One thing I dont understand
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One thing I dont understand
| Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:13pm |
How did I get in this situation? I consider myself to be intelligent. I watched my dad beat my mom when I was 5 yrs old, he was an alcoholic, and then my stepdad emotionally abused everyone until he died 6 yrs later, and I had no respect for my mother for trying to stay in these situations and vowed I would never let that happen to me. I married my high school sweetheart who was basically a gentle hearted man who left me 12 yrs and 2 kids later for a coworker 10 yrs younger. The only problem in our marriage was I felt he neglected me and the kids and was a workaholic. So he leaves and 5 months later I meet "mister wonderful", and there was 5 months of everything I loved and craved before the abuse and control became appearant. What were the signs I missed? I am scared to death to even have any more relationships in the future. My ex got married to and they are living happily ever after. Why do I have to be alone and in such pain? God it hurts. All I ever wanted was good and happiness for my life. Obviously having a relationship isnt part of the happiness equasion or have I just had bad luck with the wrong people? even if there are good people out there years down the road, I will be afraid to trust.

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"So he leaves and 5 months later I meet "mister wonderful", and there was 5 months of everything I loved and craved before the abuse and control became appearant. What were the signs I missed?"
Hi Cirrus,
The question you are asking is probably the most common one seen here on the board - "How did I get here?"
Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)
I don't know too much about my mom's relationships until I was about 10. When I was 12 i drove my bike for 6 hours to run away. At the time I hated my mother, I couldn't understand why she took the crap. Being held up against the wall by her throat, cheating, not coming home, hurting my brother and I. Now I understand that there is so much emotional destruction done before that.
I thought too, that educated people were less likely to deal w/ this. You know what? My ex (physical) abuser went on after R/O and paying me restitution for all my clothes he had cut and pictures he destroyed, to marry a woman who recently became a child protective worker, and he's doing the same thing to her! Also, I thought since my current abuser was educated (Manufacturing engineer) that he wouldn't be an abuser. I thought because the physical that began in the beginning had stopped, it wasn't abuse. But, I was left drained from trying to figure out what mood our reaction to anything would come next. Would he threaten to take the kids away again? Would he tell me he wanted a divorce again? Would he scream in my face, throw things or punch them? It got to be too much to handle.
H was so wonderful, until we were living together for a couple of weeks and I had no where else to go. Someitmes pulling my hair, sometimes not knowing if we should be together. It all comes quick! In less than a year H mentioned getting married cause work had offered him a job out of the country, and if we were married they would pay for all of us to go and for housing. I declined cause I wasn't pulling the kids out of school and moving them away from all the family they'd grown up w/. Thank God! That's one of the things to look for but I was so swept off my feet by someone wanting to help raise my family.
You didn't do wrong here! You've done great to get the courage to come to this board! Something inside you is telling you this is wrong. Keep reading, keep posting. Take care!
Carrie
Dearheart, you are SO typical!!
Instant intimacy. The "really great man" who shows up when you're at your most raw?
The way to get out of this is to really examine your pattern. I promise you, this will continue until YOU understand YOURSELF, and YOU find out why these "great" men can slide right into your life and you aware them the place of power over you.
I wrote to someone about the weird depression and longing we tend to feel after leaving an abuser. This applies to your situation, too. We look for that high-flying emotional roller coaster ... and we find it with the danger.
It's got nothing to do with education, intelligence, or money. As a matter of fact, I happen to think that's condescending, pompous, and really judgemental, but it's typical of society. I can tell you that people with money hide it better, but that's about it.
I digress. You didn't talk about any DV counseling for yourself? What have you done with these relationships' lessons? How have you used them to make yourself a different person, one not so needy as to fall prey to the highs of being needed by a control freak?
It all comes back to us. Not them.
C.
What is it with the weird depression and longing? I don't want to go back but I feel almost paralyzed by....I don't know what....Maybe I'll start a new discussion on this topic.
About the abusers.....my last ex-really crazy- has a Ph.d and is an associate professor at a big university and got a J.D. when we were together- The one I just left has a Ph.d in Food Science and Technology.....it's not about education, money , social standing etc...
I'm smart too. But grew up in f-upped home and learned "lessons" I didn't realize....like wanting to be needed after being rejected/hurt in my family of origin. Boy oh boy-I had a big V on my forehead-I confused being "needed" with being loved. Also, after feeling abandoned and unwanted/unloved as child-the abusers intensity felt incredible!!!
H took psychology and abnormal psychology, actually self diagnosed us both! Duh! Why did I take that? Told me once that he could condition someone. No kidding!
OMG! All the criticism, all the not doing well enough, or being good enough! When abusers actually do offer some affection and acceptance, we're so darn grateful that our efforts have finally paid off, earning us some love. I don't know about you all, but for me, when I did get it, I didn't even feel fully deserving of it. I want to scream now, cause of all the books, going to the Dr. Phil website, always trying to fix me and look for how I could contribute more or better!
I don't know how I went on about that.
Carrie
Plus, he stole or ripped up and threw away hundereds of pictures. Anything with a man in it. ALL pics of my XH, which were wedding pics or pics of my kids' childhood(births/birthdays etc). Those are a legacy I can't get back. I have the memories, but they don't. I hate him for doing those things; but sometimes I hate me more for letting him and for staying when he started that crazy crap. The picture thing was one of the first things that he started with about 5 or 6 months into our perfect and wonderful relationship. I am a sentimental person and love to take pictures so those things were important to me.
I didn't know or even try to figure out a dollar amount for restitution. At this point I just hope he gets a long sentence for what he did to me. (that story is on the sister board,too).
Thanks for the info.
Stephanie
He called me on the phone and told me he was doing it. My friend drove me to the police station and I filled out a report. The cop escorted me over there and the stuff was all over the bed and what he didn't cut up he had in the garbage can. Pretty demeaning, picking my things out of a garbage can. Pictures and old letters I got rid of early on cause he was so jealous of me having a life and relationships before him. That's the X, from 10 years ago. STBX went through my notebooks I kept while I wasn't home, cause I was trusting and kept my place unlocked for him. Both of these guys never started this crazy stuff until we lived together. It was over a year that we dated before moving in together, w/ STBX. I thought I'd taken enough time, I was wrong.
You're proceeding w/ criminal charges? What board is that on?
Carrie
I may have to start a post on this topic.
Civil damages are something that almost no DV victim ever goes after, but it can be done.
Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)
Please do!!!! I think my ex has taken some of my stuff .
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