PFA Today and proof of another woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2011
PFA Today and proof of another woman
7
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 5:07pm

We had our PFA today. He had a cross one against me. He actually had a picture of him with a 'black eye'! I swear it looked like make up, and I KNOW I didn't do it..he had his texts printed out and because some of my texts had profanity, my lawyer said it would be best if I just agreed to the PFA, instead risk getting a judge that would find me guilty of something, etc...And let me be clear..my texts would read along the lines of 'You're never here for your visits w/ the baby, no you're not coming to my house now, stay with the wh_res your with and leave me the f_ck alone..and that can be 'intimidating'..I cannot believe the nerve of the picture of his 'black eye'! And he had his mother and friend there, I guess to say I hit him!!! And the date of the pic is Sept and in his PFA claims he said I hit him in November or something..but my lawyer just thought it best I didn't risk it. And honestly, I am glad I didn't risk it, as I believe I would have gotten too emotional in a trial.

He asked for custody, for me to pay costs, etc. and got none. I just agreed to a pfa..so no guns for me for a year..oh darn.

He quickly agreed to my PFA, I was loaded with real evidence, and he has state supervised visits with our 1 yr old. I have to call about them..this is the last thing I wanted..I had such hope for us, having her...but we just weren't worth him changing him. I've needed him and he completely let me down. Was so awful to me, when i kicked him out, he went into partying, never visiting his baby..no help when i was incredibly sick..and when he used me all up, he just escalated so so much in anger and disrupting our lives..oh, I've typed it out before..NOW, when I was looking over his text 'evidence' I saw texts from, obviously a woman- making comments about 'we'll get thru this together' 'love u baby'...in Jan and just Feb 5th he was saying he wanted me back, he'd give everything up and loves me..

But it was another kick in the gut to see it in black in white. Being with

Avatar for ltlfredom
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 3:49pm

omg im so very sorry to hear all of this. how do you keep yourself from going crazy? my prayers are with you girl. my daughter is now 38 i never got a bloody penny for her from her father. and he was smart i was trying to get money and the state wanted him to pay but he went from having a real job, to quiting and all these years he was living on doing illigal things to make money and that way there was no proof he had any income. we were never married, cause i said i did not love him and i would not marry someone i was not in love. he used that against me. after a while i just had to accept he would never help ,and told him to go to h--- that we didn't need his f------ money and we are better of without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2011
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 9:43pm

Yeah, I'm sick of the pathetic me. Seeing him yesterday, and seeing print outs of texts of another woman to him has re-opened wounds and all I can do is think about how he is doing his thing and I'm sad. Amazing how I forget how much he sucks and the life of living on eggshells..the agony of constant name calling, put downs..just complete sadness. I can't see myself out socially at all yet, and another man? NO WHERE in my near future. How upsetting to have seen a text from some 'woman' saying 'love you baby' to him and during that time he would tell me how 'he'd give it all up, if I'd let him back'..but never told me he was w/ a woman. I felt it in my bones, but to have it in

Avatar for ltlfredom
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 11:08am

it does hurt girl very much and you feel you won't ever get pass this time of pain fear betrayel. my ex husband cheated on me and i even caught him in the act when i open the bedroom door. holy s---, all i said is [ i'll see you in court] and left crying. i made my own divorce cause it was cheap. but i didn't go out with a guy for years cause i could not trust. and i did obsess a lot at the beginning. i would drive to see where he was and that went on for a long time. after a long time i started dating and maybe 7 years later i found my love for life who i am with right now. i wanted to grow old with someone and felt cause of my mental illness i would not find that guy, but i did. we have been together for 25 years and no it has not been all rosy. in between these years he got married and i was so much in pain cause i knew in my heart i could never love anyone like i did and do him. my sexual issues of being abuse was our biggest problem. finally the last breakup i was the one to leave him and he was so upset he started looking for someone and did do his single scene, and he was not happy cause there was no one like me out there and he and i are very alike with what we like to do. we got back and did go to a good specailist on sexual abuse and the dr told him he was abusing me.....well let me tell you he got it and we have been great ever since,i also during this time worked on myself and learn to stop being so up tight about sex......life is not always easy for some of us in fact it can be sucky. i've walked in your shoes in some areas and its so hard when you have your children to try and stay ok. i didn't my daughter saw me cry a lot.i would land in the hospital some times. god it was hard when i was young. i'm glad my life is secure with my b.f.now and he tells me he will always love me. we are older now , i'm almost 60 and he is 74.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 11:56am

Dear Bella;

OMG. I know exactly how you feel. I was there and been there and done that.. As soon as I walked out the abusive door my ex had a new victim. they are still together and I truly know he abuses her. I have heard through many grapevines about it. Only thing is that he pays all of her bills so she takes the abuse and they dont live together ..

when I found this out years ago it stung me so hard and I cried and cried and wondered what did I do wrong? I had tons of support at that time. Counseling; womens groups; family; friends; books; websites and I wrote in a journal all the time. There is so much work to be done on oneself when there is an abuser in the picture. dont be so hard on yourself. Feel the hurt; the anger; the emotions and let the tears continue and wash over you again and again. I must have cried enough to fill thousands of oceans.

You need healing first and foremost. Time with yourself; time away from abuse and his crap.. Yes; its his crap and always look at the gfriend as the new victim. I always call my ex's gfriend his victim and not his new gfriend. Consider yourself fortunate and you cant see it

Avatar for ltlfredom
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 12:13pm

i believe you sent me that messege and if so i need to let you know that after 4 years past we became good friends and i was able to let go of all the hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2011
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 12:41pm

Thanks for the responses. I feel like I'm crazy...and I keep trying to turn it around, thinking about how it's only a matter of time before he starts being mean to her..but I hate that I'm sad. The messages I saw keep playing in my head..it's torturing me. And I feel like I have no closure, I can't tell him what I feel I need to say. And it is so devastating to know he can be with someone. I swear I don't want to obsess and torture myself w/ these thoughts, but I can't get rid of them. All those years, all that I have done for him, hopes for him to change and I was never worth it. My baby w/ him was a surprise, but when I found out it was a girl I thought he'd change for sure. He was in jail from my 19th week of pregnancy until she was 4 months old and I was so so alone. And to not appreciate all I did for him THEN and when he came home..and I only asked to be treated 'ok'..I don't ask for much. And it hurts to know I wasn't worth it..it is sheer agony to know our baby girl wasn't worth it. And to top it all off, he can just f_cking skip onto the next - and be out there doing god knows what together, while I'm alone. I have my kids. I have my parents. But no friends. No social life. No money any way. How can he just be with someone else? Intimate, anything...I swear if I had a wish it wouldn't be for money or a great body anymore..it would be that I could get him out of my head.

It is nice to have someone respond and understand you. My mom, my older daughter, just don't get it. I should just be happy that the chapter is finally closing and I will live again one day, not just be alive...He has taken so much from me, money, hopes, dreams, cherished time I will never get back..on and on. /And he is sstill taking my joy, and he isn't even in contact. I just can't stop obsessing about him being with someone else. I feel so everloving pathetic.

I am going to try to journal so I don't have to keep being a broken record on these boards..I use to journal before I met him..it was part of me..and he found it and I haven't been able to since..and that was years ago..but I have a notebook ready. so hopefully soon.

I am sick of this broken heart pain. Something has got to give. Thanks for listening. Again. Reading your responses to me had me bawling, and I was typing so forgive any typos..

A

Avatar for ltlfredom
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 12:54pm

i promise you what your feeling is just so normal. and you are still emotionally involved.