Please advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Please advise
12
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 10:54am

I'm not sure this is the right board, but here is my problem.
I've been with the same man for more than 30 yrs, married for 20 yrs. I've been beaten with many objects the latest being a hammer and a bat. I've left so many times but I keep returning because I feel sorry for him (he has several illnesses) and I know that he has been good to me long before the abuse started. I know I bring this hell on myself because I don't do what he wants me to. I'm afraid to leave once and for all because I'm afraid of what he will do like kill me if I get an oder of protection for him.

Like most abusers he is extremely intelligient, can cook and repair anything and he knows my every move. Any child would I continue to do the same thing over and over. I say the same things constantly but I expect different results. I've been so conditioned that I don't think I could survive by myself. Like a caged animal, I escape from the cage only to return to the same hell or worse.

I pray for deliverance, courage and wisdom but I'm still there. Sure the shelters are a good thing, I just don't stay long enough without some crisis happening to him and I return to the hell. My siblings don't want to be bothered because they can't understand why I keep going back to the same s---.

It is so hard to care about someone who has beaten you so bad that you can't put your head on a pillow and it hurts to walk because your legs and knees throb. He tells me that I'm the cause for his illnesses too much stress. I can't do anything right, nothing is good enough for him. I can't even dress myself without critisim. I have time limits on everything. My life is hell at best. When it's worse I want to die just to escape.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jesluv33
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 1:27pm

leave the guy, work on getting you back.
forget about him

>>I feel sorry for him (he has several illnesses)<<

>>He tells me that I'm the cause for his illnesses too much stress.<<

if you leave him, then he can't complain

>>Like most abusers he is extremely intelligient, can cook and repair anything<<

sounds like he can take care of himself

>>It is so hard to care about someone who has beaten you so bad that you can't put your head on a pillow and it hurts to walk because your legs and knees throb.<<

>>I've been beaten with many objects the latest being a hammer and a bat.<<

file a police report and charge him, you don't have to live like this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
In reply to: jesluv33
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 1:42pm
all i can say is get the hell out file the order and start calling the cops, all you have to do is dial 911 let it ring then hang up and when they call back dont answer and they will send officers right away, i had to do that the other night and they took him to jail right there. you arent to blame for his illnesses thats on god not you. GET OUT NOW before he kills you. do you have any kids? if so you got to get out for them to, hell your siblings should be a reason to want out to, thats what i thought about when i got out og my first marriage, my 2 kids and my sister was pregnant with my nephew and i wanted to be alive to see him and be the best aunt that i know how to be, im glad that i did cuz now i have a total of 3 nephews and i love them dearly and wouldnt change my mind about anything, my son turned 5 today and my daughter will be 7 next month and if i would have stayed in that marriage i wouldnt be here to see my kids grow up. you need to get out and do things to make your self feel better about your self. i went back to college when i left my first husband cuz he wouldnt let me go to school and i always wanted to and now im almost done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
In reply to: jesluv33
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:00pm

Welcome to the board jesluv33 :o)


Yes, you are at the right board.. so post as much as you need to okay.


Everything you descirbed is abuse. It is NOT your fault... He is abusive, period! You do not bring the hell on yourself... he is the one bringing the hell... He is making the excuse that he has several illnesses to get away from the fact that he is abusive. That is not an excuse. Nothing is an excuse for abuse!


"I know I bring this hell on myself because I don't do what he wants me to."*** You don't do what he wants you to do... what happened to what you wanted to do? He is controlling you and when he doesn't get what he wants, he hurts you repeatidly! It is not your fault for this happening okay. It might take awhile for it to sink in.


"My siblings don't want to be bothered because they can't understand why I keep going back to the same s---." *** Your siblings don't understand, because they have never been in your shoes. They can't judge, because they haven't been there.. they have no clue what you are going through! I went through that with my family when I was with my abuser... my family just didn't get it... but us on the board do understand okay. We are always here. You might feel like you are so alone at times, but come to the board and you will see that you are far from alone.


http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
In reply to: jesluv33
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 4:00pm

Thanks so much.

I was able to read this info on the site. I suspected that I was being brainwashed. Whatever he said he would do, he did.

I have no rights as long as I'm with him. Leaving is the only answer. I keep telling myself I will get through this. I have support and I can make it.

God Bless

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: jesluv33
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 9:52pm

In the front of your phone book, is there a # for a domestic violence hotline? Cause those people are wonderful! In my book it's right near all other emergency #'s. I've found that they're so helpful even if all you have is questions about how to handle situations that arise or could.

You can make it, you do have support! Keep reading and posting. We're here to listen, we've been there, we're doing it. All the best to you! hope to keep hearing from you!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
In reply to: jesluv33
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 4:28pm

If you need to, read the site over and over again. Read the 100 days after leaving an abusive relationship.. I don't know if you can get any books on abuse.. I guess you could go to the library and read some there if you have time? Just to open up and read away...


I'm so happy that you are so positive and that you can make it and get through this. That is the best mind set to have and you are on the right track!


Please keep us updated okay.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jesluv33
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 6:58pm

Well. You sometimes feel like you want to die to escape? Not so unusual, unfortunately.

Let me help you with a few ever-increasing statistics:

A woman leaves her abuser on an average of 7 times before she 1) leaves for good or 2) he kills her. So hang out.

The largest source of debilitating head injury in women is domestic violence. A very distant second is automobile accidents.

Dearheart, you only think you can't leave because he's told you that. You going back gives him ammunition to throw at you.

What makes you think he needs help? Why do you feel sorry for him? Sure, he's a pathetic, insecure, bully, but what would you tell THAT child? Ironically, this kind of a relationship is almost like a substance abuse. He needs you to beat, you are so conditioned that you essentially let him. No, I don't mean you invite it or you deserve it, but staying, not calling the police, and not reporting him at the hospital? Add in returning? That is permission.

I hope you understand that you will never, ever, do what he wants you to, because it will never be just right. He will never, ever be satisfied and whatever you do will never be enough. He will always find fault and a reason to blame you for his actions.

I can hear inside your head, right now. I can hear the "yeah, but..." going on. There is no "but." You'll find a reason to stay until, well, the first statistic.

Everyone here can be a support system. You're not as alone as you think. Try just picking up the phone to talk to someone. There is no obligation and no one is going to come charging into your home. Ummm... if he checks your phone calls, make certain you dial 0 after you hang up with your call. Then if he *69s it, it'll show the operator. The most dangerous time for a victim, other when announcing a pregnancy, is when the thoughts of escape start to run through a victim's head. They have a 6th sense about that.

Keep posting. Keep reading. Fear the statistics.

C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: jesluv33
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 7:24pm

Jes, you have definitely come to the right place.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
In reply to: jesluv33
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:33am
Carrie,
Thanks so much for the info. I know the numbers. I've called several times. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
In reply to: jesluv33
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:58am

Astarseeker,
I've left 4 times 7 and I'm still a dummy, still there. But I know one day, soon there will be no coming back. I asked myself why should I feel sorry for him. I hate seeing anyone in pain and hurting. I do believe God is punishing him for all the pain he has caused me.

Bully, no a person who wants revenge at any cost and to be in control, that's him. His life is hell and he makes mine hell. I hate that I feel so much hatred, that it's hard to be nice to others. I try to be nice to him so the violence won't continue and it's hard. I can't relax. I want to escape or just go to sleep all the time.

I'm so glad for this board, at least I can express myself without being called a dirty b----h. I'm just me, trying to survive.

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