Only Abusive to Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Only Abusive to Me
27
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 8:39am

I'm trying to figure something out in my mind. I was married to a very abusive man for 7 years. Just weeks after meeting him he became abusive but I always thought it was my
fault. The abuse just got worse from then on.

We have 2 kids together, and unfortunately share joint custody with him. (Not by choice)

The thing that I wonder about is that he was only abusive to me. He is no longer physically abusive, but still is very emotionally/verbally abusive when we have to talk about anything concerning the kids.

He seems to have a good relationship with his new fiance which he has been with for over a year. He has never been abusive to her or our kids. This is the part I don't understand.

If he was truly an abusive man, wouldn't he be abusive to her? Or our kids? He has a good job and is seen as a charming, professional man by the people who know him.

How could he have been so abusive just to me? He used to do things like kick me repeatedly in the stomach while I was down on the floor. He broke my nose, he would punch me in the head with a closed fist. This kind of abuse just wasn't every once in a while. He hit me on a regular basis.

I am starting to think more and more maybe I egged him on. I guess it was the way I responded to him. I'd make him so angry at me he would start hitting me.

The new woman he is with now just can't believe he would ever do this sort of thing. Her and I have talked before. She says she doesn't see any signs he would be abusive to anyone. They have been together a year now.

In this situation, do you think it was me who had the problem?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 12:29pm

Ive had a good sleep for once & I know I have a few days off so that always helps. It's another long one so make sure your comfortable!

In one way I had a huge advantage when I left. I never loved my X so I never had to deal with the grieving process that goes with ending a relationship, I didn't have to deal with that stress. I was suffering from post traumatic stress although I didn't realize it at the time. It wasn't only from my X but past instances in my life. Jobs I'd been bullied in because of toxic situations I'd landed in that had existed before I'd even started but blamed myself for. I'd lived with my mother for 4 years before I met the X & I'd been worn into the ground by her, previous relationships with indifferent uncaring men, all to do with my low self esteem & inability to assert myself. I'd been bought up to be giving, caring, compliant etc. These are all admirable traits but if you're not careful people will read you as 'stupid' & treat you like a doormat. I'm a Catholic & one thing that is pounded into you, especially if you're a girl, is to take what people do to you without complaint. Remember when I told you it was built into you to avoid conflict & keep the peace no matter what it cost you? A lot of woman are programed that way no matter what their religion, colour or nationality is.

I feel like I have lived in a fog for about 3 years. I didn't deal with the consequences of the X's abuse, my poor relationship with my Mum etc. It was in the past & I wanted to move forward with life. I stumbled on a web site 'Bully on Line' & from there found links relating to abusers & the type of people they target. I had a long hard think (because I AM pretty bright when I have to be) about situations I'd found myself in especially with the X. It was a revelation! Is there some sort of school these people go to? It's so prevalent. If so I'd like to find it & put a bomb under it.

Information is power & in the past year or so I have been arming myself to the teeth. I changed my way of thinking about the X, the way I behaved towards him, spoke to him, my tactics. I stopped trying to reason, explain, placate. I thought long & hard about his behavior, his moods, how he terrorized & manipulated me, his general attitude towards life & how he reacts to stress. I studied him. Then with the new information I had I formulated new tactics. It was hard to rock the boat. It's so much easier to just leave things as they are but it had to be done. He spent far too much time with the girls & had too much influence. The girls were programed not to talk about what was said & done at his house & because I'm not a nosy person I took them at their word everything was fine. I should have been more alert. It was lazy & cowardly not to keep a closer eye on the situation.

There were a few instances with the girls that gave me a kick up the bum & got me moving. He's a real p#$%k to anyone when they are sick. He dabbles in Transcendental Meditation & although a few of their theories are sound & make sense the rest is twaddle. Yes, our mind can affect our health, but only up to a point. We all fall prey to colds, tummy upsets etc especially children. I'd hoped he'd be more mature towards the girls when they were ill but no such luck. One day I had to drop off some money he wanted to borrow, he was in a foul mood & didn't thank me for the loan. My youngest Hannah took me aside & begged me to ask him if she could go home with me, she felt ill. I asked & he agreed with poor grace, if it had been the eldest, Kathleen, I doubt he would have agreed. She's the favorite. Anyway he called at 8pm the next morning in his usual high handed way to make sure she was ready to come back to his place. I didn't answer the phone my son Patrick did & had the job of telling him we were both in bed. The X turns up half an hour later to pick her up & we are still in bed. He made Kathleen come to the door to fetch her. Patrick told her we were still asleep. Instead of waiting for me to come out & talk to him I heard the screech of tyres ( he KNOWS how much that scares me when he has the girls in the car). Kathleen was dropped off later that night & she told me when she got back to her father he had screamed at her to never, never dare ask for extra time with me. I had to face the fact they were frightened of him, terrified in fact & I'd let it happen. A few weeks later they were at a cousins wedding & were treated like dirt. It's a long story so I won't bore you with the details but it got me moving. First, I called her Uncle & Aunt who were the main culprits & told them they had forfeited the right to have anything to do with my children & if they came within a mile of them they were as good as dead. I didn't have to raise my voice, they knew I meant business. Then I wrote an e-mail to the cousin & politely, firmly & clearly told her I was severing all ties to that side of the family & why. I found out I was entitled to Legal Aid & got me a lawyer to change the custody arrangements. Then I wrote an e-mail to the X & battened down the hatches for the storm that might follow.

I avoid conflict with him because he would make the girls suffer by ranting at them about me, how I was such a bitch, he would go on & on about how I was ruining his life. They would come home stressed & hyped from 2 whole days of this torture. That's why I sat on my hand for 3 years. Every now & then I would make some half hearted attempt to assert myself but I always ended up letting it go to keep the peace. Not this time. I felt stronger armed with my new knowledge, the girls were older. I had some new strategies to deal with the stress they were going though. I'm in this for the long haul. The bottom line was I didn't want them to be the doormat I was. I had to admit to myself I was a very poor example to the girls & they weren't going to grow into happy confident women who could make good choices when it came to relationships. History was going to repeat itself & I was to blame. Thats where I found the strength. There was no going back & fixing things once the damage was done. I have to calm, strong & confident in front of them. When they are not around then I'd cry & stress & fall apart but not in front of them. They are older now & I'd explain the situation to them, without badmouthing their father. 'Your father isn't happy about the changes that need to be made but they are going ahead anyway, we will see people who will help us sort it all out. I can't help it if Daddy doesn't like what I'm doing, I can't control how he reacts to these things. I'm your mother, it's my job to do what is best for you even if it it doesn't suit other people, now lets go make some jelly'.

I weathered his rages, sulking, upsetting the girls. I had to for their long term well being. When I dealt with him face to face I pretended to be calm, never explained myself or motives, never argued, kept contact as short as possible. Whenever the bull started to crank up I'd fake boredom & walk away, hang up the phone as fast as possible. He didn't know how to deal with this for a while. When he was civil I'd reward him with a smile & 'Hope you're well' but still keep it short. Thats how I gained the upper hand. I retrained him how to treat me. It took months. I didn't give up when he didn't respond at first, I didn't cave when the girls played up after visits & the new custody orders will be final in February. The girls have a new respect for me & they have come to the conclusion their father is a bit of a childish, quarrelsome fool with no help from me. It was hard, there were days I just wanted to drop the whole thing but I knew if I did he'd never take anything I did or said seriously ever again. If I didn't feel confident, strong or calm when I dealt with him, which was most times, I just faked it. It got me through. That's how I did it. It might not work for everyone else's situation but it helped mine.

Try & get that clause where he can grab them from the babysitter changed, tell the court it's too disruptive to your children. Children need routine & calm. Don't discuss your daughter living with him & his new house elf. That subject with him & your little girls is closed. Talk to us, your family & friends. I promise you the less opportunity he has of tormenting you he'll start in on the GF. Don't let the children spend a second more with him than they need to. Drag your girl away kicking & screaming if you have to. Don't give in an inch. Both of them will soon realize this one is not up for negotiation. It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done but it will work. Would you let her play in the traffic? Drive the car? Start drinking? No, you wouldn't. Letting her live with him would be just as silly & irresponsible. It's giving in. You have to take control of her now because if you don't it will be 'I want to wear make-up' at 10 years old & sex when she's 12 years because you'll have no authority over her. He'll back off because he has someone else he can get stuck into & she's not your problem.

Let me know what you think. I hope you are feeling better. I have a hot copy of 'Kill Bill' 1 & 2 to watch. Watching a woman kick ass always cheers me up!

Love Katie Bearxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 5:50pm

I like your expressions, "batten down the hatches for the storm that may follow." LOL, how true that is.

You have given me hope and a different outlook on things. I needed another's insight and perspective. It keeps me going. There are times when I'm so depressed I'm almost non-functional, the kids feel the stress, but I can't seem to pull out of it.

I have to become stronger, like you have. One of my problems is the kids feel the stress more when they are with me, I'm always agonizing about the situation, trying to figure out how to change things for the better. When they are at his house, they are having fun, can be more carefree, he's not the one crying and agonizing over things. Men can handle their emotions differently. I feel things are not right, and need to be changed, just don't know how.

Problem is his work schedule. We don't have a typical visitation schedule since he works a 24 hour shift every 3rd day. Papers say he has visitation from Fri night til Sun night three weekends out of the month. What we've been doing is having the girlfriend pick up the kids every Fri night before bedtime (whether he is home or not) and I go to work on Saturday and Sunday.

Sunday night after I get home from work I call over there to see why the kids aren't back yet. He'll tell me things like "the kids don't want to come back to you." Or he'll put my oldest on the phone and tell me she doesn't want to come back. That is really putting her in the middle. I am usually in tears by the time the kids come back, after he repeatedly hangs up on me on Sunday night. It is exhausting.

I'm afraid to go to court to make any changes to the visitation. I might end up with something worse. Plus, what kind of visitation can be ordered for him since he works every third day?

Thank you again for your support. You have given me some hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 8:10pm

Excellent post, katiebear!


CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:45pm

I've had a thrilling morning sorting out all the washing. There is 6 of us including my brother so I have mountains of it. The X has taken the girls to a place called Phillip Island for 10 day's. It's only 1 ½ hours from Melbourne. They were frantically trying to call me this morning from a pay phone but the calls kept cutting out because they had no money! They're doing that because they have already had a gut full of him. On one hand my heart is breaking for them but on the other I feel a little smug. They always appreciate me more when they have to spend long periods with him.

Now girl, first of all no more calling him ASKING why the kids are still at his place. Firmly, calmly ORDER him to bring them back. Don't talk to your daughter over the phone. If she gets on the horn to tell you she wants to stay tell her 'it's not negotiable & we'll talk when you get home.' Go over with the police to enforce the order if you have to (no, don't wet your knickers you can do it). Drag her back into the house & if shes having a hissy fit about it time out in her room should do the trick. If she squalls for 10 hours have some ear plugs handy. Will she be angry? You betcha! It's going to be a tough battle of wills. I didn't think I would be able to stand the embarrassment or the drama but I got through it somehow. I'll bet you a dollar she's putting on a performance just to make him happy. Have a think about it, what else is she going to say to you over the phone with him breathing down her neck? What did we do when we lived with these men? We behaved how they wanted us to behave & said what they wanted to hear. She learned her lesson early & well from you. Of course we want our children to like us & mostly they do but we have to put up with the times they don't. You don't have to be their friend, you don't need their approval but you do need their respect.

I really, really don't believe all his twaddle about it being better for her to live with them just because he has a partner. It's a pretty lame argument. For starters he's only nice to her for as long as it suits him. He needs her to look after the children, clean the house, listen to the tripe he spews & have someone handy to jump on when he needs sex. If a blow up doll could do the job she'd be out on her ear. She's just an unpaid Nanny/Housekeeper & she's too blind to see it. He doesn't do to her what he did to you because he can't risk her walking out. Who would deal with the mundane things that need to be done for the girls. Not him. It's all fun for her now to play Mummies & Daddies with the new boyfriend but she'll be sprinting out the door after a few weeks of having to do it full time.

You must change your behavior in front of your girls, no more crying or agonizing in front of them. Do it with us. I remember when my Mum cried or talked about her problems in front of me it was terrifying, the feeling of powerlessness was the worst. If you're depressed & it's hard to hide just tell them your tired or not feeling too well. Don't let them overhear you talking to friends or family. That's what I do, if you're unhappy they will blame themselves. I know I did when my mother was depressed & she never bothered to correct that impression. I then spent 30 odd years trying to make her happy. But that's another saga. I bet work is a pain, I tried Nursing & quit after a few months. I couldn't stand the bitchiness. Sometimes we're not fun to be around. We're tired, stressed & overwhelmed. This dawned on me one day about 8 months ago. That very day while we were all in the kitchen I dropped some custard on the floor & we all danced around it. Another time I grabbed a pot & wooden spoon & we skipped around the house & in the garden playing drums & to hell with what the neighbours thought. I had to put my son on a diet, he's 5 foot 6 inches & only 12 years old but he's stacked on some weight so I don't keep any fattening food in the house. The girls & I would sneak out for thick shakes. I lightened up around them. I've always had a good sense of humor but I'd lost it along the way. I had to teach myself to be happy again in spite of what life throws at me.

I started to visualize the X, & anyone else for that matter who tried to dominate me, as a vampire. My Nana had a saying that people will suck the marrow from you if you let them. A vampire can only hurt you if you invite them in. He might be gone from your day to day life physically but he still drains you spiritually. Take that power he has away. Every time you have some sort of contact he has the opportunity to draw energy from you. Cut off his supply like I cut off my X's supply. That was another way I found my 'second wind'.

I really don't know about the court system in America. No offense but they sound like a bunch of morons. Other women here could help you with that. There is no such thing as 'joint custody' here as far as I'm aware, thank God. It makes things too messy. I have primary care of the girls & he has access. I can make reasonable changes to the orders so long as it's in the girls best interest & too bad if he's put out. You may as well ask for them to change you're custody orders, they can only say no. I think you have been so terrorized you expect the worst when you have to stand up for yourself. You can change this. But only do it once you have the tools to cope, you're not going to impress the court if you fall apart. You'll just give the X & whatever sleazy lawyer he hires ammunition.

I'm off to sort clothes. The X gave me his house key while he's away so I took the opportunity to take back all the girls clothes he hoards, Patrick raided his DVD collection! I dress the girls in matching outfits. It's the closest thing I have to a hobby. I don't earn much, I bought those clothes & I wanted them back & now I'm putting their outfits in order. Yep it's real exciting at my place.

Take good care of yourself. I will check on the posts, I love this board. It's my new addiction.

Love from Katie Bear

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:04am

I envy you. My daughters go on vacation with him and don't want to come back. They never call me while they are with him. They also have 2 stepsisters over there that are the same ages. That makes it even worse, pulling them away from the built in playmates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 8:35am

It's pretty late here so I'll make this mercifully quick for you.

The situation with the girl friend sounds like a fairly new one. So it would still have novelty value. Did it occur to you he wouldn't let them call you on their holidays even if they wanted to? It's nice they have children to play with but they are not step sisters yet. They are 4 children thrown together because their parents happen to find each other useful. If they had to see each other all the time they would be at each others throats. Thats just children's nature. Besides they know you're there if they want you. It would be a different story if they thought they would never see you again. The bottom line is children are selfish little snots but most grow out of it.

I probably made my posts far too long. So what you do is read them again. Then go do something, then read them again. When you wake up in the morning, pull yourself together & read them again. When you get home from work & the girls are in bed, read them again. And all the other posts too. We are all or have been where you are now. We are all here for you. That's what these boards are for. It's now one of your tools. You have to change yourself before you can tackle the damage these two have done to your girls.

Heres a few points to remember,

- Working the children up, turning them against you & stressing them is a form of abuse. If we love our children we don't ask them to take sides.
- Don't contact him & try to reason with him about the children. He's not a reasonable person.
- The topic of your eldest living with him & the house elf is closed both with her & her father.
- Do your best not to let the children see you worry.
-Give yourself some credit for being a good mother. It has nothing to do with nice houses, who can give the best toys etc. It's about the one who is willing to do all the hard work for them.
- Find ways to take his power over you away.
- No abusive self talk.
- 120 thousand people have just died, millions of others have been displaced & lost everything they ever knew or loved. That shocked me into putting all my problems in perspective.
I hope this helped.

Go to a good doctor about your depression & take something for it for a few months just to get you through this. There is no shame in needing help. If you're already taking something, try changing your medication. Some things work & some don't. You have to find the right one.

Just a quick question. Does anyone know how to get Barbie Doll hair untangled? It always becomes a mess once it's bee out of the box for a few days!

Will post again soon

Love Katie Bear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 10:27am

As far as the barbie doll hair goes, it is never the same after it's been out of the box for a few days, LOL.

Your posts are not too long, they are very informative. I do go back and read them when I'm thinking about all this again.

"Find ways to take his power over you away." That sums it up completely. That is the key. I can't continue letting him see that he has got to me.

They are 4 kids who are thrown together because their parents happen to find each other useful. That is so true. Yes, it is a fairly new relationship and I do hope the novelty wears off-SOON.

You are very good at giving advice. You seem to have a way of putting things in a perspective that is so true. I just can't be objective and look at things like they really are.

Thank you again,

Jody

Pages