Please give me advice....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Please give me advice....
18
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 9:31am
Good morning everyone. I'll try to make this as brief as I can. I've been with my husband for almost 12 years. We have 2 children, 9 and 18 months. Right now, I have my second restraining order in effect because of the constant fighting/ pushing, shoving, grabbing etc.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:40pm

I feel for you. It's been just a little over four years since I left my abusive XH.

I read all that you shared so here's my advice:

1. Leave the RO intact. Do NOT withdraw it. Recognize that life is going to be hard without him, but it will be worse WITH him. Your children deserve to be in a loving home that's free from abuse. He has shown and proven to you that you CANNOT have that kind of environment with him, so you must take the steps NOW to have it WITHOUT him.

2. Get a good divorce atty. -- preferably one who is experienced with DV issues, and who will fight for your rights and see to it that you get alimony and child support. If he's been spending money on porn and nudie bars, it's time for those dollars to be redirected to caring for you and the kids.

3. Don't tell him you're leaving (it's one of the worst things the partner of an abuser can do. He will do everything possible to talk you out of it and if he succeeds, he'll redouble his efforts to keep you under his control so that you never get the courage to leave him -- EVER). If your father is willing to open his home to you for the time being that might be helpful. However, since he abused your mother, it might be better if you could stay with another trusted friend or family member who won't divulge your whereabouts.

Lastly, if he is facing jail time, let the legal system run its course. It may buy you the necessary time to work everything out with the divorce without having to deal with him breathing down your neck.

Just my two pesos....

All the best,
~H

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 4:14pm

I know you feel lost right now, and I understand. Trust me though, this board has been so helpful and supportive for me, and I'm glad you're here for support!

I can't tell you what to do w/ the order. I want to thankyou for your post though, b/c I currently have an order that H is pressuring me to drop, and even throwing threats out there re the kids (custody). You having your 2nd order is a reminder to me that I would end up w/ another in time. How old is your order?

How confusing for you, that your father is asking you to choose? You have enough chaos in your life, nevermind choosing loved ones! I'm really sorry he doesn't understand what you need right now. Keep posting!

Take care, lots of hugs for you!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 5:15pm

Heathers7420,


I strongly agree with the 2nd post... stating:


"

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:00pm
Thank you all for your advice and support. Tonight's the first night in I don't know how long, that I'm alone in our house. I talked to him. Didn't last long we bickered and it ended w/ him threatening to call my father and tell him he spoke w/ me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 9:59pm

Totally, totally agree.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 3:31am

We're all here for you! I'm SO sorry he did that to you! No matter what any of us look like, weigh, education, not any darn thing means we deserve to be abused!

You can always vent here! I'm feeling really bad about your comment about your weight. I worried about mine too, for awhile. H complained about my size while my family worried about my health cause they thought I was too thin.

It sounds like you're really hurt by your friend having him over w/ the kids. I would be. Do you have any other family members you could call? I'm sorry about the situation w/ your father, it doesn't sound like he'd listen much. You can post as much as you like! Have you ever called the 800 DV line? They're SO helpful! Please post soon!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 10:42pm

Please don't believe his words. Believe his actions. If he really "changed" he would "get" why you're apart and encourage you to heal and not push you. He's only changing his ways to keep you under his control...brute force, and now you feel sorry for him and he's appealing to your "soft" side. Why do you think your dad is so upset? He gets it about this guy.

Please don't continue this cycle of abuse for you and kids by taking him back. It's excrutiating but necessary to let him go. Get support, go to a group, Al-Anon, a DV support group. Protect you and kids. He doesn't love you, he doesn't want to face the consequences and he'll say ANYTHING to get you back.

He broke your nose! This man could kill you. The violence always escalates. Your kids see this.

You deserve love and care. Begin by removing yourself from this toxic person. Keep posting...lots of hugs,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:53pm

Thanks again, everyone. I have court in the am tomorrow for the final restraining order. He's begging and pleading...."things will

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 9:19am

I'll keep you in my prayers and blessings. Hang in there. You are wise to post that pic as a reminder of what you don't want. He's trying to intimidate and frighten you where it's the scariest-kids and home....hang in there!!!!

Keep posting-
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 8:31pm
First of all, these days once you have someone arrested, it's not up to you to drop any charges. It's up to the judge. Having the injuries you described, I doubt any judge will just say "OK, we'll just drop the charges" NOT. This is a good thing, because it takes the blame off you for "getting him into trouble" which is, I'm sure, the way he sees it. The blame is squarely where it belongs- in HIS lap. OK- here's the tough part to hear. YOU need counseling. Look at the big picture. You grew up in a home with domestic violence. You grew up to find a relationship with an abusive man because that is what you are used to. Your 9 year old is already accepting of this abusive situation, and is embracing it. You are so entranced by your abuser that you can't bring yourself to stay away- even though you obviously know better or you wouldn't be seeking advice here. What do you think of your father? What do you think of your mother? What do you want your kids to think of you?............
This is bigger than anything you can handle yourself. Please get professional help and break the cycle. If you can't do it for yourself, PLEASE do it for your kids. They don't have anyone else, and they deserve better.
Carrie
www.carriesyellowlist.com

                 Carrie

Pages