OUCH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
OUCH!
5
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 1:44pm
I just need to let out my feelings. I am so hurt somedays I feel like I don't want to live anymore...I really loved him! We just had our one year anniversary - imagine if it had been longer. Why do I miss him? Why do I feel so awful that he is gone, but felt awful when he was around? WHY WHY WHY??? I am just trying to make sense of all this in my head. I have talked to him a few times and he is just soooo mean to me, calling me a whore and a liar blah blah blah! I really think he believes that this is all MY fault. He can do no wrong...It hurts...so much. I can't wait for the day when it doesn't hurt anymore. I can't eat, I have lost so much weight and I was thin to begin with. I hate him for doing this to me...I hate that he has this power over my emotions. Can anyone tell me what I can do to get over him quicker? One thing is when I really start to miss him I think of all the nasty mean things he says to me and the way he has treated me...that helps. *SIGH
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 9:42pm

It's a good idea to remind yourself of all the reasons why you DON'T miss him, as you are doing. Try not to contact him any more, also; it's no good making yourself miserable by giving him an opening to berate you.

You see, you are right. He DOES see this as all your fault, because in the world of the abuser, nothing is ever their fault. Thing is, that's 100% untrue. Try your best to maintain NO CONTACT; it will help, both by helping you not to miss him and in keeping him from having an opportunity to tear into you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
In reply to: ddinkle
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 5:38am

I know where you are because I was once there too! It hurts, and I understand about being consumed with missing him.

How did I get past it? I am embarrased to say that it took me nearly 5 yrs to do it, and I sure don't want it to take that long for you. What you are doing, reminding yourself of the bad times, is a big help - but there is more that you will need to do.

My husband of nearly 20 years could be so charming at times that I cried and cried when we divorced because I missed the "good" side of him, and I felt as though I were less than half a person without him. The worst part for me, is that I spent too many years in "mental pretendland" picturing how it could be. I didn't spend enough time focusing on the reality of what it was like being with him.

After we divorced, I would fall apart whenever I heard a song that reminded me of him, or went to a familiar place, saw a movie...you name it. We shared so much together that nearly everything I did, or every place I went reminded me of him.

I sat down one day and made a list...two columns actually. In one column I listed all the good things about him, and in the second column I listed all the bad things about him. When I was done, the 'bad' column was five times longer than the 'good' column. And then I took all the bad things and expanded on them so that I could remind myself over and over again why it was I finally divorced him...and why it was that I had cried myself to sleep for so many years when we were married.

It still wasn't enough though so I spent time in counseling to help me understand why in the world I would shed tears over a man who had hurt me so much. It was a very enlightening, and at times emotionally painful and draining experience. But, at least I was finally able to discover why I chose him in the first place, why I stayed so long, and why I missed him so much. It all stemmed from my lack of self-respect, self-confidence, and lack of self-esteem (it's a long story, but that is it in a nutshell). He was pretty much my "emotional fillng station", and he was able to supply things that I thought I needed in order to feel like a complete person. In the final analysis, it was up to me to affirm myself, and to be a complete person before I became involved with anyone.

You can get over him, but you will need to do some work to make it happen. And, as I discovered, if you don't..then you will waste many years pining over a man who was not good for you - and the odds are that you'll pair up with another one just like him, or even worst!

My heart goes out to you my friend. But put yourself first and foremost! Please see a counselor and find out about yourself...it will be a very rewarding personal journey and you will never regret it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
In reply to: ddinkle
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 6:20am

Something you said struck me as I was reading your post and that is:

"I am just trying to make sense of all this in my head. I have talked to him a few times ......"

I'm hardly one to be giving anyone advice since I'm still in the thick of it living with my abuser of 13 years, but I'll pass on something that my father said to me that has helped me enormously in the last two years, to deal with someone who is abusive and that there is just no dealing with:

YOU CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF NONSENSE!

Sorry for the all caps, but I think it's important. Don't try to figure him out. You'll just make yourself crazy and that's just what he wants. And then, when you are as crazy as he is, he'll be happy and will have accomplished his mission.

At least that is what my abuser is like. Tries to make me nuts to divert the attention from his psychological instability. It worked for 11 years, but for the past two, I have been repeating what my father said to me, and it makes me realize it's not me. It's his nonsense, and the best way for me to stay sane is TOTAL AVOIDANCE. For you that probably means no contact and for me, well, I just try very hard not to respond to his BS, just totally ignore it and save my sanity, which means most of the time I'm not talking to him at all.

Good luck and God bless,
Vonique

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
In reply to: ddinkle
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 6:06pm

D

Why does this hurt so much? It's because you have a heart, he doesn't. You are a caring person, he isn't. It's that simple. I am coming across so cruel today. I guess it is because after 30 years of putting his needs always first, his feelings of why he is always upset about something, taking all the abuse for all those years, has caught up with me. Do I now see what I lived with all those years, am I resentful now, you bet I am. All I have now is experience of what I went through and hope to help others not to. When you hear "life is short" trust me, it is. Take care of yourself and just know that the best help you will get is here. Take care,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: ddinkle
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 7:00pm

You've gotten some great advice, hon.