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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:04pm |
I had the contempt hearing for the ex yesterday. It went well, I got a very large child support increase. I didn't expect the child support to be that much. He is ordered to pay $1319 a month. He made $75,000 last year. But the more that I think about things, I am getting worried about his reaction to all this. How is he going to act now?
The judge talked to him and told him to stop putting the kids in the middle and forcing them to take sides etc. She told him to bring the kids back and not to cause any problems.
I had agreed on $300 a month in child support three years ago. I asked for the increase because the ex was living a whole different lifestyle than I was. But he is also in about $70,000 in debt. The child support is going to push him over the edge. I didn't know I would get that large of an increase.
I'm actually feeling sorry for him. He told the judge that he is not going to be able to support himself now and it is probably true because of the debt he has put himself into.
Yeah the increase will be nice but is he going to get more hateful and crazy? He won't be able to live the lifestyle he has now. He is going to have to start selling things and probably file for bankruptcy. He makes twice as much as I do though.
He was playing with the kids minds and being so hateful before. I'm just wondering if he will just finally accept all this and back down now that he got run over in court. Or will he go the other way and this all escalate?
It's funny how I feel sorry for him when bad things happen to him. He has tried to make my life hell for 3 yrs now in any way he can. But what do you think? Did I do the right thing by asking for the increase?

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I am going through the same feelings of guilt as you. I have not been awarded any child support yet. But when I saw the figure my lawyer said was merely his legal requirement, I started mumbling something about how I don't need that much and how he doesn't have a job ..... I have been doing this about everything from the things in the house (but he always like this so much, I don't care if he wants it) to my work benefits (well, he could have this or that I suppose) to the support payments (I have a job and he doesn't). People have been telling me to wake up, that he is trying to use me and to stop caring about his feelings because if he cared about mine, he would not have been in this mess in the first place. I guess you must see it from the point of view of the judge. The guy must take responsibility for his own actions and there is no use for you to try to protect him from himself. If the judgement is unfair, he should challange it. But that should come from him to explain to the judge why he shouldn't pay so much. If the judge believes it, he will lower it accordingly. But it isn't our responsibility to take care of these guys. They can take care of themselves!
Regarding the fears of retaliation, well I have the same fears. Even as recently as yesterday. But really, can we alter the legal system to protect them so that don't get 'too angry'? I think they will be angry about anything. In my case, my dear spouse can work if he wants. He made as much money as I do even as recently as November of last year. Now he crys poor and refuses to work simply because he wants my money. So he files for spousal support. According to the anger logic, I should be blind with rage and attacking him at any moment. Thank goodness I am not like HIM though and don't try to fix things by hurting others. (Though he is not likely to get anything from me, being an able bodied 35 year old and an abusive jerk) Life happens and these guys get angry over just about anything, we can't stop it. If they are dangerous, we can only protect ourselves and watch out. But I don't think we can or should protect them from getting that angry in the first place. I understand the fears because they are mine as well. But I feel we should focus on trying to keep them away and not on how to prevent them from being THEM.
Ok, I'm going to swim over to America so I can give your bum a good kick! Don't you dare feel sorry for him. Your mind set has to change my darling. He got what he deserved & you start to work from this base of support & power that you now have. It's not going to be easy. Yes he will try to retaliate. How? I don't know, you would know that better than I would but the financial mess he is in is of his own doing. It's his problem not yours. He was the one who decided to live beyond his means. He was the one who tried to head f*#k the children. He was the one who abused you & made you the shadow of the bright, vibrant woman you were before you met him. It does my heart good to hear that one of these men are finally taken to task & ordered to face their responsibilities.
I was also it court today & it went very well. I got every second weekend, I gave the X every Wendsday during the school term just to make him think he'd retained a little power so he didn't realize just how much I'd won. He was also told not to bad mouth me or discuss court matters with the girls. The Magistrate said that they knew this couldn't be policed but to let him know that the court was aware of his behavior & was asking him nicely not to traumatize the girls & he agreed with a abashed look on his face. I couldn't be happier. Now I feel a little let down & out of sorts. I know it's because I have carried so much tension for so long. I'll feel better in a few days.
As for you my dear I couldn't be more thrilled. Don't worry how this is going to effect his standard of living. This is the Universal forces of nature paying him back for his sins towards you & the children. It's out of your hands. If he gets violent, get an RO & go back to court to restrict his visitation. Did you get that reduced? Let us know. I thought about you all Monday, I even went to church & lit a candle & things have to be drastic for me to poke my nose in church! Let's give ourselves a big pat on the back for being such strong brave girls.
I told you you have more power than you realize. Now you have exercised a little of it you can do it again when you need to. Keep us posted. You have made my day.
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You sound flat, tired & I'm not surprised. I feel like that too. But I'm very proud of you because I know how hard it was for you to get this far. No one knows better than me or any of the women here for that matter what it costs us to stand up to our abuser.
You have things you didn't have before. Validation of the abuse you went through & the fact he's still doing it through the children. You now have knowledge at your disposal you didn't have even a few months ago. You have support from other women who know what you are going through.
Now what you have to do is sit & wait & see what he does next. Then you take steps to curb his behavior if it becomes extreme. Find ways to handle his mind games towards you & the kids, try to detach yourself when he starts playing the blame game. Remember he is married now & his new wife will not want the lions share of his attention going to you be it negative or otherwise. If she has to get a job that's her hard luck. She took her chances when she married him, you did try & warn her so put it out of your head.
It's up to you, if he carries on with the mind games you might want to go back to court & ask for access to be reduced. It's your job to keep your daughters screws nice & tight. Don't waste any more of your precious energy feeling sorry for him. These men hound us into thinking that we are responsible for them. When I got myself out of that mind set with my X I found it easier to stand up to him & remain calm when he threw his tantrums. I discovered a powerful truth when I told myself 'I'm not responsible for him'. I wasn't being hard, mean, selfish or spiteful. Your X is not a child & he's made some bad decisions without any help from you & caused his own mess.
Let me know if your hair turned out OK!
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxx
there is no way of knowing how he'll react to this. you know him better than anyone else and how he reacts. what does your instinct tell you he will do ?? do everything you can to keep you and your children safe.
your children definately deserve the money and his getting in debt is his own fault. and he would have done that even if he had been paying more child support that's just his excuse not to pay. and it is a very fair amount considering your situations. it should be his children he's concerned about not things.
please stop feeling sorry for him he's responsible for his own actions and there consequences not you.
goodluck
My hair turned out ok, I put the brown over it and it has faded a bit now. I'm feeling a little better today, how bout you? Why is it that we finally get what we wanted and then think twice about it?
So you gave him back his Wednesdays. That is good. If there hasn't been any problems with the exchanges it would be good for them to go to dinner with daddy on Wednesday nights.
The ex and I had a long talk last night. His tone was a little different. I told him I was so sorry for running him over in court. He told me he was taken back by that and he thought I would go easy on him. I really did run him in the ground that day. It really isn't my nature. He was ok when I was talking to him. He told me it was ok and that he will "be eating out of Kentucky Fried Chicken garbage bins" then he laughed. I asked him if he was mad at me. He told me no, and that he wishes we could get along like this on the phone more often so I can talk to him about things like how the kids are doing in school, etc.
I don't know why I feel so sorry for him when things go bad for him. He doesn't feel bad when he's telling me "the kids don't want to come back to you" or all the false reports to DCF, the custody battle, the list goes on and on. You would think I could run him over so bad with things by now and not even care what happens to him.
My mom told me last night don't EVER feel sorry for him. She told me think about the time when he broke your nose or when he slammed me against the wall for not giving him money out of my savings account. She told me think about those times. I don't know why, but I continue to make excuses for him and feel sorry. He does have feelings like everyone else, he just can't control them. I think it was just the two of our personalities together, since he has never been physically abusive before to anyone else that I know of.
Well, I'm gonna go for now, I got to get this house cleaned up and do some laundry. Hope your day is going well.
"He told me it was ok and that he will "be eating out of Kentucky Fried Chicken garbage bins" then he laughed."
CL-Blueliner4
A part of me thought the same thing as him and I talked. I'm beginning to know him a lot better, his personality, his ability to twist words, etc. It is almost like he plans these tactics. I don't for the life of me understand why he feels he has to play mind games. The more passive I get, the more he is able to walk all over me.
I do feel sorry for him though, as far as court went, it was a very slanted child support ruling in my favor. I had hired the best attorney in the area. He didn't have one. The judge did not care that all his overtime had been cut since October, and I know it has. He did not think I'd run him in the ground that bad. Part of me did this because I knew it was taking power away from him. I will admit, I did it not because the kids and I needed the money, but because I was enraged with him. I am not proud of that either.
You have a right to be enraged, although I do not believe that anything you did created the mess he's gotten himself into. That is what's so amazing about these guys! Once again, he has you believing that you are at fault...maybe not directly, but indirectly! You have nothing to feel guilty about...DO NOT feel sorry for him! "Normal" men would do everything in their power to make sure that their family is taken care of, including the mother of their children...abnormal men will do what they have to, to make sure they "fight you all the way"!
I have realized this in my separation from my STBX...and, once again I will say that, I am SO GLAD HE IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As far as the judge goes, he has been lied to over and over again, and has NO SYMPATHY for abusers!!! Your husband did this... not you! Do not hold yourself responsible for what the judge ruled! The law is the law, and your husband "showed his true colors" in court.
Take care and best of luck!!
You are very lucky I live in another country my dear. Give me half a chance & I'd be charging up the garden path with a rolled up newspaper ready to swat you for being so soft with him.
When I first wrote to you I told you I had to change my thinking. That also ment my emotions towards my abuser. I couldn't afford to feel sorry for him because he was too ready to take advantage of me. I had to face the fact trying to be fair & even handed about the children & money was costing me more than I'd realized. Your X is going into damage control with you. You shouldn't even be talking to him. The only discussion you should be having is which bank account the money is going into & what day. If he wants to talk about the kids, fine. Do it over the internet. Whatever influence he has over you it still appears to be strong. What have we all said about lessening his power over you? One way is not to talk to him. We now have the internet, message by cell phone, your laywer. Smoke signals. Use them. If he says he has to eat out of a dumpster tell him you'll hand him the knife, folk & napkin, all the best hobos maintain some standards. God the guy is wetter than a snow sandwich. If he was ever at his wits end it would be a short stroll.
Of course some part of you still cares. You have to have to have made staying with him all that time make sense to you but it's now in the past. He has a new wife to worry about him. You didn't sign the loan forms that got him into debt, you didn't reduce his over time. This is a man who would take your children off you without a twinge to whatever continence he has. He'd do it with glee & probably make sure you saw as little as possible of them once he has them. He'd probably break your nose again twice over as a parting shot too. If that doesn't get you angry & cut off whatever careing feelings you have that should do it.
I'll type one of my long rants tomorrow! I'm off to get ready to meet my Italian toy boy. That means giving myself a facial, shaving the legs & finding some presentable knickers. I don't see him very often & he's pretty good about it. He realizes I'm too busy to pay him much attention but what he gets is well worth the wait! Any man who has anything to do with me has to accept the fact he comes pretty low on the pecking order. One mean legency my X left me with is I'm not in the mood for a relationship ever agian. I'm too frightened to risk being hurt, my kids tramztized & giving up my freedom. I've been like this for 4 years & it's worked for me. I'm pretty happy. My son told me the other day he has a much better life than any of his friends who's parents are married or single. I was so flattered. I often wonder if I'm doing a good job & he gave me a big ego boost. I never discuss it with him so I don't know what mede him say it but it was lovely to hear.
So until tomorrow. Take care
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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