One problem replaced by another..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
One problem replaced by another..
11
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 2:43pm

ok..another venting session from me. I think I am just too weak to deal with all this. I should have just shut up and put up.

DD said she can't deal with 2 houses so she is just going to stay with him. As his place has all the nice stuff and that has been her home for ever. But get this - she wants me to come and still drop her places, take her for lunch and dinner as the case may be. And also she took the cat and wants me to come see her and all.

Now - yes..all of you will say - screw her..be firm with her. But if I suggest to her anything..she threatens she can't deal with it and school is opening and it is just how it is..and she will do something.

I am just not strong enough..I now know why I came back 2 times before..and why I waited. I should have just put up and shut up. They say - if you are not ready to see the pain of your children, you are not ready for divorce. Yes, if he was hitting me and physically violent, maybe it would have been more justified or he could have been sent away..I think the only people here who have made it through are where the other spouse is in jail or gone away from their lives.

In my situation where he has the money, the house and DD's teenage issues, the timing is not right..If I go through a lawyer it is 5-10K down to get the same amount of money from him for school or child support. If I insist on house being sold, it will literally 'kill' DD..I am in a mess. I am just not strong..and some of us are just the way they are. So please everyone, dont judge others when they can't leave. It is a fact that things dont necessarily get better..or are replaced by another set of problems. On top of it, people who encouraged to leave are now nowhere around to help ..(too busy..or excuses). My family is far away..my dad is very sick. I need to go visit them soon. I feel tired, exhausted..and unable to work. If I lose my job..that would be the worst thing that will happen. Well..he was right..he says he stuck it out too until she is in college..and then we could have gone our ways..maybe he is right..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 3:49pm
I can sit here all day and say what I would do, or what I think you should do, or what I've seen other people do, but in the end - it's entirely up to you to decide between a rock and hard place. There is nothing wrong with you or bad about you for deciding either way.

What I will tell you - there are always going to be problems. And it is entirely your decision which set of problems you decide to have. At least with leaving, even if you don't get a divorce, just separate, let dd live with her dad (it's going to be her choice in court anyways) and live off your own salary - well, you are able to decide which and what you deal with on your own schedule. If you just give up, your giving that power right back to your husband. You're putting stuff on yourself when there is no need. You need to learn to take some deep breathes and just back away from the chaos for awhile.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 7:08pm

What Chipper says PLUS

She is again trying to control you .... If you let her win you will loose you for ever. My son decided to live with his dad and started thinking it was my job to cater to his whims...guess what...Mama does not run every time he calls, he wants to get somewhere he has to get himself or get his dad to take him...I am not traveling 30 minutes to get him take him where he wants to go then take him back to his dads then 30 minutes home...time and gas alone not to mention I have things I need to take care of besides him..If she chooses to live with dad, so be it...as for dropping your life to cater to her whims...my vote is no...she wants to live with dad...dad wants her to live with him...then dad can be the one to drop his life and take her wherever she wants to go...it wont be long before she realizes just which house is worth living in...just don't let her bounce between you in an attempt to control the two of you...dad wont play my games so I will punish him and move in with mom...mom wont drop her life to cater to my whims so I will punish her and live with dad...

Truly she is of an age she needs to be held accountable for her own actions but that will not happen unless you allow her to deal with the consequences of her own actions. If you let her manipulate you back into your abusive relationship for her whims, I am afraid what little of yourself you did find will be lost forever...even after she leaves for college...she will come up with more excuses and more manipulations to keep you in your abusive life...she truly does not care about you, she only cares about herself...now before everyone jumps on me for this, 1) her actions alone support this statement and 2) it is very age appropriate. People sometime have kids so someone will love them when in fact a human is not able to "love" their parents until they have entered adult hood....kids love their parents simply because of what the parents will provide for them (familiarity, boundaries, discipline, things, food, shelter etc)...the true love that people need does not occur until the child has left the narcissistic mindset and enters into the compassionate phase of life...your dd is not even biologically old enough to master that...she only loves you and she only loves daddy for what she can get from the two of you...so making this great sacrifice for her love is truly a waste of your own life...

I understand the being tired of carrying the load alone, especially when there is an emotionally manipulative child involved. I too keep thinking how much easier it would be to go back and just let Mark deal with the things he has always delt with (or ignored) and not have to bother worrying about it....but even on those days I remember the insecurity, verbal,financial and emotional abuse, and his LIES...even now he lies...while we were cleaning out the house I kept catching him throwing away my things and saving his things...even after multiple times reminding him that if it is not his it is not for him to decide it is trash...today I found one of my banks (full of cash) in the trash can...and I cannot tell you how many of my things he has taken and just randomly thrown in the garage and some look like he stomped on them to be sure they were broken....

The abuser does not care about you and truly your daughter is not emotionally developed to care about you truly...only you can take care of and care about you..(of course we here care about you but that is truly different)

Is it possible you take that trip to visit your dad before you decide for sure to move back? or have you already moved back?....perhaps a little time and distance from the mind games your daughter is playing on you can give you time to shake the cob webs out and see things a little clearer?...

Hugs, this is a very hard time for you and know regardless what you choose we still care and are here for you.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 7:46pm

no, I have not moved back nor I am contemplating it. it is just now i am more tired..because as you say..she expects me to drop everything and take her out to lunch, dinner or drop her places and then drop her back. Even if it is 15 min drive..it is still taking toll on me. I am only doing it because I want to see her too myself. I have been told to go hands off for a week and see if she comes back. Likely she will scream and yell at me. As you say, she is emotionally manipulative. Also I am lonely..I am contemplating visiting my dad..but wanted towait the next week for school to start. I am also worried about the cat she took back..and I miss her too. I am wondering if I should just go get her (cat) back..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 9:31pm

what IF....you went to the local pound or humane center and adopted your own kitty to keep you company...as odd as it may sound, a pet gives you health benefits, company, therapy, as well as plain old companionship. Cats are self sufficient and basically nocturnal so you being gone during the day the cat will mostly sleep and as long as there is fresh water food and a clean litter box, the cat will be quite content. Then about "wake up time" for the cat is around the time you come home to "play" so the cat is delighted to have you come home...like a welcoming committee each evening after a long day of work. Then if you decide to travel to visit your dad you simply put out extra food and water and possibly an extra litter box or two and the cat can take care of itself while you are away....or if you trust a neighbor to check on the cat while you are away that works too. I would not ask your dd or your husband as they might get mad at you and take it out on the cat while you are gone, either physically or by simply ignoring it and not checking on it at all...but a neighbor kid would love doing it for a little extra cash.

I made the mistake of having my husband check on the cats while we went to California for a funeral and all of my serving utensils my mom had given me for Christmas disappeared...kids tell me they are in his apartment now...I wonder what else he took....next time the girl next door gets to watch my animals.

perhaps by getting a pet of your own you wont feel so lonely while your dd is playing her games. Also start standing up for yourself a little more. Yes you want to see her and she is using the "if you want to spend time with me you MUST take me here there etc"..Don't be afraid to say no I have other plans occasionally...yes she will be mad and yes you will miss out on seeing her that time but you will need to stand up for yourself regardless. Yes I know easier for me to type than to actually put into practice...

Hugs and I am glad going back is not an option for you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 9:34pm

wanted to add cause I forgot to

As for going back for the cat...who's cat exactly is it? If it is your dd's cat then probably will have to leave it there...if it is technically your cat then you have all rights to take the cat back to your place.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 9:40pm

I was simply going to ask a question but after I do that I have something to say but my question is this: Fast forward 20/30 years and DD is in your shoes what do you want her to do?

Yes I am one of the lucky ones who abusive ex is in jail, walked away completely, and my children want nothing to do with him. But that does not mean my life is easy or that I never questioned if I made the right choice by leaving. In my case my ex had hit me but let me tell you that doesn't make it easy to leave. He hit me a few times over the course of time I was with him and that didn't get me to leave or make it any easier. I was terrified when I left him of what he was going to do because he was physically abusive and I have heard of to many times that the most dangerous time is when you leave!! So please stop thinking it would be easier if he had hit you or you were scared of him because that makes it hard to leave to. It is rarely easy to leave an abuser for different reasons, When I was with my ex I was a stay at home mom and some days I miss that. I currently work two jobs that I hate but there is no way I would go back and end up dead. Yes he may not kill you the way my ex may have me but he was slowly killing you with his words and in teaching your DD to act the way she is.

The only time I feel truly safe from my ex is when he is jail. I remember looking over my shoulder when I first left him and being scared to drive my van because he could have done something to it. And yes it makes life easier that my children want nothing to do with their father but at the same time it breaks my heart that they have such a monster for a father that they want nothing to do with him. No way is easier then the other and only you can choose on what is best for you but neither way is going to be easy and no one ever said it would be.

Kat I want to say I agree 100% with all that you said and it is one thing I can say I would go with. My oldest threatened to go live with my dad a couple of years ago. I was going to help her pack and once she calmed down she agreed with me that she wouldn't last a week at my dads, over his gf, unless she did it just to show me but on day one of week two she would be asking to come home.

Being a parent is not easy. Being a parent in an abusive household is even harder. We sometimes end up being the bad guy and others think they know better then we do. I am not judging you or trying to be harsh just letting you know that yes I am lucky but it wasn't easy getting here and I will never forget the weeks after I left and I was scared that he was going to be waiting somewhere to get me. And heard his words in my head telling me that my restraining order wouldn't stop a gun of knife.......


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Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 12:37pm

Well..this particular cat was technically given to her by me just this year..but I took care of it all - shots, cleanup, food. I had saved her (that is another story). I am going to tell dd she will be 100% responsible. We have another old one that techincally belonged to both her dad and me..but she is old and I dont want to change her surroundings. As for getting another new one..that is something i need to think about for later..as I am still hoping DD will be back with her cat and right now..I dont want to take an additional responsibility..But then I feel lonely..if you are used to a child and pets in the house..it is hard. Everyone is telling me that this is the only way she will feel the brunt of him..but yesterday she tells me I am making her depressed and if her grades go down, it will be my fault. When I said she can just stay with me..she keeps saying how can I ignore the place that has been my home all these years..

I also think it takes courage to stay and it takes courage to get out and stay out. I feel very weak..I am so tired all the time...so I feel maybe I just dont have what it takes..the other poster here was saying how she had to go to court 21 times..I dont think I could do that..I dont even have the guts to do it 2 times. And I think partly because of DD's impact and backlash..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 5:55pm

Are you still seeing your therapist?

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 7:15pm

I meet my therapist tomorrow..the thing is - unless you are a mother, it is very hard to think from my side. My therapist is a single lady..noone disputes I should leave..I myself agree. however I am the only one who knows my child. From birth, she has been one of those very reluctant for any change. At the end of the day, I have to be the one coping with my decision. No therapist or friend who says the best thing for me to leave, is the one sleeping at home alone worried sick of their child who is in another house. This is a child who I feel is doing what she is, so she can get into his good books. I think at the end of the day, a woman has to do what is right for her situation. For example, I would rather accept things than drag it to court 20+ times..that is what I am. Unfortunately it is what it is. In some cases, women do wait until their kids are in college. Granted the cycle of abuse continues..but what is guarantee that she will not be scarred by being on her own with Dad.

So for women out there, yes, gain knowledge but decide for yourself. Dont let a therapist swing you one way or other. One friend of mine had said..just somehow ignore and live for next 3 years..I did try but it got much..But then I dont know if I should have put up with drama every 1-2 months or put up with drama every week..sometimes you got to take one of the path - the least resistance one. I recall sweets was only one who had said your problems will not be over..and guess it is like that for me. At least I had peace for 4 weeks until next episode..right now..I am on my toes every day..I just hope things will settle down..I dont know if this is the worse period..or it will stay like this..Some folks say..forget your kid. To those, I say..maybe you can..but I can't..It is not easy ..like today..whole day..I have no communication to see what the heck is going on..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 11:25pm

Hi winter, I've been thinking about you.

sweets35

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