Is this part of the abuse?.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Is this part of the abuse?.....
7
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:37pm
Hi, I'm new to this board,and feel sort of guilty of adding myself here due to reading about some other womens' reality of physical abuse, but here goes. My experience with my STBX has been one of emotional abuse. Some people might think that physical abuse is worse than emotional abuse, and I suppose that in some ways it is, but I bear the scars of the emotional abuse. Anyway I have a question. It seems that my reality had changed when I married my husband. I always knew myself to be a very good writer, singer (performing arts in general) and saw myself going in many directions and possibly combining some of them. I have a great interest in psychology, the healing arts and I always saw myself as some kind of new-age therapist and healer using my writing to further my career as well as lecturing. But that is not the point. Before I married him, I always got great feedback on anything I wrote, poems, short stories etc. on my singing voice, which I used as an amatuer, not a professional, but nonetheless and other things as well. People always said I would go far.
After I married him, things changed. I had started getting into my writing again, poetry, songwriting, etc. Some of the people that I had read things to (including him which always illicited a very lackluster response) did not give me the responses I used to have. I used to get rave reviews on those before. Let's just say when people saw me they considered me the poet, spirtual type of person with an interest and a talent in those areas. Now, it's like people don't even associate those things with me anymore. For example a woman I know, but haven't known for too long, could say about another friend "Oh my friend is such a creative person, she does this and that,etc." Even when I read some new friends some of the things I've written, they"ll hear it, say it's very nice and never mention it again. It's like I am not regarded the same way anymore. Now, regardless of what anyone says, I KNOW I am good at the things I was previously good at, especially the writing. Not too long ago, a newly made friend asked me to sing for her, just to let her hear my voice, since she knew that I sang previously for some occasions but in an amateur way. After I sang she said "Oh I didn't really hear your voice that well," then changed subjects. Let me assure you that I know I can write and sing and have been told many, many times over that I should've had a recording career.
The thing that fills me with heartbreak is it seems that people don't associate all these wonderful things with me anymore. I am a true poet at heart and very creative. Since I've been married, it's like things changed. The point I'm trying to make here is that I basically feel like a part of me has died, and this is a very hard thing to take. All of the things I've been talking about are a part of my persona, and I keep thinking, was living with an emotionally abusive man a part of this? He has said he likes the things I worked on, but with such a lack of sincerity and enthusiasm, it has affected me. And the last experience I had with writing was writing some children's performance material where most people loved it, but the lady I worked with directly constantly criticized it. So you see, I feel like a failure, I never had criticism about those things before I met him. People would like to be recognized for their qualities, but it seems like I am at the moment, not recognized for anything. That kills me inside since I was so supported in that in the past. Please tell me what do you think happened, why do I feel this way,and why does it seem like everything changed for me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 5:57pm

ACK!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 11:36pm
I had quite a creative streak in me too, before AHL came along. I lean more to the visual arts. Mostly painting and drawing, but also have a great appreciation for all other types. For the last 10 years the inspiration has been gone. I found myself wondering what happened. I think it was I didn't have the emotions I had before. It seems emotions and intense feelings bring out that creativity. It could be good or bad emotions, but they must be there. Instead, I had this dull ache of pain and hurt. A numbness so to speak. So when I picked up a pencil, what came out was no better than a scribble from someone without any skill. People must have found it hard to believe that I could draw anything. I actually couldn't draw anymore. AHL would speak degradingly about how I think I can do anything; he would be quite jealous of anything I could do, as if I purposely was trying to insult him by being better than him. Gradually the desire to draw disappeared. Since then AHL has been gone and I am looking for myself again. I gave the art one more go. How pleasant to find a piece of it hidden away. Now to find the rest of the pieces. I started with some simple things to show myself I am still there. I then moved on to something a bit more ambitious. You have to start feeling again. It seems the poor excuse for guys we knew somehow cause us to become numb to that feeling so critical for creating things. For me it meant paying attention to all of the senses again. It meant being able to notice a fresh breeze again, the smell of spring, the sounds of children laughing, and appreciate the taste of a good Italian ice. It meant coming back to reality and out of that h*&l I was in for so long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:29pm
Hi,
Read some of my other posts. They will definately sound similar. Not exactly alike but very very similar in tone. I have been struggling with the "death" of my soul. The original one I was given as a child. That part of me is gone. I am left with fragments of my old self and tons of fear, self doubt, and depression. Its gotten so bad I can hardly leave the house. I end up holding my breath. Sometimes I grope my way through the store. This came on shortly after the birth of my last child. We moved from our home and my business crumbled meanwhile the emotional abuse escalated. He started getting angrier due to the loss of income, and my being busy with the baby. He told me he wanted to "slit my throat". Later he said he didn't mean it, he could say "whatever he wanted when he was angry. Right then and there my life ended. It was gone. I had horrible nightmares about God even forsaking me. I was truly alone. No friends, no business, no husband, nothing. Just emptiness. I ended up at the GP who gave me drugs for the nervousness and AD's for the depression. Next came menopause one year after my last child, then he unsisted I take hormones because I was nuts. His sister counciled him about my "mood disorder" due to menopause. Look, I could go on forever. You get the picture I'm sure. I need counciling. But right now its not possible. I don't even have a car to get there. Please get help before you end up like me.
Hugs~~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:57pm
I'm not creative, but I have been functioning much more efficiently since I left my husband. I just have more energy. I think all their crap drains all the energy from us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 2:01pm

Agreed.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 4:46pm
Yes!
Thats it. My AH is doing that to me. He drains me! I can't ell you when the last time I felt good was. Theres always an ailment. Its the neagtive ions he's giving off. I need man-b-gone spray! Remember cooty-spray? It works the same way. Puttin up my finger ...making a spraying sound with my mouth...There...thats better. Tell me they aren't all like this are they? If so then I don't want anymore. LOL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 6:01pm

No, not all men are like this.

CL-Blueliner4