peaceful but so empty
Find a Conversation
peaceful but so empty
| Thu, 02-23-2006 - 1:37am |
Hello everyone. I'm doing okay so far. I haven't had any calls from my boyfriend for four days now. I feel much more at peace since I don't have to be pulled into arguments when talking with him but I feel so lonely and empty. I don't feel like doing anything. I try to look for a yoga class but I think to myself maybe I'll start a little later. I keep finding myself thinking about him when he used to be nice and kind and I really miss him. I feel like crying. Even though he could be really mean I notice that I relied a lot on him just being there. I keep thinking "what if I had been more understanding, more loving?" I hardly ever told him how I felt about him hitting me or saying mean things. I occasionally raised my arm to protect myself but that was all I did. I didn't tell him not to hit me I just asked him to hit me other places if he had to because my head hurt too much. I hate myself for just having sat there doing nothing. Would've it been different if I made it clear to him that I didn't like it? That's what he says. I know he does have abusive characters when I think rationally but emotionally I keep making excuses for his behavior.
I find myself waiting for his calls. I still have my cell phone with me everywhere in the house. He used to always say that he couldn't live without me but he seems to be doing well and I'm the one missing him so much. I had always thought he was so possessive of me because he love me so much. I realized it wasn't that. That makes me sad because I thought our love was so special. Do they really love you when they say so? My boyfriend says he just chose the wrong way to show his love.
I know I have to move on but it's so hard and it hurts so bad.
I find myself waiting for his calls. I still have my cell phone with me everywhere in the house. He used to always say that he couldn't live without me but he seems to be doing well and I'm the one missing him so much. I had always thought he was so possessive of me because he love me so much. I realized it wasn't that. That makes me sad because I thought our love was so special. Do they really love you when they say so? My boyfriend says he just chose the wrong way to show his love.
I know I have to move on but it's so hard and it hurts so bad.

Alb, the sadness that you're feeling is totally normal.Let me just say though,that it is not HIM you are missing. You're missing companionship and the *IDEA* of him and who you *WANT* him to be.Try to keep yourself busy, maybe go out with friends,get a manicure ..do something nice for yourself.I know it's hard, but try to keep your mind off of him.You need time to heal.It's so easy to fall right back into their trap.Someday you will find a man who truly cares for you and respects you.That is what you deserve.Keep your head up and don't think of this as a *LOSS*, you have *GAINED* your freedom back, be happy!!!
(((Hugs)))
Serenity
He said he was so sorry about what he had done to me. He said he thought over what he had done from an objective view and siad he would have wanted to die if he were in my shoes. For the past month he had continued to blame me for it and said I was going mad which is why I went to a therapist in the first place. But yesterday he confessed that he kept saying I was crazy to put me down and make me give up. He now says "you're not crazy, you don't need a therapist." He said he couldn;t admit the truth, if it were the truth, because he couldn't think of seeing me anymore after he admitted himself as abusive. I asked him why. And he answered that once he admitteed the fact that he is abusive, whatever he did or said in the future, whatever mistakes he made I would assume it was because of his abusive behavior and accuse him an abuser.
Last Monday I told him I didn't want to see him because his behavior towards me in front of his parents during dinner on Sunday told me he did not admit anything he did was bad and had no intention of fixing our relationship, that there was no hope of changing him. I thought if he admitted it we could work it out together with help from experts. Why does he think the opposite? He just kept saying sorry and that he will live with the guilt all his life and left soon. I burst into tears. I wanted to hug him and say I loved him but I didn't. I really want to talk with him and hear his true feelings towards me. It would be a great help for me to move on if he had no special feelings for me any more and if he really loved me I don't want to lose him because I believe he could change once he acknowledged his abusive character. But at the same time, I don't want to look vulnerable. Do you think it would be okay if I asked him for a talk first?
ABSOLUTELY NOT! DO NOT HAVE A TALK WITH HIM!
What's going on right now is what we call the "sweet baby" phase. He wants you back, so he is going to say and do whatever it is he thinks you want to hear and see in order to get you back. The thing is, it's all fake. If you were to go back with him, he might be OK for awhile, but then it would be back to same old same old.
This is why we preach No Contact. Any opportunity they get to talk with you is an opportunity to suck you back in, and it's not going to change. I know how desperately you want it to, but it just isn't. Of the thousands of abusers whose victims have come through here, over about ten years, ONE abuser has successfully managed to truly change. ONE. Sad to say, the odds aren't good that he will be the second.
Agreeing wholeheartedly with Erin.