~*~ One year of freedom!!!!! ~*~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
~*~ One year of freedom!!!!! ~*~
16
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:08am

For my one-year anniversary of freedom, I thought I would post about all the things that have changed in my life and the things I’m thankful for.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:45am
Cheryl,

I remember very well the 'mess' you were when you first came to the board. Then just all of a sudden when you decided to leave him you were such a different person! Your posts today and the ones you made when you first came sound like they come from a totally different person.


I have only been out 2 months. I have been very depressed, but now I look at my situation and wonder how in the world I stayed so long without having a nervous breakdown. STBX is pulling lots of nasty things on me. Two of my boys have basically turned against me. I just can't understand that. I was the sole caregiver to them when they were growing up and was always the one who did things for them; but somehow, STBX being the manipulator and con-artist he is, has gotten them to believe his lies. Everyone tells me to just not say anyting and someday my kids will see. I hope so. I didn't go to my son's graduation. Just 4 days earlier he had nearly ruined a vacation for me and my daughter my screaming at me about his dad and he moved out. I felt so uninvited to his graduation. I guess it was a self-preservation thing. I knew if I went to his graduation he'd ignore me, he'd be with STBX's family (who, by the way, NEVER did anything for my kids as they were growing up), and I knew I couldn't bear it. Maybe I should have gone, but I have to think about me now. My oldest son and my daughter I think will always be there for me.

Do I wish I'd stayed? Heck no! Just wish I'd gotten out of this when my kids were small and I'm sure things would be different now. I, like you, have no interest in dating. There's a man who has been very interested in me, but it's way too early for me to even be thinking about it. I've got many, many years of being abused that I need to straighten out in my head and my life before I let someone else in.

Cheryl, you gave me a lot of inspiration to get through this and to get out. I knew how you were before and see how you are now and know it's all worth it.

Hugs,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:39am
I am so happy to hear about your year of freedom. I have posted a few times but am basically a lurker. It means alot to hear how someone in the same situation made a change for the better. I hope you and your girls continue to grow together.

This was a day I really needed to hear some positive news.

Thanks for sharing your story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:40am
Hey Cheryl,

First of all congratulations! Actually I just celebrated my 6 months of freedom on May 20th. Thought I would put my thoughts on how my life is at the 6 month point.

I came to this board I last spring a total mess. I had been married for 26 years. The ways of Wendell had finally taken their toll. My concentration level was at zero, I shook like a leaf all the time and was afraid to say boo. Everything good I tried to do, turned into something bad. Wendell and my daughter(22) made the decision it was time to do something about me so I wouldn't ruin my son (15). During the summer months my son did everything he could to stay away from Wendell. Unfortunately, he adores his sister and they were able to work the manipulation through her. It was all so sick. I was in no shape to believe that my own loved ones would actually do anything they could to destroy me. I tried harder to make everyone happy..only to meet with more hatred and abuse. In June we were going to Fla to see Wendell's son and family. Prior to leaving I read an email from my daughter to Wendell asking if he should get me on meds prior to going to Fla, so I would be manageable. Every time I would confront suspicions with Wendell, I was called a crazy nut and many other things. In July we started marriage counseling...things digressed even more. My son was staying away from home more and pulling into himself. By September, Wendell had things in place. I would go to pick my son from the school bus and he wasn't there. Wendell used his coaching buddies to find things for Joe to do. I still was in denial. Finally I told Wendell that I needed my own counselor and went on a search to find one that was qualified. I found one in October. The day before the appointment Wendell was a wreck and asked for a divorce. I asked him to let me go on this appointment first and see what is wrong with me. After 20 minutes in the counselor's office, he said, Terry, you not going to like this, but you need to divorce him and divorce him now. I went home and accepted Wendell's offer. The next month was a blur of abuse, hatred, lies, etc. On November 20th, I came home to an empty house. I spent Thanksgiving alone and most of Christmas alone. I received emails how my children did not want anything to do with me and if I had been any type of mother I would have a relationship with them now. Wendell knew that the single most important thing in my life was my children and he used them full force.

How I am 6 months later:

I still have problems dealing with the children. My daughter has a lot of hostility in her because of all that went on and until she realizes that I am not the one to blame for all her problems, I have to be patient. We have had a few good moments though, and I try to keep those in my mind. My son and I have had some real special times in the past months. Unfortunately, Wendell keeps him busy doing things to keep him away from me. Since he is now 16 and very "jock" and under Wendell's spell, I have to tread water slowly and be patient. Some days it's hard, but other days I know deep down I gave alot to my children throughout their lives and I thank God for giving me those wonderful times to remember.

My lifestyle is slowly changing. I have talked and spent more time with my neighbors in the past 6 months, than the last 20 years. We help each other out alot.

My relationship with my family is so much better. I now talk with them and don't have to worry about someone making snide remarks about them.

This time last year, my job performance was at an all time low. If you go into my office now, everything is uptight and I actually have to find things to do.

During the past years, my love of gardening had totally disappeared. In a few weeks, my flowers will all be blooming and it will be gorgeous here. I have my vegetable garden half planted and will be finishing it up this week. It looks so nice.

I no longer shake all the time...still get moments, but they are becoming less and less. My overall health is getting so much better. I wear contacts and before they were always so uncomfortable and it didn't seem like I could ever get them clean. Now I have no problems with them at all. I'm going to be 50 here soon and I think that my mother lied about my age, because I don't feel a day over 45.

I am slowly allowing people back into my life and experiencing true friendship. It is so exciting. I no longer feel like I have to do it all alone. I have a long way to go on this, but I can feel pieces of the brick wall that I had built slowly crumbling.

I, too, have become extremely aware of how much abuse is really out there. It's funny, because now when I encounter the controlling behavior, I recognize it for what it is and don't take it personally. Oh there are times, when people catch me off-guard and I slip, but now I am able to regain my footing again.

Wow, this list could go on and on. Thanks to the wonderful people on this board and some other wonderful people in my life I now look forward to the future, not what will be the next thing I do wrong. I know I am not crazy, I know I am not stupid. As the control of Wily Wendell slowly leaves, the blinders are being lifted and yes, there is a whole world out there for the taking.

I too love you all and know that forever in my life we will always be together with a special bond that no one can ever break.

Terry



Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:31pm
Yea, Bama! One year already!

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I say that it is beautiful because you and your children are blooming in your new life. It is a joy to hear it.

Hugs!

Christine

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:51pm

Well, we are in the same boat there, Jackie.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:54pm
Thanks, booboo.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 6:02pm

Terry, you have come a long way, baby!

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 6:04pm
Silver, it's great to see you over here.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:26am
~~~~~~~~Happiest One Year Of Freedom Anniversary!!!~~~~~~~


Bama-Cheryl-Sistah!!

Congratulations!!! This is an incredible milestone, and truly--a celebration!!!

You and your precious girls are *living* now, compared with *merely existing* as you were in an abusive *home*.

It is so very important to read this type of message, from you... and from everyone else who has travelled this path, who have taken every single step in their personal lives, toward freedom, toward happiness, toward peace of mind, toward understanding, toward reconciliation (within yourself), toward truly *living*

...........LIFE............

I could ramble for eons, amidst my *grins* and *happy tears*, but won't ........this time ;) LOL!!

I celebrate YOU, Cheryl, today..........along with your precious daughters, ......reminding myself yet again what a difference you make, along with each and every person who addresses this issue and follows through, on any and every level.


~One day, one step at a time~

Indeed!

Thank you, SO much, for sharing this........

and for the difference you make.....

With Love and HUGS!!!

~MizLizzy


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 6:35pm
Cheryl,

Great to hear your milestone!! All congratulations to you for not only doing it, but making it a celebration of life for you and your girls. I needed to read that today-thanks.

CC

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