Please give me advice....
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Please give me advice....
| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 9:31am |
Good morning everyone. I'll try to make this as brief as I can. I've been with my husband for almost 12 years. We have 2 children, 9 and 18 months. Right now, I have my second restraining order in effect because of the constant fighting/ pushing, shoving, grabbing etc.

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I feel for you. It's been just a little over four years since I left my abusive XH.
I read all that you shared so here's my advice:
1. Leave the RO intact. Do NOT withdraw it. Recognize that life is going to be hard without him, but it will be worse WITH him. Your children deserve to be in a loving home that's free from abuse. He has shown and proven to you that you CANNOT have that kind of environment with him, so you must take the steps NOW to have it WITHOUT him.
2. Get a good divorce atty. -- preferably one who is experienced with DV issues, and who will fight for your rights and see to it that you get alimony and child support. If he's been spending money on porn and nudie bars, it's time for those dollars to be redirected to caring for you and the kids.
3. Don't tell him you're leaving (it's one of the worst things the partner of an abuser can do. He will do everything possible to talk you out of it and if he succeeds, he'll redouble his efforts to keep you under his control so that you never get the courage to leave him -- EVER). If your father is willing to open his home to you for the time being that might be helpful. However, since he abused your mother, it might be better if you could stay with another trusted friend or family member who won't divulge your whereabouts.
Lastly, if he is facing jail time, let the legal system run its course. It may buy you the necessary time to work everything out with the divorce without having to deal with him breathing down your neck.
Just my two pesos....
All the best,
~H
I know you feel lost right now, and I understand. Trust me though, this board has been so helpful and supportive for me, and I'm glad you're here for support!
I can't tell you what to do w/ the order. I want to thankyou for your post though, b/c I currently have an order that H is pressuring me to drop, and even throwing threats out there re the kids (custody). You having your 2nd order is a reminder to me that I would end up w/ another in time. How old is your order?
How confusing for you, that your father is asking you to choose? You have enough chaos in your life, nevermind choosing loved ones! I'm really sorry he doesn't understand what you need right now. Keep posting!
Take care, lots of hugs for you!
Carrie
Heathers7420,
I strongly agree with the 2nd post... stating:
"
Totally, totally agree.
We're all here for you! I'm SO sorry he did that to you! No matter what any of us look like, weigh, education, not any darn thing means we deserve to be abused!
You can always vent here! I'm feeling really bad about your comment about your weight. I worried about mine too, for awhile. H complained about my size while my family worried about my health cause they thought I was too thin.
It sounds like you're really hurt by your friend having him over w/ the kids. I would be. Do you have any other family members you could call? I'm sorry about the situation w/ your father, it doesn't sound like he'd listen much. You can post as much as you like! Have you ever called the 800 DV line? They're SO helpful! Please post soon!
Carrie
Please don't believe his words. Believe his actions. If he really "changed" he would "get" why you're apart and encourage you to heal and not push you. He's only changing his ways to keep you under his control...brute force, and now you feel sorry for him and he's appealing to your "soft" side. Why do you think your dad is so upset? He gets it about this guy.
Please don't continue this cycle of abuse for you and kids by taking him back. It's excrutiating but necessary to let him go. Get support, go to a group, Al-Anon, a DV support group. Protect you and kids. He doesn't love you, he doesn't want to face the consequences and he'll say ANYTHING to get you back.
He broke your nose! This man could kill you. The violence always escalates. Your kids see this.
You deserve love and care. Begin by removing yourself from this toxic person. Keep posting...lots of hugs,
Beth
Thanks again, everyone. I have court in the am tomorrow for the final restraining order. He's begging and pleading...."things will
I'll keep you in my prayers and blessings. Hang in there. You are wise to post that pic as a reminder of what you don't want. He's trying to intimidate and frighten you where it's the scariest-kids and home....hang in there!!!!
Keep posting-
Beth
This is bigger than anything you can handle yourself. Please get professional help and break the cycle. If you can't do it for yourself, PLEASE do it for your kids. They don't have anyone else, and they deserve better.
Carrie
www.carriesyellowlist.com
Carrie
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