PLEASE help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
PLEASE help me
10
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 4:13pm

I'm trying very hard to get out of my relationship completely. Long story short- physical violence, put him in jail- put him in jail again- keep falling for 'Im going to change' and although no longer physical, EXTREME emotional abuse- you think of it, I've been called it or accused of it. So anyhow, I haven't seen him in a about a month, but there is still phone contact and I know to heal it has to completely stop. He's laying the guilt on me because NOW he's going to counseling for DV and I can't give him one more chance to change?

His last message said he will leave me alone, but he is always there for me. He thinks I'm making a mistake, because he is going to be a great person. I'm his true love. And goes on to say he can't imagine his life w/o me, makes him sick to think of someone else being w/ me one day. His body. And he hopes he never sees me w/ anyone, even if it is 50 years from now....

I have been sobbing forever. Like I want to call. I can't take much more. Why I've allowed someone who has done nothing but suck the ever lovin life out of me affect me this way, I'll never know. I have been trying to find stats on these guys actually changing. I need something to hold onto to back up myself to stay strong. **I know I'm right, I know I've given countless chances, I know I've done everything possible and have been put through hell** I know all this, but then I don't?? Make sense? I just hurt and I'm exhausted. It's so hard. I'm not suicidal, but I could care if my heart let out. And that's a terrible thing for a mother of 2 awesome kids to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 4:39pm

I am amazed as I read you post ....are you sure we didnt marry the same guy? What you are going through is my life made over .my ex is going to a shrink , its a tactic,he told me that his doc said that I was abusive as well ...

"I cant stand the idea of you ever being with someone else , you are making a huge mistake , bc I am going to be such a great person , if you just give me one more chance ,and you have to live with wondering what could have been ."

"if you want me to leave you alone ,then I will (hasnt yet ) ...

"I cant imagine life without you ,there will never be anyone else like you ,I will never love again "

I also dealt with , and am still dealing with EXTREME emotional abuse , harassment ,stalking etc.but I have learned ,over the past few days actually ,just to ignore it ,and dont give in to it .if he knows it bothers me ,then he wins ,if I let it bother me , then he wins .
you ARE right ...stick to your guns ...I know its hard ,I have three small kids..and its a tough job.but you can do it . DONT LET HIM GET TO YOU .

Love

Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 4:41pm
I haven't experienced anything like what you're going through, but I have found that people almost never change. They might change on the surface, but they don't change fundamentally. It sounds like he has had plenty of chances.
I can only hope that he will leave you alone in time. Remember that you have the rest of your life ahead of you, and two great kids that you will have the joy of seeing grow up.
Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:42pm

Hi,

I went back to read your last couple posts so I know what you have been going thru. I am glad that you have not seen him for a month.. but there has still been phone contact. If you want to heal yourself, you need to cut your ties with him and there must be NO CONTACT!

That's good that he is going to counselling.. But him just going does not change anything. Did you know that only 1% of abusers change?? That is pretty damn low if you ask me. Even if he is going to counselling now, who knows how long it will last for... i'm sure eventually he will stop going and he will go back to his abusive ways. It will take months and years for you to see any changes, not days! You have gave him MANY chances for him to treat you great - but he took that for granted and now you are the bad guy. Totally switched it around, and doesn't take any responsibility.

He is saying all those things about you being with somebody else to make you feel guilty! I'm sure he will have another lady in his life in a few months, years, and she will be the one that will have to go thru all the abuse - NOT YOU.

I totally understand that you are having a very difficult time.. it is never easy. All breakups are hard, but unhealthy relationships that turn into breakups are worse than healthy relationship breakups.

Do not believe him when he says he will get better. Do not give him one more chance. He does not deserve someone like you. He sounds like he has a lot of problems, and a lot of issues that he has to deal with. Do not go back to him for your kids sake. They need to be in a healthy relationship with their mom and only mom.

Have you thought about going to see a counsellor yourself? It will really help you to talk with someone who specializes in abuse. I got this book called "It's my life now, starting over after an abusive relationship" It is a wonderful book and I suggest this book to you. It has really helped me a lot, and it's great because it is part workbook.

Please let us know how you are doing. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 6:53pm
it definitely sounds like you were married to a clone of my stbx...the whole ploy of acting all nice and like "you're making such a mistake cuz ill be such a great person" is well known amongst abusers...they want to make you think they have changed, or that you were rash in your decision because they dont want YOU to leave THEM...abusers thrive on control and the loss of control when they are "dumped" by you usually drives them to attempt to get you back through every ploy they can think of, so they can once again be in control of you...while its hard to say stay away, the best thing is no contact...it will give you time to work through everything and decide what is truly best for you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 5:35pm

I pretty much had a complete breakdown yesterday. Sobbed like I haven't in a long time. The one last thing I need to do is change my cell #. That really is his last piece of contact w/ me. Maybe next Friday. I say this because my kids go to their dad's and he might 'pop off' and I don't want them here. They don't know I've been dealing w/ this. Hardly anyone does. Most think I've been done w/ it since the first arrest. A double life is hard.

So the messages continue. Up and down. Pissed and apologetic. Oh, and the counseling. He left a message saying he walked out today (2nd session) because if I won't be w/ him, there is no sense. He was doing this to get me back. And now he wants to have sex just 'one more time' and he swears he'll leave me alone. We've been there. So sad to say he is the best sex I've ever had. Isn't that a shame.

I'm so happy to have found this haven. It really amazes me to read posts and feel like "I" wrote it. Didn't realize how alike the abusers really are. This helps strengthen me. I have been worn down to nothing. I don't think I even feel anything when I'm called a whore, etc. Another shame. I used to be a woman that would wire a jaw over something like that. However, there is still about 2% of me that feels I have something to prove..according to him, there MUST be someone else since I am done. I MUST not really love him if I can't give him one last chance. I MUST be tired of being faithful to one person. Anything and everything but the hell of him.

I started counseling last week. Not sure if I'll get comfortable w/ this therapist- but I'll give it a go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 6:21pm

Welcome to the board, hon.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 6:56pm

I'm glad you posted. Breakdowns are okay. In a way I like to think of it as you are releasing feelings about him and slowly you are gettng better. Whenever I have breakdowns, you just have to let it out - I also like to think that it's healthy to cry so I just let it out and out till I'm all done. I look like a mess after but i do feel better suprisingly.

In this book that I have called "It's my life now, starting over..." there is a great excersise in there. You write a letter to your X and you say everything in that letter what you would want to tell them. You say everything that you have ever wanted to... you do not send the letter to him at all. But you get all of your feelings on paper and it really helps - well it helped me a lot. It really opened my eyes to what kind of problems I was going thru. I cried over and over when I was writing the letter... but it helped.

If I understand completley... You want to change your cell # but what if your X wants to speak with the kids and can't get a hold of anyone? What kind of child visitaion rights does he have? will that cause more problems in the end... i hope not for your sake.

It's great that you have came to this board and posted... you said that nobody really knows what you have been going thru. That must be so difficult. I'm glad you started counselling again - that will really help you speaking with somebody in person.

DO NOT have sex with him. I totally understand how difficult it will be to say no. But this is another way of him to try and win you back.....Unfortunatley, in my situation, I didn't say no. I went thru with it saying that oh well it's just sex. It ended up being a mistake, that I knew I shouldn't have gone thru with it, but I did. But mistakes are only learning experiences in the end.... It was the best sex for me too! It is odd - I've been reading a lot about abusers being great in the sack!!! It's unfortunate.

With me I was called a B**ch, c*nt, w**re, over and over... and you know what, pretty soon I just ignored it. There was nothing that I could say to make him take those words back. And even if I did say something, it would probably just start a fight, so I never bothered. I found the worst was when he would tell me to F-Off. I don't know why that hurt so much, but it did.

Him saying that you must not really love him if you can't give him another chance in a crock of sh*t. It's just another way of him to make you feel guilty and to run back to him. All abusers play the card that there is someone else that you are involved with or you are sleeping with someone else. It drove me nuts!! They won't believe you anyways, so why do they even ask. Like do you really think I could get involved with someone so fast after being with you? I really just need some time alone to figure out myself since I lost myself when I was with you.

Post however much you want. There are a lot of people that are here to listen and to give advice. There is also the Dealing with Domestic Abuse - New Beginnings that also has some great people on there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 10:50pm

The support is wonderful. Now the messages are onto Who are you F*CKIN WH*RE. I know you have someone, that is why you won't see me. If I ever see you with another dude, I'll bust both your faces open. What a fun night. Oh, and he also through out there a woman's name that he is going to hook up w/...after all, he is a man and has needs and I'm not meeting them.

As for my kids- I'm luckier than most- as my kids are not his.

One thing, in the messed up system, the mother of his children gave up her rights..so he has his 2 boys. I have that hanging over my head. I want so bad to call the police and catch him on a No Contact and the terroristic threatening..HATE that I care about his kids. Quite honestly, they'd be better off than anyone but him.

I do need to change the cell. But next weekend, when the kids are away. HOwever, in order to get a response from 911, I guess I'll just call and scream and drop the phone. Otherwise, I look forward to waiting for hours. Perhaps the scream and drop tactic will work.

He is super duper prick this evening- elevated by drinking..so I am on edge about him losing all sense and coming here when my kids are. He is so elevated w/ the threats right now. And in front of the kids I remain calm and lalala and I'm getting calls w/ how he is going to burn my hair next weekend, etc. I've given him so many damn chances. Like we all have. Physically, monetarily he has screwed me and the worst is EMOTIONALLY. I wish he'd go out and do something stupid and get arrested. Then it wouldn't be on my shoulders. I know don't deserve any of this, but I feel like I let it happen by allowing the cycle to continue. So I'm trying to handle it alone. but i have my new board friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 12:58am

If you INSIST on thinking he MAY change - what is 1 year out of your life? Give youreself ONE year or no contact ... go on with YOUR life ... & let HIM go on with HIS. If he is truly changing, you will see it in his giving you space. & in his respecting yoru wishes.


I bet a million $ that it wont last 2 weeks, & I pray you see it for what it is. Stay strong. You deserve much MUCH more. R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:45am
I know it's hard. The best thing you can do is keep on doing what you're doing and not respond. Abusive/codependent relationships can be almost like an addiction, and like any other addiction, you just have to stay strong and keep away from it. Counseling might be good, also.
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