personality disorders and abusive relationship ..are they related?

Avatar for winter2007
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Registered: 06-17-2006
personality disorders and abusive relationship ..are they related?
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 5:39pm

So talking to my therapist today, she is convinced that H has personality disorder.

Looking at

It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
  1. feelings of excessive doubt and caution;
  2. preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedule;
  3. perfectionism that interferes with task completion;
  4. excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships;
  5. excessive pedantry and adherence to social conventions;
  6. rigidity and stubbornness;
  7. unreasonable insistence by the individual that others submit exactly to his or her way of doing things, or unreasonable reluctance to allow others to do things;
  8. intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses.
(he fits at least 6 out of 8 above)


Looking at symptoms, he fits at least 60-70% of the symptoms.

Also he fits this

At least three of the following must be present, one of which must be (2):

  1. marked tendency to act unexpectedly and without consideration of the consequences;
  2. marked tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or criticized;
  3. liability to outbursts of anger or violence, with inability to control the resulting behavioural explosions;
  4. difficulty in maintaining any course of action that offers no immediate reward;
  5. unstable and capricious mood.

Wondering any thoughts on this or have you noticed same in the abusers you have encounterd? Does the disorder lead to them being abusive..?

Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
You can also google for "type B characteristics", NOT type B personality traits, and get quite the eye full there. The advocate where I work read this after I printed it for her and she was amazed at how accurately (albeit worse case scenario) it describes abusers. Not being a mental health professional, I have no idea if your husband has either of the diagnoses. But yes, many, many abusers ARE narcissistic and BPD would not surprise me one little bit either. But I still contend that to abuse someone is a choice. It's 'possible' the disorder could lead to the abuse, but I don't recall ever hearing of any. Problem is, it's almost impossible to get an abuser to go for evaluation and treatment of psyche concerns. After all, there is nothing wrong with them...sigh, vicious circle.

Mama Harmony

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Registered: 05-20-2009

Reminds me of the movie with Julia Roberts,

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Registered: 01-02-2008


I have been reading your story and Have to say that I was married to a man like this for 8 years when I left him. It started out as verbal abuse and then he started punching out walls and doors in the house. He was very controlling and your list fits him to a tee. I didnt know what was happening and I was shocked at all of it. I started to study abuse and the cycle and all of it and one day I just couldnt take it anymore. The honeymoon stage got shorter and shorter so I had an opportunity to leave so I did. I stayed out for 15 months at a friends and well it took about another 2 years for a divorce. In that time for me to heal I learned about npd and bp and all of that. Now although my ex never got diagnosed I believe in my heart of hearts he is controlling; has narcisstic personality disorder and has many sociopathic qualities..,, I def. do not need for him to be diagnosed. My ex is what he is.... Some days I even think he is just a mean old nasty person who hates life and once in awhile Mr. Nice guy comes out because he has too. I mean you cant be mean and nasty all the time right?It wont get you anywhere. Oh; I love the list thing. My ex had lists galore. It was soooooooo bizzaro... He had a bunch of lists all the time sitting on the kitchen table . I mean a lot of lists. He also used to try and tell me how to do things and when to do them and where and on and on...............I also read that abuse is a choice but sometimes there is an argument for that.

All I know is that my therapist told me its time to leave and get a divorce and stop worrying about what my ex is and live my life.. Best advice I ever got.

oh; my ex has had the same gfriend now for over four years and I know that he abuses her.. She is in the cylce now because I have heard that she tries to break up with him many many times but since he is paying her rent and bills and controls her rest assured she has turned into that vegetable I used to be. So his tactics are the same but he just changed victims.

why would an abuser change when they get whatever they want with the way they are. I wasnt out the door a week and my ex was on dating sites and looking for women. He found a new one right away and I was history. that is what hurts the most that our marriage was a joke; a lie; a sham and it still hurts to this day and I cant get back those 8-10 years of my life.

something I will never get over

thanks for letting me share

Avatar for winter2007
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Registered: 06-17-2006

Freeatlast - thanks for sharing your does help to get validation that these men do share the same traits..

sweets35, harmony -

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Registered: 04-04-2003

I'm going to give you my honest opinion & my own personal experience.

Avatar for winter2007
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Registered: 06-17-2006

wishful - sorry to hear what you had to go through. I think you should minimize any connection with her. She seems to still affect you and control you. If she needs to get help loading her software, she should get other help. I have another friend who still wants to talk to her Dad (who is like 82) and confront him about his emotional/verbal abuse from childhood..I am so scared my DD will get that way..

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Registered: 04-04-2003

The longer your DD stays in the abusive & controlling environment, she will most likely get that way.