Please dont be TOO harsh ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Please dont be TOO harsh ....
12
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 9:21am

I didnt want to write this ...told myself I wouldnt ...I feel like such an idiot ...but I have to talk to someone about it ...
I went out to dinner with him Friday night ....I was bored ...things were going ok between us ...so I said what the heck ....we had a great time ...abd then afterwards we went to a friends house ..had a few drinks ...laughed.. talked ...he ended up spending the night ...Saturday ..same thing ...we had a great day ...took the kids out to the park ...we went out together saturday night ...we really enjoyed eachother.Thats is what I ahve missed ,the good times we had together ....

SO>>>>> I let him come back home .Hes on my "probation"...of course ,he promises that things have changed ..blah blah blah...

he says that he wants me to stop posting here ..bc you all have me brainwashed (LOL) and that as long as things are over with the other man ,then there will neer be any more abuse ,at all.
and I will say that bf him ,there was not much that you could really call abuse...just obsessive possessivness,he got drunk and hit the wall a few times ..(which he always had me believing it was bc he loved me so much )
and that when he found out I had been seeing someone else ..the jealousy took him over nad he became abusive ...he still tells me that "its not your fault that I was abusive ,BUT if you hadnt cheated it wouldnt have happened " he tells me "all the times that Igrilled you about seeing someone else etc..YOU WERE !!! So I was right !!!"

So I dont really know what else to say ...I am trying to love him ...I am hoping he will change ...but I dont know how well I can fight accusations that arent true ...

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:13am

Well, I think you know deep down that this was a bad idea, or you wouldn't have titled your thread the way you did. However, you're far from alone in feeling the way you do; I have seen studies that show that it takes most women an average of ten-ish times before they finally leave their abuser for good. So, you can't be the only one who ever goes through this.

Frankly, I wish he was right and we were brainwashing you, because that would mean we were wrong, and this is one topic on which I wish I could be wrong. Look at what he is saying; he is not accepting responsibility for his actions, but still trying to blame them on you. If he were sincere, why would you HAVE to be fighting accusations that weren't true? "Obsessive possessiveness" is just the precursor to abuse, as I think you know.

Finally, you have to look at the statistics. It isn't *impossible* for abusers to change, in the sense that it isn't *impossible* for me to get struck by lightning or win the lottery. In the ten years of this board, there has been exactly *one* abuser who changed permanently, out of the thousands whose victims have posted here. I also met a lady on a non-iVillage board whose abuser had changed. In both cases, the abuser had accepted responsibility for his actions (not happening with your H), gone through extensive counseling (if this has happened, we haven't heard about it) and not been allowed to come back home until all of this was completed. You are a grown woman and entitled to make your own decisions, but I hope for you to do it with all the evidence present.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:33am

He called me a little while ago ...says he doesnt want me on teh internet ...bc he is afraid I will write to the other man ...and he keeps asking if he has called ...I tell him he has not ...but he is SO paranoid about it .

I guess one of the reasons that I am listening to it is bc he does have the right to be suspicious ,jealous ..bc I DID have a relationship with someone else ...someone else who TRULY loves me ...and who I TRULY love ..still..and my =husband knows it ...and he says that it eats away at him constantly that I am in love with another man ...I can imagine how that feels ..but its not something that I can help.

He hasnt had anything to drink in a few days (he drank EVERYDAY before) and he is back at work (he hadnt been in a LONG time ...only a few days a week for months)

He did go to the therapist (as a tactic) a few weeks ago ...but yesterday went to regular doctor ,and he put him on Ativan for anxiety.And also told him to stop drinking .

He asked me to close my AOL account ( I told him I did ,but I really didnt )bc I think thats stupid ,he also wanted me to change the phone number ,and I am not going to do that either ...anyhow.I told him I deleted my AOL screen name and he keeps sending me emails from his cell phone ,designed to make me email he right back real quick without thinking ,so he can catch me...For instance he writes " I have cancer cells ,and the doc is putting me in the hospital for more tests"..or he will tell me " F*%K OFF ,I knew you were lying ,I knew you hadnt closed your account ,what happened to honesty????"

of course I dont reply...like he is trying to get me to do .But it just seems a little crazy to me ,that he is doing that .

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:34pm

I'm no one to judge. I went back to my abuser several times before I figured out that things were not going to change. And each of us much reach our own bottom....our own point of the "last time was the last time", and this is as bad as it will get. I'm done.

Keep your safety plan handy. Keep your plan of escape handy. Please Stay safe.

Unfortunately, there are sooo many signs that nothing has changed. If he's asking you to close your AOL account and change your phone number...then sending "trick" messages to "catch you." That says he is still trying to control you, and he is not being honest or open. In a normal relationship, you should NOT have to play that game of trying not to fall for his tricks. Normal relationships are honest. If he's taken you back then he needs to forgive you for talking to another man. If you say you will not do it again, he needs to either believe you or leave you. Not play games and try to catch you. If you cannot be honest with each other than you are not in a healthy relationship. And you deserve a healthy relationship not a relationship bases on manipulation, control, possessiveness.

sorry, I don't mean to preach. I've just been through it over and over again. I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like, and then, I thought there was something I could do to make my relationship healthy. If you haven't already, get the book "Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I learned so much after reading this book. And even if you do stay, it will help you respond to his controlling behavior or hurtful ways.

Above all listen to your gut. and keep posting here. We've all been there. And we love you. We are here to help and NOT to judge.

Love,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 1:41pm

No, he doesn't have a "right to be" anything. If this is so truly upsetting to him and he can't handle it, he needs to leave, not try to control your every action. And that's what he is trying to do.

If you're not ready to leave, then you're not. Everyone has their own timetable, and it doesn't make you a horrible person if you're just not ready to leave yet. But, do realize that the controlling behavior is not going to change, because he is who he is, and staying with him will mean being subjected to it for the rest of your life. You have to decide if that is something you can live with or not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:22pm

I asked him to go to batter intervention program ...he said " I am not going to degrade and embarrass myself like that ."

he said he would go to a shrink and get help that way IF I would get rid of my computer and stay off the internet ( I met the other man on the internet ) (and yall are "brainwashing" me )

He says that if I put stipulations on him staying here ,then he can put stipulations on me as well...althoguh he had already told me to stay off the internet ...

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 3:07pm
What do YOU want to do? How are you feeling about his demands/"stipulations"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 3:12pm
I think that he wants me to stay off the internet bc he is jealous and he cant trust me and he doesnt want me to talk to you guys...which I NEED to do .he says dont listen to them listen to me .
I am scared that I a making a big mistake here .we started over (again today) and I told him theis was the absolute last straw..one more control tactic.manipulative thing that he says or does..one more calling me a vulgarity.Im out ,and I will NOT go back.He says fine ,I will prove it to you ,that I can change .I guess we will see

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 6:17pm

We all understand, we have been there. I did what you are doing for 30 years. Once I gave it a name in 1998, domestic abuse, there was no turning back. It took me six years with a restraining order to finally get away. I had to move to another state to get free, so to speak. I am starting over at 59 and only hope that I can help others not to do what I did. I went through it all and got out with my life. What matters more than anything is children involved in this. They deserve better and that means taking care of their mother. Take care of yourself, you are not alone,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 12:06am

Love, know this.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 12:33am
What message do you get from his behavior? Do these sound like the actions of a man who truly wants to change?
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