ONE MORE TimE I HAVE TO KNOW

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
ONE MORE TimE I HAVE TO KNOW
10
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:21am

I guess I am a bit in denial here. My H of 21 years and I have always gotten along, most of the time. I am a real easy going person though and I think that may have something to do with it. He has never called me a name and never touched me in a violent way. HOWEVER, he is in my eyes immature in that he made buying a boat a major issue in our marriage for 15 years! He would all of a sudden get in the mood to buy one and when I explained we couldn't afford one (also small babies in the family) he would rant and rave and give me the cold shoulder (after he ranted and raved). We have moved accross state lines 4 times to make him happy. He has come to me twice in our marriage for no reason at all and told me he didn't want to be married anymore, just to sweep it under the rug the next day. He has told me things I do are stupid. "That was just stupid". He has confessed that he discouraged me from going back to college becuase he was afraid I would make more $ then him and I wouldn't put up with the way he treats me and leave. I have recently started a new career inwhich the sky is the limit as far as money I can make. He is making my life miserable because he is jealous (his own words) and thinks since I am the woman I shouldnt be making that kind of money, he should be. He is worried I will find a rich investor and run away. He is insecure, spoiled rotten, and controlling. When I look back he has even discouraged me from getting too close to friends. He never liked the people I would meet and try to strike up couple friendships with. They were usually well educated (he has his HS GED) and that intimidated him I think. He couldn't tell you the name and number of a good let alone BEST friend!

When I looked at the list that has been posted here he matched up with about 7 or 8 on the list. I just don't know for sure if he is an emotional abuser. He does argue like one though, we keep having the same "conversation" and I wonder if he was paying attention last time! I did mention to him that I was on this message board and looked at the list. He asked if he fit the mold and I said yes. He didn't respond to that at all. He is very self centered, if it does nothing for him he won't do it regardless of who it would help.

And one more thing. He has gotten to where he feels his "back is against the wall" that he had to leave. Once it was while my oldest son was watching TV with me in the Family room and another time after I was asleep. The first time I had to go outside and beg him to stay, the second time I knew he was going and just pretended to sleep. He came back at 6am and tried to sneak back in so I wouldn't know. He profusely appologized but to me that is emotional abuse.

What do you girls with expert experience think?

DD

Edited 3/11/2005 10:34 am ET ET by ddstressed




Edited 3/11/2005 10:35 am ET ET by ddstressed
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:42am
Welcome to the board.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 1:54pm
I guess I should clarify that I didn't mention Ivillage in particular. I just told him I found a support message board online. So is he a minor offender? Is he just as bad as any other? Can it get worse? I've been told on here that an emotional abuser cannot go through counseling it doesn't help. He is always the victim which is so true in this case. I just dont' want to waste the next 20 years!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 2:02pm

Hi and welcome. You might want to read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Survivor's Speak Out" by Patricia Evans, They helped me realize why I was so miserable, gave it a name ABUSE (of every type) and it's like opening Pandora's Box's and have to except it. It will not go away, you can deny it and after 30 years I got out. The books were hidden from my ex (like here) and then all I wanted him to do was read the first one to understand how I felt and he refused to. I went through H with him, moved away and now with the help from here, day by day, getting better. One step forward, two back. Hopefully, got off the roller coaster ride (I hate them) and on that train. Inside joke here, how am I doing ladies? Be safe and we care,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 3:00pm
As long as you didn't tell him the specific name of the board or anything thats fine.
5yrssm 
Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:08pm

ddstressed,

I don't post much. But I stop by occasionally.

I've been married 25 years next month. Big breath and as I exhale I will say this. I am married to an emotionally and controlling man. He has NEVER called me a name. He has never been physically violent or threatening in any way.

BUT - he set the groundwork many years ago. He built a foundation that the rest of our marriage has been put on. He let me know that he was insecure, jealous all that stuff. Certain places and situations caused him undue anxiety and he wanted to avoid that.

ME - being a (newly discovered to myself at least) co-dependent, did NOT want to put any anxiety on him - but by the time I knew that he was this "anxious", HE was hooked on me and didn't want to let me go - oops - see - him controlling me because HE was uncomfortable. And that seems to be the basis of my marriage. I am here and I "must" make sure he is ok.

More later.

To continue.

You see, I too am in denial. To a point. I'm still having a hard time with the word abuse. He is emotionally controlling and manipulative to keep himself in his comfort zone. That is his personality. My personality would like to have someone encourage me. In other words, I'd like it when I said I'd like to try ______, that he would say, yeah, sounds like fun, lets try it, or I'm not interested, but lets find a way for you to do it. But I am met with a man who says "why do you want to do that?" My feelings, wants and desires are invalidated and never met. Yet I feel I am constantly bending over backwards to make sure HE is taken care of. It certainly has felt like a one sided marriage.

My husband, like yours, has his GED. He didn't like going to school. I graduated high school and have had 3 attempts at college. The most recent was met by him saying I was going to meet someone rich. I went anyway, but would come home from class to kids that had not been fed, no homework done and waiting for me. But - HE had eaten his dinner. This was his way of getting me to not take any more classes. The kids suffered.

It is insecurity on their part. And they project it onto us. In my case, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. So I walk on eggshells, never knowing what to expect next. Most of the time things are ok. But I never know what will set him off. It could be a stranger asking for directions. It could be what someone else says to him about me. It could be something that he perceives, yet isn't what is real. He is jealous. He is controlling - so that HE STAYS comfortable.

I think I got off on a rant here, I wanted to say welcome, your not alone in "discovering" after so many years that perhaps there is something wrong with your relationship. I've been lurking and posting occasionally since 2002. Unfortunately for me, I've pretty much decided to deal with it until my youngest is older (ds is 12). It is what I refer to as the long term plan. In the meantime, I receive my validation here - that I'm not crazy.

Edited 3/12/2005 11:18 am ET ET by ples62




Edited 3/12/2005 11:24 am ET ET by ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 10:15pm

ples

Thank you all for the responses, sometimes I think I am so alone in all this!

You sound like me only a couple years down the road. My youngest is 10 and I fear that if I never knew this man really for what he is, what if he would also harm my youngest. My oldests are 15 and 17 and bigger then him. I came back on tonight because although things have been nice (last night was a dinner movie date), today I checked the history on my computer and he had been looking at before and after pics of breast augmentation (I had this done about 9 months ago) and GUNS! He is not a hunter so this has put a fear in me! The surgery has been yet another "problem". Although I told him I wouldn't get it done since it bothered him so much, he insisted that I do. Yet since then he has thrown it in my face during each of our "discussions".

Should I confront him about the searchs on guns for sale (it was an outdoor shop) or just be more aware of what he does?? He has never been violent I don't know what to think here!

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 8:17am

D,

I don't like guns. I didn't grow up with guns. My ex was a policeman and so for 30 years I had to put up with guns. He was not gun happy. He had two that I know of. He didn't hunt either. Towards the end, last ten years, I became concerned about them. Our marriage was really getting violent now that we were mostly alone. I became a prisoner in my own home, sick with fear. You never know what will trigger them, believe me. You should be concerned and if you don't see a need for guns, don't except it. Everything sounds bad to me. Be safe and take care of YOU and your kids.

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 8:33am

Sherry

I just don't get it. We have been great friends for most of our lives. We have had times where his controlling has reared it's ugly head but for the most part we have had it good as far as our R. I was getting tired of doing everything in the marriage (taxes, bill paying, selling and buying the homes, EVERYTHING) The straw that broke the camel's back was when he refused to get life insurance because someone would come to our home and take blood ect. He threw the papers in my face and said I could do it but he wasn't. I was tired of living with a little boy and just felt I needed to tell him what my concerns were.

I wasn't mean I didn't say that he was a rotten father (he would come home and the first thing he would do was yell at the boys) but I did express fear that our M might be deteriorating and we needed to talk about it. He of course interpeted it as me saying he was a lousy husband and father and since then has made my life more and more a living hell. He also found a couple things by prying into my personal items that on the surface look kind of bad but are totally innocent. So now he is convinced I had an affair. Yeah I have an affair and during the course of it I go to you to fix our M. Why would I care!
I have not acted any different yet he tells me I act snooty and "upety". I am in a profession where I deal with a lot of people with money and he thinks I will find a younger rich guy and leave him.
No matter what I say or do he believes I will do this. Anyway, I am starting to wonder how well I really do know him and HATE that we have gone from what I thought was for the most part normal to this crazy Sh**!

Now I am ranting.... I just dont' know what I am dealing with and if I should ask him about the gun search. It has been over a year of emotional distress and I don't now how much longer I can take it!

DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 10:02am

This all sounds very bad. If I were you, I wouldn't talk with him about the gun search you found, and make sure you clear your own computer history. Delete history, delete cookies, and delete files on & offline.

This is the time to start planning. Trust your gut instinct. Make sure you have a safe place to go to if things get scary, and make sure you have your own money. Read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, but make sure you keep this and all books of this kind out of his sight.

Emotional abuse can escalate to physical abuse. Be safe!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 9:36pm

riot

I will not confront him with it. He isn't acting really normal so I don't want to rock the boat. I feel like this marriage is about to fall apart to be honest and there is nothing I can do about it. He doesn't care because it is all about him. He doesn't care about the kids or family, just what he wants and feels. No sacrafices for him, he deserves what he wants. He told me recently that he gets emotional satisfaction from people but from things, like a motorcyle or a boat.

Night

dd