Part II, the dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Part II, the dilemma
2
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:57pm

Hi, everyone-

My aunt has been bothering me for several months to start journaling so I can keep track of the things he says, but I never seem to do it. I know my story is long, but I'm trying to begin to get a sequence of events that I can build on, because people are right, when you are getting yelled at every other day, you do forget- it all blends together.

Ok, so here goes:
I wound up getting pregnant in May (I had just turned 38). Since having my younger son in 2005, I had had several discussions with DH about birth control. He had once told me that he would get a vasectomy, but when the time came- no go. I told him I was tired of handling it, forgetting to take pills, and not wanting to be on the pills anyway since I'm over 35 and smoke (bad- I know!). But once again, everything I say is ignored, and not his problem. So I decided to try the Today sponge. Well- it didn't work, or I didn't use it correctly, but I wound up pregnant. I was so upset that I tried to deny it even though I knew it was true. There was no way I could have a baby with this man again, and how could I tell him? He would hit the ROOF. Finally, I was probably 6 weeks in when I decided to take a test, and it was positive, so I knew I had to tell him. I was so scared. He went ballistic, drilling me over and over about the BC, and why didn't I tell him this and that, and why didn't the sponge work, and how could this happen, and here I went and ruined everyone's life, AGAIN, and on and on and on. I told him then that I didn't think I could go through it again, and of course he took the complete opposite stance of "we can't KILL it" (I had had an abortion at 22 because he felt we were too young), but now all of a sudden, abortion is UNTHINKABLE. And even though I asked him several times not to talk that way, he must've said "KILL IT!" 10 times...

Well, it turns out we didn't have to make that decision, because I got so sick and was in sooo much pain, passing out (and then bleeding), that I had to cancel my reg. app't and come in for an emergency app't. Then I had to drive myself to two different labs, becuase the Dr. couldn't tell if I had a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or what, so I had to go to one for an ultrasound, and then another to draw blood. The ultrasound didn't show anything, so the Dr. said I would just get my blood drawn every few days to see if my preg, hormone levels were getting lower, then he would know I had miscarried. I went in two days later, still in intense pain, and the Dr. suspected that I had an ectopic pregnancy, and admitted me for emergency surgery. I was alone and so scared. I called my DH to tell him what was going on and that I would need him to drive me home when it was over, and he told me he'd be there to pick me up. I felt so alone, but yet strangely comforted by the hospital staff, because they were very concerned, and taking care of me. It seemed surreal. They told me the Dr. would go through my c-section, and remove the ectopic pregnancy.

When I woke up in recovery, the nurse said "I think your husband is around here someplace." I waited and waited, and after a while, maybe a half hour or so, he showed up with the kids. You have to understand my state of mind- I was still coming off the drugs, yet I felt alot of pain, and I remember thinking, "they said it was going to be a tiny incision- I feel like my whole c-section was opened up." Around this time, I see DH with the kids, and then I get all upset, remembering before I went into surgery that I hadn't gotten a chance to tell them I loved them, even though I'd told them in the morning like usual- what if I hadn't made it out- I was just very emotional. I didn't want them to see me so upset, didn't want them to be exposed to any of this, but yet- here they were. DH didn't say anything to me- I remember thinking the usual thoughts "is he mad at me? What did I do?" Around that time, the nurse came in and starting telling me instructions- don't drive for 48 hrs, don't lift anything heavy for 2 weeks, no sex for 6 weeks, etc. She told me as soon as I could go to the bathroom, I could leave, and then she left to give us some privacy. He said, real nasty "what'd she say?" I didn't know what he meant- hadn't he been right there when she was talking to me, so I started repeating what I could remember, and he cut me right off "what about the sex?" I knew I was in trouble "six weeks". "OH- THAT"S JUST GREAT!!!" Sex? I was wondering how I was going to take care of my 2-year old, go back to work, clean and just survive (I knew he wasn't going to help). I started telling him about the pain, that it felt like they had just cut my stomach wide open, and he said "Well- that's what you get for not taking your pills!"

I guess that was it for me- I just couldn't believe he was acting like this, after what had just happened, and RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS. I cried the whole way home, and he dropped the kids and me off, and then went to fill my prescriptions. I knew that that was the only "favor" he would be doing for me, and I also knew he'd be stealing most of my pain pills like he always does. I called my Dad (who lives in PA, I live in St. Louis). He and my cousin jumped in a car to come get me and the kids, but DH could sense something was up. He was in my face, needling me for hours, and finally I told him what was up. Well- of COURSE, he just turned into the most pitiful thing you would ever want to see. “I LOVE you- please don’t take my boys away from me. I’m NOTHING without my family. I will pack up and move with you RIGHT NOW. Please, please, please….” "I guess I'm not good with hospitals". You know the drill. Even though for 14 years- all the hints I dropped about wanting to go back home, being lonely, missing my family, they were never acknowledged. It was always “we don’t have the money. I don’t want to have to start over”, etc. Well- he was finally saying he would do it- he would move back. My kids could still have their father, and I would be back on MY turf, so of course I caved. I believed all of his promises, and we started to make our plans to move back home. B/t/w- the Dr. DID open up my entire C-section, the ectopic pregnancy had ruptured, and the also wound up taking one of the fallopian tubes and one of the ovaries out. To this day, this wound has not healed completely...

Well, as you can guess, we didn't wind up happily ever after. I noticed that he's been backpedaling lately. "Ohhh- it's going to be so HARD to move. Just when everything was perfect, we have to start all over again". And he hasn't been helping to prepare the house (we need to put it up for sale in the spring). He keeps saying he'll get started, but he doesn't. And we've had a few big fights lately- he's been acting like his old self- throwing tantrums, saying IGNORANT things in front of the kids, calling me stupid, and then saying he didn't. I guess the straw that broke the camel's back came about a month ago, after a huge fight. I had threatened to call the cops the night before, because he was being ignorant in front of the kids, getting in my face, etc., but I DIDN'T go through with it. Well, the next day we were talking through it, and talking about our goals and what we want to achieve, and I finally realized- his goals are TOTALLY different from mine. They don't include us working as a team, they don't include spending quality time with the kids, etc. They do include saving up tons of money so that when we move, we don't have to get help from anyone, we can do it all ourselves and show everybody that we are not big losers and don't need any help. To me, that just means he's going to keep putting the move off because "we don't have enough saved to move". But meanwhile, since we've made the plans to move, he's bought himself an HDTV, bought expensive tickets to the playoffs, video games, etc.

I have decided that my older DS will be starting the fifth grade in PA, no matter what. That would mean that whether the house sells or not, I plan on taking the kids in the beginning of August. I don't think DH will allow this, and I'm not even sure I can put up with him that long anyway. However deceptive, I believe it's in my and the kids best interest for me to get him to PA. The way the whole pregnancy episode was going, I had met with a lawyer, and from what I understand, I would need to have full custody of the kids and a letter from him giving permission for them to move out of state, or if he won't give permission, I'd have to go to court and prove that it's in their best interest to move, and have the court rule on that. Otherwise, it's pretty much kidnapping if I take them out of state without his permission. My family has pretty much agreed with me that I need to get up to PA, and then when he shows his true colors, deal with him then.

I feel really bad about this. I'm almost positive I don't love him anymore, and I have no desire to try and work things out- he's not going to change. I fantasize about how my life will be without him controlling everything. I wish I could tell him "look- stay here in St. Louis if you feel it's best for you- I'm taking the kids where it will be best for us." but I can't do that. I know he will fight me leaving the state with the kids, if only to make me stay.

Sorry, AGAIN, that this is so long. I would love to hear anyone's opinion on the moving out of state issue, has anyone btdt? Any other thoughts or insights would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for letting me tell my story, NOW I can deal with making my plans. Thanks again!

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:21pm

Hi Beth,

So currently you are still with your H and you have not moved yet. I guess I was confused because you said something about starting your kids in August. He is buying things becuase deep down he doesn't want to move. He knows that he will lose control over you. That is the thing about abusers - they are all about power and control.

I suggest that you check out this website www.womenslaw.org to check out the state you are in and all the laws where you are.

He sounds very selfish to me. It is not only your fault that you got pregnant. Where did the sperm come from?? Yourself!? He isn't taking any responsibility and that is so not fair to put all the blame on you. You deserved to be treated like a queen when you were in the hospital getting that surgery done. He wasn't very nice and you deserve so much better!

Have you spoke to him about getting a divorce and moving away from him ? I believe that is the best thing for you and your children. It is very unhealthy for them to see the abuse going on in the house even if it is only emotional. It is still very damaging.

Good luck.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 5:57pm

Thanks, Lauren-

I did look at the website you posted, and added it to my favorites list, as I'm sure it will come in handy. Unfortunately, it seems like the custody and "kidnapping" laws vary from state to state, so I think I will need to contact an attorney, maybe in both states to get better perspective on what to do.

I am still with my husband. It's next August that I want to enroll my son in school in PA. I cannot talk to DH about divorcing or leaving him at this point. If I do, I have to have a plan to leave, because he would never leave if I asked him to. And if I left, especially if I took the kids, he would find out and never leave me alone. Or he might show up at DS' school, or other DS' sitter, and take them. The thing is, I just really don't know how far he would go. That's why, if I did leave, I would want to go to PA right away- that's where all my emotional support, and if need be- financial support is. I'm isolated where I live now- there's no one I would feel comfortable enough to run to. I would then have to go to a shelter- I just don't know if I could do that, and again- my son would still be in his school, and DH could get him there. I think I tend to overthink these things.

I just thought that if I could hold on until my DS finishes school, then I could have all my loose ends tied (two weeks notice at my job, etc...). If DH started up with excuses not to move, I could just go.

You know, as I sit here typing out all of my excuses, it's sounds so ridculous to me. I'm trying to convince myself to eat all of his s**t until next summer, then trick him into moving to PA, and if I can even get him to do that, which doesn't seem likely, then I have to wait for him to act up again, and then kick him out, because I'll have my family behind me.

It just seems wrong..I don't know what I will do.
Thanks for listening!

Beth