house so she could eat before coming because he couldn't afford to buy her dinner.

Hannah sees all of this and has learned very quickly that dad isn't providing for her, but mom is. She knows that he doesn't give me any money for school clothes, school supplies, school pictures, or extra activties. She also knows that he buys her things for her birthday and Christmas that she is required to leave at his house. And she knows that Santa and the Easter bunny are girls (yes, mom, again). She knows that when he says he'll pick her up at 4, he really means 6. And that when he's tired of her, he'll take her home and get mad if I'm not there. And she makes little comments all the time that tell me she knows the score. I don't talk about Eric, either. I just tell her exactly what you did - don't get your hopes up because it might not happen.

Dani turned 18 last month, and he called right away on her birthday - not to tell her happy birthday, but to tell me that her insurance would be cancelled at the end of the month. He gave her a card but no present because he had to pay an emergency room bill for her, and he told her so. Yeah, she felt great about that!

See, talking negatively doesn't make them see things any more clearly. But what you said to her, she will remember in a positive light. When she starts to realize what is truly going on, she'll know that mommy didn't make excuses or talk badly about daddy. She'll remember that you were there for her and he wasn't. Get mad, I know I do. Sometimes it even makes me cry late at night when no one is around. But I won't do that in front of Hannah. She has to create her own relationship with each of us and then decide for herself what to feel and think. You did exactly the right thing.

Peace and hugs,
Cheryl :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 12:02am
Cheryl, thank you. Thank you for confirming that am doing the right thing. There is a member on another baord who's advice i really cherish ... but in this arena, she really feels its best if i stop letting her see him. If he walks out of her life, that that would be the best for her. I just dont feel that right now. Maybe down the road, but for now, i think it woudl be devestating to her, for life. Not that she wouldnt do well overall, but having your parent walk out of your life willingly, has to hurt, badly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 12:03am
Thanks you so very much Corrine. Its not an easy tightrope to walk, but i am doing what i feel is best for her, to the best of my ability. I am just SO thrilled I am OUT of that relationship though!

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