Please Help: Is He Abusive? Should I Go
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| Fri, 03-17-2006 - 8:31pm |
I've been married to "Bob" for three years and we've been dating for five and a half. From the outside, we look like the perfect couple. We're well educated, have great careers, enough money. And yet, I hate how he treats me. I'm writing tonight because I'm at my wits end. Tonight, he started screaching at me and swearing and me, and I don't see how I could have possibly avoided it.
He's applying for a membership in an organization that really cares about your character and ethics. After he sent off his application tonight, I just asked how he had decided to handle something that was a big problem recently. I "assumed" that he disclosed it to the organization. He blew up at me, swore at me, called me a B, told me to F off, and said it was just like me to "assume" things now that it was too late for him to do anything about it. We were in the car. Bob was driving. He got so mad that the car was swerving around. Bob kept hitting the steering wheel so hard I thought it was going to break off. I just sat there silently. Everytime we fight in the car, he always ends up smacking me. It's not terribly hard, but it hurts and it makes me feel so degraded. We got home and he refused to talk to me. He just stormed out of the house now, and I have no idea where he's going. I really didn't mean to do anything wrong.
On Tuesday morning, I was trying to get ready for work. He had cleaned up our place over the weekend and had put all my work clothes in with dirty laundry. My nice work clothes were wrinkled and filthy. I started crying, because I had nothing to wear and he'll never let me buy new clothes. I was crying and I asked him why he would do that. He blew up, and started restraining me. Whenever he doesn't like what I'm saying, he'll cover up my mouth so I can't talk, or he'll hold my wrists and hold me down. My legs are still covered with bruises from trying to fight back. I didn't go to work on Tuesday and I never told them why. I just sat in my room sobbing, wondering how I married a man who treats me like this.
I admit I have a really bad temper and I can be mean. But I really can't remember doing some of the things he's done to me. For instance, when we were still dating, I arranged a surprise birthday party for him. He was angry that night because I let his friends make him drink too much. In addition to yelling at me and calling me names, he spit on me, bit me, broke my chair, ripped my shower curtain rod out of the wall, and pushed me. Another time, I was really late to a concert because I was 60 miles away at work. When I came to the concert with my friends, he wouldn't even talk to me. He called me a B, pushed me, shoved me, and spent the whole night telling me how disgusted he was by me.
What kills me is that every time, right after the incident, he'll be wonderful and so kind to me. But it seems like the incidents are getting closer and closer together. For instance, Tuesday and Friday. And he even said the other day, "How come I can love you so much and hate you so much at the same time?"
Please help me! I really can be a mean, emotionally unstable person, I know. So how much of this is what I deserve and how much of this is just him? What do I do? Please help me. I used to be so confident and accomplished. Now I'm 30 lbs fatter, I have no friends in the state (all my college friends live elsewhere), and I'm a total hermit. I have no idea how my life got so out of control. What's more, I'm terrified of the thought of having children with someone like this. Please help me.

Yes, this is abuse. It is not acceptable to treat one's partner as he is treating you.
One thing I would like to point out. You keep calling yourself "mean and unstable". Is this, by any chance, something he has told you? If so, consider the source. It is not "mean" to react when being pushed. I.e. he calls you fat one too many times and you snap at him. That is human, and very different from berating someone for no reason, as he is doing. If he is like most abusers, he would probably very much like for you to think that you are unstable and unreasonable. The fact is, he is the one who is those things.
To learn more, check out our website, accessible through the "Learn more about this community" link. You will find that you're not alone, and that he is not treating you appropriately. You'll also find resources to help you decide what you would like to do about it. And definitely keep reading and posting!
Honey, I'm so glad you found us.
Thank you for your kindness. We talked on Friday night when he came home and he still maintains that it's my fault that he acts like this. If I didn't provoke him, he wouldn't be like this. If I didn't get mad, he wouldn't act like this. Even after our conversation, the next morning, he pushed me when it looked like we were going to be late for an appointment, and he refused to drive with me or look at me.
But now we're back in the nice phase. I have so many questions. How do you find the strength to leave? What do you do when you realize there's a problem? Go straight for a divorce or try time apart? What should I counsel him to do? I feel so lost and confused. Nobody knows about this either, other than you guys. I can't really go to my parents, because they are very conservative and religious. I couldn't stand living with them. All of my friends live hundreds of miles away. Thanks for your help.
Wow, it is crazy to think that someone else is in the same exact shoes that I was in a couple years back. I was with my live-in-boyfriend for over two years, and they were the best and horrible years of my life. He started with verbal abuse, blaming things on me that were not my fault. Putting me down and my family. How I was a slu*, whor*, and how I let people use me. He broke me down emotionally to where I had very little self-esteem. Everyone on the outside thought things were okay, we seemed like the perfect happy couple. Then he started pushing me and punching me in my arms during heated arguments. Then one night after he was drinking, he got mad at me and threw his head down to bust my nose with his head. (We were now living apart by the grace of god, he got a different job.) He made me stay at his house and act like nothing happened. Needless to say it was my opportunity out, I went home (he still had access to our previous residence) grabbed my belongings, left work for about a week and went where he couldn't find me. I talked to him on the phone and ended things. This is a condensed version...
Hun, things will only get worse. It is amazing on how much we can love the same person who brings us so much pain, emotionally for physically. I can gaurantee you that if your family knew what was going on, they would want you out of the relationship as much as us women who read your post. Sometimes the right things to do, are the hardest things to do. It is very scary though, dealing with men like this. They bank on the fact that we are too weak to leave. You have the ultimate control on how you want to live your life. He can only do things that you allow. And trust me, I know first hand that it is not easy. Thing long and hard about what you want long term. Know your self-worth...regardless of how much weight you gain, how hard it is to live with parents, etc. Those kinds of things can be dealt with, but no one should be broken down emotionally. How you leave the situation, you may need help with. But no one can help you if you are not ready for the help. It is a hard situation, but know that you are not alone.
Niomi and Ryan