Only Abusive to Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Only Abusive to Me
27
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 8:39am

I'm trying to figure something out in my mind. I was married to a very abusive man for 7 years. Just weeks after meeting him he became abusive but I always thought it was my
fault. The abuse just got worse from then on.

We have 2 kids together, and unfortunately share joint custody with him. (Not by choice)

The thing that I wonder about is that he was only abusive to me. He is no longer physically abusive, but still is very emotionally/verbally abusive when we have to talk about anything concerning the kids.

He seems to have a good relationship with his new fiance which he has been with for over a year. He has never been abusive to her or our kids. This is the part I don't understand.

If he was truly an abusive man, wouldn't he be abusive to her? Or our kids? He has a good job and is seen as a charming, professional man by the people who know him.

How could he have been so abusive just to me? He used to do things like kick me repeatedly in the stomach while I was down on the floor. He broke my nose, he would punch me in the head with a closed fist. This kind of abuse just wasn't every once in a while. He hit me on a regular basis.

I am starting to think more and more maybe I egged him on. I guess it was the way I responded to him. I'd make him so angry at me he would start hitting me.

The new woman he is with now just can't believe he would ever do this sort of thing. Her and I have talked before. She says she doesn't see any signs he would be abusive to anyone. They have been together a year now.

In this situation, do you think it was me who had the problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 8:06am

Hey Jody,

Who cares what they think about him at work. He is not worth spending time thinking about. Things look good on your side because they are letting you see what they want you to see. Right now he thinks his life is great. He's got a little woman picking up, dropping off the children. He has some else handling a responsibility that should be his. When Wendell's son used to come and visit....guess who took vacation, made the arrangements, etc. You got it...me, the stepmom. Go figure.

Stop being so hard on yourself. He had no right to do what he did to you and chances are when things get a little tough in his life, he will react the same way he did to you.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 9:44am

He was abusive to me in the marriage and still is, he just uses the kids to hurt me now. My oldest never wants to come back home after she has been at his house. When she comes back to me all I hear is "I want daddy." The kids want to live with him, he's got a nice house on the water, spoils them, they don't want to come back to me. It's killing me. His girlfriend has 2 kids that are my kids ages and they love to be over there.

I don't really know what to do about this. They tell me almost constantly they want to live there. I feel like I'm forcing them to be somewhere they don't want to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 11:03am

Oh, I know that must hurt alot. Try to see what they see through their eyes, playmates, fun, etc. It all looks so good to them right now and they are playing into his hands. Heck, if I was a little kid, I would probably want to live there too. You have no control over all of this. What you do have control over is how you handle it. Hang tight, set consistent rules and eventually all is not going to be "so great" there. The only problem is that they need to find out for theirselves, and they will. Have faith in yourself and the good person you are. One thing with children, you can't take everything they say personally. A lady told me "When they are little they step on your toes, as they grow, they step on your heart." She also told me the best way to get back is to live well. Your children will need you more than you can even imagine in the upcoming years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 5:23am

I have only just discovered this wonderful site with all the loving & brave women sharing their stories & giving support. One day when I have the time & if anyone is interested I'll tell mine.

I have only read one reply to your question so don't take any notice if someone has given you the same answer.

He treats this new women with love, dignity & respect, one to rub your nose in this new relationship & 2, because he hasn't trapped her yet. Once her bridges are burned, he's alienated her from her friends & family & she feels she has no resources that's when his behavior will revert to it's former pattern. He doesn't love her more or differently, he just hasn't had the chance to revert back to his former behavior. He will, abusive men enjoy the power it gives them too much to give up abusing forever.

I was terribly upset to read you say 'she's the better person'. She's not. Please stop the abusive self talk, you get enough of it off him. She must observe some of the abuse towards you & I have to wonder about a person who would have a relationship with a man who treats the mother of his children so badly. If it was me I'd take it as a warning sign of what the future would hold with this man & kick him out of my life quick smart, with a flea in ear about how to treat people, women in particular.

Don't be so sure he doesn't abuse the children, I thought my ex-partner was a rotten husband but a terrific father until it dawned on me that by trying to continue the verbal abuse towards me was placing enormous stress on them & also giving them a very poor example of how relationships of any type are conducted. He tells them what a terrible wife, mother, person etc I am. He makes them pass toxic messages to me, bad mouths my friends & family & has told them life is made up of 'sides'. Either you're 'for' or 'against' him, anyone who upsets him in anyway is an 'enemy', there are no exceptions. This is also a form of abuse. When parents are conflicted a child's world falls apart. My 2 girls went from placid, happy toddlers to angry, confused children, I have a difficult time disciplining them. Their Dad has no respect for me so why should they? I can't blame them, they are only little. I developed a backbone over the last few months towards their father & now they are a little older they can see for themselves that what Daddy says about me & who I really am from their observations are 2 different things so I have high hopes to have things back on track.

I hope this has helped. Please don't dwell on the past, work out a way of switching him off when he starts abusing you, remember it takes 2 to have a fight & for God's sake stop the negative internal voices, I know it's a struggle but you can succeed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 8:46am

I'm dwelling on this so much because I'm having a big problem with my oldest daughter over all this. She wants to live with him. She is 7. When she is with me she says this CONSTANTLY. She has said "I want daddy" so much this weekend that I have been physically sick over it. This is one weekend that they have spent with me in the last 6 weeks. She can't even spend one weekend with me. I thought we could have so much fun.

This is tearing her apart and I can't just let her live there. It would break my heart. I'm so depressed over this though that I'm almost nonfunctional. I have to pull her back kicking and screaming from vistitation with him. I let her stay there extra. It's not like she never sees him.

This is worse abuse that i EVER endured while I was married to him. The fact that my daughter may be living over there is very real now. My 5 yr old wants me and prefers to be with me. What do I do? What I can see happening soon is my 5 yr old with me and the 7 yr old with him. That would be horrible to split them up.

I'm at wits end. I was physically sick over this last night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 5:51pm

I'm just running to check on things, but I just wanted to respond to this:


Please contact your local shelter ASAP, enroll yourself in counseling and get both of the kids in counseling as well.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 5:58am

Make yourself a coffee girls, this is a long one!

First of all, you're not alone. Everything you described has happened to me. The abusers strategy is to divide & conquer starting with the children. I'm taking an educated guess he paid very little attention to them when you were together. Because you defied him by leaving they can be used as weapons so he'll take full advantage of it.
I thought when I left my X I'd done him & the girls a huge favor. When I left he had to do everything for them when he had access, (bet you a dollar the GF does everything for your kids) when I was around he never even changed a nappy. We all know what really makes a parent. Not the outings, gifts & treats to bribe them for their love but hard work. It's starts with putting up with the morning sickness, watching with dismay as our figures go to pot, pushing those fat heads out, establishing breastfeeding when our private parts are still protesting long & loud every time we sit down & when we put the little brat to our breast it feels like he/she has glass in their mouths. We change them 5 times after a feed because all that milk we worked so hard to make was rudely puked up, we change nappies, get up at all times of the day & night, try to maintain a tidy home, do the shopping, washing, cleaning, gardening & wait on His Lordship hand & foot because he's not going to tolerate a drop in the standards he's come to expect. That's real love, true love & we do it willingly, gladly for our children. That is the base you can work from with your kids. They won't remember any of it but some part of their subconscious will.
I left 4 years ago when my eldest daughter was 3 years old the youngest 2 years. Unbeknown to me he started a campaign to try & erode their love & trust, he'd tell them I never loved him (true but it wasn't information they needed to know), I was a lier, a sneak, never did any housework, I was 'mean' (ie abusive!), I'd been hell to live with, (poor daddy hadn't he been a saint to put up with me), I'd taken everything of value from the house when I left. I'd only taken our clothes, their beds, my books & the white goods. When the girls came home one day & acussed me of 'stealing' the washing machine I pointed out I'd never seen him use it anyway. This was all projection of his own behavior, all abusers do it. I had to stand firm & never say a bad word about him & gently steer the conversation to other topics telling them it was between him & me & not to worry about it. When they were older I'd explain things. It was so hard not to defend myself, but it was vital I didn't add to their stress & confusion. Their behavior began to change dramatically from happy toddler to angry children especially the eldest, she's the most soft hearted of the two & was convinced I'd been a bad person to her poor Daddy. Of course she became angry with me, he worked long & hard to convince her I'm the 'bad one'. He also knows I'll do anything to avoid stressing them & that means trying not to provoke conflict between us so I'd cave in to every demand. One thing I did do was apply & get custody of them. He was given very generous visitation, even the Judge asked if I wanted him to see them that much. I should have grabbed the straw he was offering but I was too tired of all the fighting to take it. As a result I have never spent a full weekend with them in 4 years until recently.
I have come to the realization I'm the only adult in their lives, I don't have to be their friend but I do have to be a mother. When my eldest came home from visiting him with tales of going to live with him I'd firmly said 'NO, children belong with their Mummies.' There were no long winded explanations, just a 'No' & I'd change the subject. I have worked through her anger, her hurt on behalf of her father, a 2 year period where she seemed to destroy everything I owned, her constant disobedience (we're still working on that one!). She is gradually coming to the realization I had good reasons to leave & what he says I am & what she sees are two different things. I don't make her choose sides, I don't make her pass toxic messages, I don't fill her or her sisters heads with nasty little stories about the time we were together or how badly the universal forces of nature have taken a great dump on me etc. It's one of the hardest rows I've ever had to hoe, but my crop is not only growing it's flourishing with my girls.
Keep your boundaries, maintain discipline (easier said than done). It's actually a good thing the GF does the picking up, they witness less abuse. If he calls & starts his fun & games put down the phone. Walk away & shut the door if your in the same room as him when the abuse starts if it's possible. There is no point to his ranting if you're not there to be his captive audience. Don't defend yourself. You have done nothing wrong so there is nothing to defend. Nothing, & I mean nothing will confuse him more if he knows you're not listening, they're like children & we have to give them the adult version of 'time out'. It's not possible with all of them, I was lucky. Nine times out of ten it would work on my X. I studied his tactics & worked out a few of my own to deal with the hissy fits, sulking (he's English & a champion skulker) & lying about me.
These men are so cunning, we have to learn to be cunning to. It's hard for us to be manipulative, that's why they chose us as their prey. They knew they could take advantage of our kind natures, our sense of fair play & our horror of conflict especially in front of our children & family, the control mechanism was built in for them. It's very hard, I thought when I skipped out the door all my problems would be over. Some were & others started & escalated, especially problems he generated with the girls. I have to be steady & calm in what ever storm he brewed between us.
It was so hard to watch my eldest cry for her father. All I could do was hold her, wipe her tears & distract her with some book or project. I didn't try to defend myself or explain things. She was too young to understand, most of the tears & tantrums we generated from the toxic talk he'd filled her with. I went back to court recently, established firmer boundaries to his access & rode the storm to the best of my ability. He's manipulating her into these frenzies to get to you. Take her to a good counselor (and yourself), explain the situation to her teachers at school. I don't know if you guys have laws about psychological abuse. It has to be pretty bad here before the Family courts will pull their thumbs out of their wide load arses but see what can be done from that end.
Sometimes, oh boy would it kill me, I'd call him & tell him one of the girls missed him & wanted to spend an extra night with him. I don't recommend this tactic to everyone but the point I'd made to the girls was I wasn't being the mean selfish person he said I was & I didn't do it very often. I did it because I knew for a fact I'd get them back in the morning & it worked like a charm. They don't ask to go to his place anymore. They know the days & weekends they will see him & trust me utterly. Find your tactic with the children. Remember, he's trying to charm & win them over like the girlfriend. He won't be able to keep it up forever, the temptation to abuse any of them will present itself eventually & all his so called credibility will be lost. Also, give your kids some credit. They will work things out for themselves like mine did. I had to go through a lot of weekends that were hell with them because they felt they should be with their father. They would be disobedient & angry because I didn't give them the movies, fun fair rides or the treats he did. They have learned things can be fun with me, just different. I don't have as much money as him nor am I as materialistic & do you know what? They respect that. Now they just say 'Yes Dad, no Dad, 3 bags full Dad', whenever he rants about coming to live with him & his new girlfriend. I have lovingly but firmly told them over & over 'Children belong with their Mummies'. I came to realize & you will to, your daughter is probably as scared of the X in her own way as you are. The crying & kicking & carrying on is probably a subconscious way of appeasing him. That was the bottom line for my girls. It might be different for your children, a good counselor will help you work through it with them. The biggest gift we can all give our children is the ability to stand up to their fathers when they become old enough, it's easier said than done. If I'd have been given that gift maybe I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did. Never mind, it's water under the bridge.
Most important look after yourself. That means telling yourself you are a wonderful, valuable, beautiful woman. Inside & out. Stress ages us. These men have taken so much from us. It's about time will all started replenishing our self-esteem, energy & good looks. Don't do it to attract another man, who needs the aggravation? Do it for yourself. We will be here for you every step of the way.
Most important of all, don't take whats happening with your daughter personally. She is being manipulated & used as a weapon against you. She's only a confused, frightened little girl. The X & I'd say his GF are working hard to erode any security she feels with you. Don't give her extra time with them. Tell her you've made plans if she asks & promptly distract her by reading to her, making a cake, taking a walk in the park, organize a play date etc. It might take a few months for her to clam down but it's imperative you establish these boundaries with her. I'll check the board every day to see how things are going & give you any support I can. I know you are overwhelmed, stressed & above all tired but you can get though this. I did & you can too.

Take care, all of you are in my thoughts.

Love Katie bear xxxxxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 8:25am

Katiebear, thank you so much for that response! That is exactly what I'm going through! I've got to stop letting him beat me down and take a different approach as you have. I have definately come to the right board, people here have given me very good advice.

Yes, my ex doesn't do a whole lot for the girls while they are at my house. It is the new gf taking care of their needs while they are over there. She is the one that picks them up and drops them off. She is the one getting them ready for bed and helping them get dressed in the morning. She is the one watching them as him comes and goes as he pleases over the weekend.

Unfortunately my ex got very liberal visitation as well. He usually has them every fri night to sun night. I get every third weekend with the kids. The more he sees them, the harder it is to deal with.

There is another thing he got in the court papers that drives me INSANE. Because of our work schedules (We both work odd hours) he got "the right to first refusal" which means he has priority over any babysitter. If he finds out I've left the kids with someone while I go to work he can come over and pick them up if he is not working. He has come over with a deputy several times before and picked up the kids from my sitter. It makes it hard to have any regular child care since we never know what time he is going to come around.

Once he has the kids, it's like pulling teeth to get them back. This is especially hard after working a 12 hour shift. It has been a nightmare.

Sometimes he has me so emotionally beat down I have left the kids over there.

This has been going on a few years now, but it has escalated because of the new woman in his life. I don't understand her. She left an abusive man prior to my ex. She should be able to see what is happening. But she tells me he treats her very well.

Thank you again for the encouraging words. You know exactly what I'm going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 4:54pm

Dear Jodyannrn,
I have just come off my shift & I'm 'shagged' as the English say I'll write again tonight. You are a real blessing to me because I was where you are now & it's shown me just how much progress I have made & it's boosted my esteem beyond belief, I've been going around the last few days with my head held high for being such a strong brave woman. So thank you.

I know when you were talking about your baby girl going to live with the ex you were over wrought. You don't think you have any fight or backbone left. We all have those days or weeks or even months. When I write later I'll tell you how I found the extra energy I didn't think I had. It's there, you have to dig deep but you will find it, I promise.

I'm off to give my poor 12 year old boy some attention before I pass out. Take care, be strong. I have been reading all the posts & messages from these wonderful women. There is a Warrior Princess in each & every one & we will unleash yours.

Love Katie Bear xxxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 5:17pm
I am curious to hear how you got that "second wind." You sound like you are a strong woman.