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Please Help
| Sun, 04-16-2006 - 4:25pm |
I'm new to this board and have just begun realizing the relationship I'm in may not be normal. I've been with my fiance for a while now, we have a four month little boy. Things are great, he treats me so well, we laugh, we talk, we argue about dishes or trash on occasion and we resolve it. For the most part, I'm the one with the control in the relationship, I'm the one who works, I dictate what we have for dinner, how the house looks, what we spend money on, etc. However, on a few occasions, things have been very different. As of two nights ago, my brother has been telling me my fiance is going to become abusive, my fiance even had to leave the house because my brother was so mad at him. (My brother lives with us.) You see, two nights ago, me and my fiance got in a stupid fight that I started over something petty. As a result, I told him to go downstairs (we were in bed) and that I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him. He refused, so I got up to go downstairs. However, before I could get out of bed, my fiance had me trapped, holding down my forearms and sitting on top of me so I couldn't leave. He was screaming at me, telling me I was crazy and why do I always do this stuff. I finally wrestled free and shoved my engagement ring in his mouth to get him to stop yelling. He spit it at me and then stormed off. Later on that night, I'm awake breastfeeding my son. We resume the fight, I get angry but am being rational, but my fiance starts saying really hurtful things loudly. I asked him not to do this while I was breastfeeding cuz I didn't want to upset the baby. He got even louder so I slapped him. He flew up slammed a pillow down on both me and the baby and stormed off screaming at the top of his lungs. My brother heard all of this. In addition, I told my brother about past times where this same behavior has happened. One that sticks the strongest in my mind was when i was seven months pregnant and we were arguing. I got mad and wanted to leave the house. But I couldn't, he wouldn't let me, it took me more than 20 minutes for me to finally get him to let me leave. This included wrestling, running to the other door, threatening to call the cops, crying on the floor, nothing worked until I finally just bit him. Now in both of these times, he tried to say I was abusive because of the bite/slap when I tried to talk to him about his behavior. But I know my responses are all defensive actions. I don't know if my brother is right because my fiance just doesn't fit the normal billet of an abusive personality, but are these warning signs that he will be? Also, when he punishes our puppy, he is extra aggressive. I've had to point it out to him as well. With my brother's little girl, he gets short with her quickly when she annoys him. And even with the baby when he can't be consoled and my fiance is getting frustrated, he will exclaim sharply in the negative. I just dont' know, can you help me? Has anyone been witness to this behavior leading to abusive behavior?? Please help, I'm so confused.

My advice? Look at his behaviors & ask yourself "Can i live with this if ... WHEN, b/c it will ... it gets worse?"
You are legally NOT tied by marraige. PLEASE dont marry him, take it from me - its SO much harder to get out of. Educate yourself on DV, for your childs sake. If not your own. R~
Hi Kilikina,
I'm sorry to say that is all abusive behavior you are dealing with now, and unfortunately it does get worse.
Right now it isn't minor but not severe, but it will escalate if you don't get out of there. Especially when he is physical with you and blaming you for being abusive. That is a tell tale sign of an abusive person...projecting onto someone else.
This could escalate into a very dangerous situation. I would really recommend either getting this sorted out immediately with him going to counseling, etc but you should inform him that even one more move and you are gone...and mean it.
Keep posting.