Okay, please help me, referred by friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Okay, please help me, referred by friend
1
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 2:24am
To whom may read this:

I am 39 yrs. old. Have been married for 15 years. I have a 14 yr. old daughter and a 12 yr. old son. Live in a nice home with all the trimmings. Consider myself to be somewhat normal as people go. (believe in God, pay my taxes, never been arrested, have good kids, do Jr. League, etc.)...here's my problem.

I think my husband maybe losing his mind.

To most people, it may sound like he is having an affair, but I paid 4700 dollars to have him investigated and followed, etc, and it all came up nothing.

I guess to make this long story short, Iwill try to outline this for you guys. My bottom line question, is this, Am I a victim of some kind of psychological abuse? Has this wonderful man I married gone nuts? Is it me? Please help me.

It seems like it all started when we moved. We were living in the nice part of town, or what they call North Dallas. I wanted horses, so we opted to move to East Dallas, on the lake. We maintained our lifestyle and moved to a upscale neighborhood in the county and live among doctors and lawyers, but just the other side of the road is more or less trailor trash people (as he calls them). In the four (4) years we have lived here, he has yet to even go into a convenience store. He shops in North Dallas still, even buying the gas for his car. He was raised in a haughty family that taught him he is better. I was blessed to be raised in a family that taught me I am no better than anyone, unless they are bad people who abuse or hate.

It's as if he turned "mean" after we moved here. He morphed into this person I stood back in awe of. In the 10 yrs we lived in Dallas, I don't remember ever once sleeping without him and since moving here, I don't remember two (2) nites in a row of sleeping together. He is always "mad".

At the present time he is in the guest room and has not spoken to me for four (4) days. His record is 2 weeks. I cannot even tell you why he is mad at me this time. It has gotten ridiculous. Let me explain:

We have not been out together on a date or trip in over 3 years. I know, it sounds crazy. Some people I know invited us to go on a quickie out of town trip to gamble on the riverboats on thurs... (oh this is so hard to explain in less than 5000 words)....he seemed like he "agreed" to go. So, I planned it. Got the hotel room, made arrangements for the kiddos to stay at neighbors, etc. I even phoned him (yeah, I just remembered this part) and told him I would pre-pack him to help him be ready for after work.

Well, he rolls in Friday after work, late as usual, fire breathing mad. I hear the door slam on his car and my nerves are shot with a jolt of electicity. Here we go I say to myself. Hi baby I squeak, just waiting for my cussing out that I get. He can tell I am getting ready to go and he says "I'll be in my room, tell me IF we're going"...oh dear!

Then it happened. My daughter did something to make him mad. That always means that I get it. She never has gotten even a bad look from him, because I take her punishments. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. He refuses to take any sort of disciplinary action with our children, he gets me for what they do. They see this. They are starting to come to me and say "Is Dad crazy?" She asked him for 300.00 to buy something at the mall she had been wanting and he quickly gave it to her. She came in and told me and she was off to the mall with her friend. Then the housekeeper came in asking for her pay. He snapped. He screamed at me "WHY DIDN"T YOU PAY THE MAID?" I pleaded with him that she always gets paid when she leaves and for some reason she was leaving later than usual. HE WAS NOT GOING TO LISTEN. He fumed and thru things and slammed doors. I was confused. Why was he so livid at paying the maid 2 hours later? He yelled, called me names, and locked himself in his room. He is still there. Needless to say, I cancelled the trip and have been numb since.

Can anyone help me? There are about 1000 more incidents like this I could give. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 6:23am
Welcome Ipresario,

Sure sounds like you have a mess on your hands. Sounds like abuse to me. The first 10 years you lived where he wanted and no doubt did what he wanted...life can stay pretty nice if you always do things his way. You finally did something for yourself by living in a place you wanted. One could possibly attribute this to a possible medical condition, but for 5 years? Take a minute and go through those first 10 years and truly see if they were that wonderful as you seem to remember. If your life was that good, why would you have put up with this behavior for the last 5 years?

You need to go to the resources page and read as much as you can about abuse. The more information you have, the better equipped you are to handle what is going on.

The "trailer trash" comment is sure indicative of someone who definitely thinks he is better than most. Old Wendell always labeled people. He would be friendly to their face, but look out after their back was turned.

He has you going in circles, second guessing everything you do. That is called control. Your children are also asking and seeing alot, pay attention to them and what they are saying. I remember us having "family talks" and then life would return to normal for a few weeks, then back on the old saddle.

Keep posting and learning, we are here to help you through whatever is going on.

Terry