Only Abusive to Me
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| Fri, 01-14-2005 - 8:39am |
I'm trying to figure something out in my mind. I was married to a very abusive man for 7 years. Just weeks after meeting him he became abusive but I always thought it was my
fault. The abuse just got worse from then on.
We have 2 kids together, and unfortunately share joint custody with him. (Not by choice)
The thing that I wonder about is that he was only abusive to me. He is no longer physically abusive, but still is very emotionally/verbally abusive when we have to talk about anything concerning the kids.
He seems to have a good relationship with his new fiance which he has been with for over a year. He has never been abusive to her or our kids. This is the part I don't understand.
If he was truly an abusive man, wouldn't he be abusive to her? Or our kids? He has a good job and is seen as a charming, professional man by the people who know him.
How could he have been so abusive just to me? He used to do things like kick me repeatedly in the stomach while I was down on the floor. He broke my nose, he would punch me in the head with a closed fist. This kind of abuse just wasn't every once in a while. He hit me on a regular basis.
I am starting to think more and more maybe I egged him on. I guess it was the way I responded to him. I'd make him so angry at me he would start hitting me.
The new woman he is with now just can't believe he would ever do this sort of thing. Her and I have talked before. She says she doesn't see any signs he would be abusive to anyone. They have been together a year now.
In this situation, do you think it was me who had the problem?

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Hi
I want to start off by saying that I find it difficult to respond to your question, because I do not want to hurt your feelings or judge you in any way. Having said that, I hope I can be objective and give you maybe some insight from an outsider's perspective. I hope my comments will not come off as harsh nor hurtful, as this is not my intention.
I think that it was NOT your fault that he was abusive to you. He chose to act the way he did, not because of what you did or did not do. He probably saw that he could get away with this kind of behavior with you. Perhaps you were not an assertive person and you have allowed yourself to accept his abusive behavior for too long before you got out of that situation. He probably knew that he could get away with being abusive to you, b/c there were no consequences to his actions.
Why he chose to be abusive to you, is a tough one, maybe he did not respect and love you the way you deserve, so he thought he could treat you badly b/c he knew you would not stand up for yourself and leave him right away. He might have liked the control he had over you. He probably never appreciated you ad the feelings you had for him, and he probably considered you as a weak person, for loving him, b/c he probably thought how could she love me when I am so mean to her.
He probably felt superior to you, b/c he saw your love as a weakness not as something precious. At the same time, he felt really flattered, b/c he could do whatever he wanted b/c you loved him. He probably did not feel you deserved the respect and love from him, b/c he probably was unable to give that love back to you.
I’m sorry that he treated you so poorly, and there are no excuses for his behavior. The fact that he is no longer physically abusive does not mean he not return to his former ways. It is very difficult to stop being an abuser and it rarely succeeds.
He seems to have a good relationship with his new fiancé, which he has been with for over a year. He has never been abusive to her or our kids. This may be true for now, but it does not mean that at some point he won’t go back to his former ways. On the other hand, he could be seriously reforming himself, b/c the woman he is with now is a different person who perhaps put her foot down as soon as he showed the first signs of any abuse. Another possibility is that he loves her and since he does he decided to treat her with dignity and respect. He is no longer physically abusive to you b/c he is n longer with you. He is still verbally abusive to you however.
The common denominator here is you. However, it is not your fault that he s this way around you and he treats her better. The two of you were just not right for each other. Hew may or may not become abusive to her, after al they are only together a year. No matter how angry he became with you, he had no right to be abusive, no matter how provoked he was. The combination of the two of you together may be what created a clash for him.
It was the two of you together that did not work. Do not take the blame for his actions. Perhaps you could have done a few thongs differently, but this applies to every relationship anyone ever has. He should have done many thongs differently for your marriage to work. Do not take on responsibility where you are only partially responsible. No one made him do these things to you. You saw he was abusive and thought it was your fault and married him. This was your mistake, not that he was such a catch and you deserved this.
It does not matter if he is a good guy to the other woman, b/c he was an abusive and still is an abusive man to you. It only matters what he is like to you. He obviously does not like you, but this is in no way your fault. There are people who we care about and those who we don’t care for. How we react to the people we don’t care about is up to us. He decides to be abusive, b/c this is the kind of man he is this is how he feels he can teat people he does not care about. Now whether an abusive man can really love anyone, and can reform is debatable.
This is just my opinion from what I have read about abuse. I recommend you read "Stalking the Soul" by Marie-France Hirigoyen. It may give you an insight into your situation.
Stop, stop, stop.
Jody, beating yourself up over this isn't going to change anything.
Odds are he IS abusing her.
CL-Blueliner4
Thank you for the support. You both had very good points. Yes I think he has "refined his tactics." He is an intelligent person but some of that intelligence is used to manipulate.
The new girlfriend is the one bringing my kids back and forth from visitation every week. I see her every Fri night and every sunday night unfortunately. I can't face the ex, and he has done things like push me down in the front yard while we were exchanging the kids. She doesn't believe he does things like that.
OK.
CL-Blueliner4
Jody, you aren't living with them, so you have no idea how he is reacting to her.
Oh Jody, no no no! He did not just decide to abuse you because you are not a good enough person! Don't allow yourself to sink into that kind of thinking, you are hurting youself thinking that. He abused because he is an abuser, because of is HIS problems and it is HIS fault. I don't care how much you argued, it simply is something that can't be "egged" out in a person.
My tuppance worth; I think that it might be very helpful and strengthening for you to get some kind of counceling from someone who specialises in domestic abuse. Other here will have better advice on how to find one. It seems to shine through that you are so hurt and ruined by your experience. My heart goes out to you.
And I agree with cl blueline. I am sure that he has already started abusing her, perhaps very subtly for now (and I repeat, FOR NOW) but slowly paving the way to gain full control before he increases the pressure. At a guess, maybe he is on his "best behavior" because she has been receiving warnings from you that she has confronted him on. In any case, she isn't likely to tell you straight out. More importantly Jody -- their relationship is not your concern, not your problem anymore. I understand your feelings, but keep your thoughts clear and be glad to be away from that horrible man and focus on your own healing.
My prayers to you...
STOP THAT THINKING RIGHT NOW!!!!!
You did nothing to deserve this. No matter how "awful" you think you were to him, it was HIS choice to hit, belittle and berate. Abusers are very accomplished at leaving you with NO scrap of self-esteem and have you questioning if you really want sugar in your coffee (if you drink it that way). They enjoy pushing the buttons to get people to react the way they want; in some cases it it making the abusee angry/upset enough to yell, scream or cry, which then provides them the chance to beat the bejeezus out of you to "give you something to cry about" or some other form of control.
Also, how many people knew about your abuse? You didn't tell because (probably) you were ashamed, embarrassed and uncomfortable having to talk about it, and if he is as slick as most abusers are, no one would have believed it anyway. (Bob? ABUSE his wife? Not on your life! He's the greatest, nicest person you would ever want to meet; that sort of thing). He has probably learned to be more subtle in the abuse this time. Also, if you have stated to the GF that he is/was abusive to you and she doesn't believe it. It could be that even if he IS abusing her, she sure as hell isn't going to let you know. You've been there and warned her. The last thing she wants to hear would be an "I told you so" from you.
It would be interesting to find out what people under him at work think of him. I read somewhere that to get a true measure of a person, look at how s/he treats "underlings". They will be charming and brown-nose their peers and higher-ups, but woe to the underlings. They will be the ones to suffer his temper, wrath, verbal abuse, etc. That way, things can be taken with a grain of salt if anyone complains. (Bob? Well, he's a perfectionist and likes things to be done the right way the first time. Yeah, he can be hard on his assistant/secretary/whatever, but don't believe what they tell you. He's a great guy.)
Again, let me re-iterate. You did NOTHING to deserve/encourage/egg him on with the abuse. He LIKES to do it. And don't worry about the GF. She'll probably wake up one day and wonder how she wound up in an abusive relationship also.
Just my humble two cents worth.
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