OMG. I can't believe this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
OMG. I can't believe this!
1
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 6:45pm

Please read this whole thing, I feel so alone right now!

Ever since our breakup, I have been alalyzing everything. How we got together, what happened wrong, why I felt happy one minute and upset the next, why he was more happy than I was, why I couldn't let him go, why I'm still not able to let him go, why I want him back and don't at the same time, why he felt the need to cheat, why things what wrong, and why I keep blaming myself.

I didn't know till after the breakup that he was abusing me both verbally and physically (even though, physically, it was nothing major).

I started reading books about it. Halfway through "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" I started wondering if I was abusing him back. I just got done with "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men". I realize that no, I didn't abuse him in any way, in fact, I was lucky that I got out of it when I did. It was to the point where he was getting so angry with me, he'd be able to hit me in the face.. but never would. I'm sure he would've in due time.

That book helped me out so much. I am finally able to understand him and why he did the things he did. There was a part about breakups in there. It said that he would probably make everyone feel sorry for him and be on his side about this.

Well, that's what he has been doing! After the breakup, it went to my sisters and my best friend on my side. Telling me it was the right thing to do. Telling me that I derserve better. Well, he works at this one store right down the street from my sister. And my other sister goes to her house all the time. So I'm guessing they see him a lot. Well, then it went to one sister defending him when I'd talk about him and the other sister feeling sorry for him!!

With my best friend, it went from her telling me that she's glad that I broke up with him. She didn't even want us together. Then, after I kept talking about him so much, she started getting annoyed with me. This was a couple days after our breakup. We went a couple days without hanging around each other, I figured I should just not hang around her because I knew that I'd just end up annoying her by talking about him so much.

Well, I started a new job, so for a couple days I barely had any contact with her. And then she started feeling sorry for him as well, just like my sister. In fact, saying the same things she has. I think he has put thoughts into their heads.

Last night we got into a fight, and it all stemmed from him. I got drunk and started missing him, then I started talking crap about him after more drinking. She twisted my words around and everything blew up from there.

I feel like he's doing this on purpose! I really do. He's SOOOOO good with words. He's so great at making people feel sorry for him, I felt sorry for hin during our whole relationship. Sorry that he lost his mom, sorry for the way his step father treated him, sorry he was kicked out on the streets at the age of 15, and sorry for the way his ex treated *HIM*.

I haven't even seen him in like a week and I feel like somehow he creeps back into my conversations with people. If he is talking about me, they're not saying anything to me about it. I know he talked about me, he talks about every single one of his exes.

I am losing my best friend because of him, what should I DO?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 10:00pm

He is doing it on purpose, and he isn't. He does it because this is what abusers do. They don't know any other way to be. But, the thing is they don't WANT to know any other way to be, and there is very little to be done about it besides get well away from them.

As far as your friend goes- if someone is so easily swayed by the words of an abuser that they drop you as a friend, then one has to wonder how good of friends they were to you in the first place. It will hurt at the beginning, but just as it's better in the long run to dump the abuser and give yourself the chance to find a good partner, it's better to lose the so-called friend and have the opportunity to find true friends.

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