Ongoing Effects . . .
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| Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:43pm |
Well, here I am again, after being away for quite a while. I thought I was to the point where I didn't need support anymore . . . I thought I was "cured" now that the divorce is final and I have absolutely *no contact* with XH.
But, a few weeks ago, my BF and I saw him at the grocery store. We were there to get groceries, of course, and we went in my BF's car. He drives a fire-engine red vintage BMW, so it's not exactly inconspicuous. I'm absolutely *sure* that the XH saw his car in the parking lot and decided to come in to see if I was there with him. (This was shortly after I closed on my new house, and I think XH wanted to know if BF is living there with me or not, which he is.) So, XH came into the store, and walked right by us. He gave us both a dirty look, bought a six-pack of Mountain Dew (nothing else) and left. He was probably in the store for a grand total of like five minutes, but I was freaking out the whole time. I kept asking BF if he had left yet, because I was trying not to even look at him. My heart was beating *really* fast, i felt sick to my stomach, and I was practically hyperventilating.
Then, last weekend, BF and I went out to shoot pool with some friends. Well, XH's sister showed up at the bar where we were hanging out. So, we went to a different bar. Guess what? She showed up there about ten minutes after we got there! I swear, I think she was following us on purpose. She *rarely* comes to the first place where we were, and absolutely *never* goes to the second place we went. (That's why we picked that place, in fact -- to try to avoid her altogether!) I'm pretty sure that XH made it known to her that he would appreciate an update on my "status." This is why I switched banks, also -- my account used to be at the bank where she works, and I didn't want her to have access to my bank account information *or* my new address, so I switched banks as soon as I moved to the new house. I know her pretty well, and I'm sure she would provide any information she could to XH.
It just makes me SOOOO mad that he still has all of these effects on me. I really thought that things would be better once the divorce was final (which occurred on March 24) and once I was in my own place with BF (we moved into the new house on April 24 -- exactly one month to the day after the divorce was finalized! ), but it's just not working out that way. I used to be sad that things didn't work out between XH and I, and I used to feel like "what else could I have done to make things work -- how could I have been a better wife?" But now, I'm just mad at him. I have all these angry feelings toward him and his dysfunctional family (especially his sister, who used to be a good friend of mine!) and I'm just wondering if all of this is normal? If so, when will it go away? I'm sick of being mad all the time! I've tried to forgive him for what he did to me and just move on with my life, but I just don't think I can ever forgive him, even though I feel like I should. Advice? Thanx!
~Emm

You may not think so, but you are doing a great job. You have a new house, a new boyfriend, and you are trying to protect yourself from your husband and his sister. Give yourself a pat on the back -- you deserve it. As far as forgiveness, it will come. You will never forget what has been done to you, but you will be able to forgive. Time really does heal all wounds. Briefly, here's my story. I was married for 9 1/2 years when my husband, who cheated on me when I was pregnant, walked out on me with 2 1/2 month old twins, so that he could live with his girlfriend. That was almost 7 years ago. I don't even think about it any more. I'm not even angry any more. I've got my kids, whom I love very much, and I have a lot going on in my life. You have started over. You have a new house, and the beginning of a new life. Just concentrate on your new life and your new man, and you will be able to leave to past behind. If I did it, anyone can do it. Good luck and keep up the good work.
I wish this wasn't the case, but it sadly is.
CL-Blueliner4
I guess the peace and forgiveness will come with time, but I just have to *give* myself that time. It hasn't been long since the divorce was finalized (about two months), and the last time I saw him was March 22. So, I've only been completely without contact for about two months now. Of course, that's if we're not counting the incident where he showed up at the grocery store about three weeks ago! :o(
Thanx again, momoftwins65, and congratulations of getting rid of that loser of yours!!! You and your kids sound *much* better off without him! ;o)
Love & Hugs,
Emm
You're exactly right when you say they're a little "hinky"! That whole family is just a few degrees "off," if you ask me. (I know Nerfy's family was a lot like my XH's, too.)
I was talking to my Mom about all of this yesterday, and she said that XH's sister had her say when I went to pick Caesar up, so I shouldn't even allow her to speak to me again. Which is exactly what I'm trying to do! When I saw her on Saturday night, we *immediately* left, even though she was nowhere near us at the time. Then, when she showed up again later that night, we just tried to avoid her as much as possible. I *know* she wanted to talk to me, and give me another load of BS about how I've ruined her poor little brother's life . . . but I think, deep down inside, she knows better. I understand that she feels she has to be loyal to XH because he *is* her brother. I have two younger brothers of my own, so I can respect her situation. BUT, that *does not* mean that, if I were in her shoes, I would behave the way she has been behaving. Instead, I would be more inclined to stay out of it as much as possible. But, then, I'm SANE!!! (Which is *a lot* more than I can say for her, along with the rest of his f***ed up family!)
And I know exactly what you mean about how this is like "waking up" from a bad dream. When I look back on the six years I spent with him, I can't *believe* I put up with as much as I did. It's like I don't even recognize the person who went through that hell. I know that the "real me" is/was nothing like that person. It's amazing how they can change you. The scary thing is, you don't even realize it's happening at the time.
As far as the house goes, it's *awesome*!!! It's SOOOO much better than the house XH and I had. While my house with XH (where he is still living now) was nice, it was nothing even close to where I'm living now. This is, like, my dream house! I just love it. And BF and I just bought all new appliances for the kitchen, which are being delivered on Saturday! We got a new range (with flat burners!), a new fridge (side-by-side, with an ice dispenser!), a new dishwasher, and a new over-the-range microwave, all of which are black. We got a really great deal at Home Depot, and I told BF that this was *all* I wanted for my 26th birthday (which is coming up *way* too fast -- May 31, in fact!), so he agreed that we could get them. But, he's also going to renovate the kitchen a little bit after we get the new appliances delivered. He wants to lay new linoleum tile, paint the walls and cabinets, and install new countertops. It's going to look FANTASTIC!!! :oD
That was another thing that really used to bug me about XH -- he would *never* do any improvements to our home. It's not like we needed to do a whole lot, but he wanted all of the results with none of the effort! My stepdad was helping us remodel our bathroom shortly before I moved out, and XH *refused* to help him at all! Every time my stepdad wanted to come over to work on the bathroom, XH always came up with some excuse why he couldn't be there to help, and my stepdad would wind up doing it all on his own. AAARRRGGGHHH that used to piss me off *soooo bad*!!! Especially one time, when XH said he would be there to help, and then just didn't show up. My mom and my stepdad came over at the agreed-upon time after work one day, and I was there, but XH failed to show up. He wasn't there when I got home from work at about 5:15 p.m., and didn't come home until about 8:00 p.m. Of course, he knew they would be gone by then. And, wasn't it convenient that his cell phone was turned off the whole time I was trying to get in touch with him?!?!
So, these are a few of the reasons why I really *don't* miss XH, and why I'm so glad BF and I got this house together! It really feels like "home" to me, where my old place *never* did. Overall, I think I'm *much* better off now. I just wish I'd left the A$$hole of the Century sooner!!! :o)
Love & Hugs,
Emm