One foot out the door.......LONG
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| Fri, 10-14-2005 - 7:54pm |
Okay girls, I'm getting close, feeling lots of confidence tonight. I am hoping to hang onto that longer than a couple of more days. I made the decision, actually called on a couple of apartments and called for a loan application to try to take over some of "our" debt into my name, so I don't get accused of robbing him blind. I'm just so torn, he told me again the other night to "get out" after telling him that I wouldn't be talked to the way he was talking to me. He told me again that "you just think you are so much better than me" and "oh, so, I suppose I'm abusing you again". I didn't lose it, just calmly said to him, "have I ever told you that I'm better than you?" and he replied, "not in those exact words, but in a roundabout way". I know I don't need to justify myself to you gals, but, it's a habit now to do that. But, I don't ever belittle him or call him names, judge him,etc. Anyhow, I told him that I won't put up with this, he has problems and he needs to take care of them and I can't sit around anymore waiting. His reply was that "you are the only problem I have". Then came the "get out", for the second time. I told him that I would, that I would call on apartments the next day.
I did call on the apartments, and the loan. I told him that last night after getting the silent treatment. Not sure if I should have, don't want to piss him off, but, don't want him to believe that I am "bluffing" anymore like he has thought in the past. I really shouldn't care what he thinks should I? I guess that is just another stup*** mistake I made..... Anyhow, sorry to vent, but, part of me feels good because I have taken some real steps at getting out. Part of me is really, really scared because I'm worried I will cave again like I always do. He cannot afford to live in this house without me here helping to pay the bills, and I don't want to get my hind-end nailed to the wall if I leave because my name is also on the loan. Financially, I don't know how I'm going to do it, and I know I shouldn't worry about that. I did tell my son that we were probably going to be moving out, he is 11, says he is fine with that, doesn't mind if we have to rough it, but, I know it is going to be so hard on him, that tears at my heart....... I told him that I don't want him growing up thinking that this is how things are supposed to be, and he just said that "I am not here that much when you guys fight", but, yet, he didn't get upset by the thought of leaving....
Like the post says, so confused and frustrated. Why is it so easy to give others advice and so hard to take my own........ I know I have everyone's support here, just wish I knew how to remain strong and stick to my guns as far as not putting up with his bull anymore...... One of my friends has told me to just get a one bedroom apartment, to see what happens, but part of me feels if I leave, I'm never going back, is that bad? I don't want to be lonely, but, realize that I'm just as lonely with someone right now. Is it bad to hope that someday someone will pay attention to you if you leave? I really hate feeling sorry for myself:(

I'm trying really hard to believe you;) I am so thankful for this board, even though my high school friends listen to me, I don't know if someone that hasn't been through this doesn't truly understand.
Anyhow, I hate to focus on me, I can't stand it, feel selfish. So, I want to know cl-wishful, is the job still going well for you? I really hope it is. I have also switched jobs in the last week and OMG can it throw your whole life through a loop.
I am sorry for dumping on everyone, I am a mess right now, but, most of the time I do have a straight head on..... We all need to hang in there together, thanks all.....
The job is going pretty well.
Darling, it's ok. You are feeling all the same things that I felt when I left my abuser 3 months ago. It was hard,I'd been with the guy for 6 years.
I want you to know, that the first month is the hardest. They really put on the charm, bothering you as much as possible, emailing, phoning, threatening you legally, etc. But you know what? It WILL pass.
Mine even manipulated my own mother into begging me to take him back, and she still maintains that I should have stayed with him even though he physically, mentally, financially abused me in everyway, everyday.
But you know what? It passes. There IS light at the end of the tunnel, and there is hope that one day you will have a peaceful life. It's so lovely to have your freedom.
At first you will feel a little lonely, but is it better to be all alone with someone, or by yourself? Is it better to hate yourself more and more everyday?
I want to tell you as well, that there's an unbelievable clarity that comes to your mind within a few weeks. It all rushes back to you. You realize what you've been through, and it's frightening and unnerving. But once you hit that point, I can almost guarantee that you won't go back, because you remember what it was like before.
You can do it. Be firm, and don't give in to his abuses and advances to get you back.
Hugs!!!!
ITA w/thegirlwholived.....the more I think about it, once you leave your abuser, you slowly become reaquainted with the original you again.