PLEASE HELP ME

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
PLEASE HELP ME
8
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 9:15pm
I don't know where to turn. My boyfriend promised to get help after my sister called the police on him a few weeks ago. We were referred by the police to a hotline number and he was referred to a particular therapist by the hotline number. This therapist is supposed to be a abuse specialist therapist. After the first session, he started twisting the stuff around on me, about how I am controlling him and whatnot. After the second session, it was even worse. Armed with his new knowledge, he had point after point of how I was "mistreating him." The therapist told me I wasn't supposed to bring up things that my bf has done to me, for whatever reason, and I have to live in "the now" and always be considerate of my bf. Anyway, last night, my bf assaulted me while I was in my car. He almost broke my car windows and kept pounding on my car so that I almost ran over his foot when I was trying to get away. Then he got mad at me when I texted him that I was going out for a bit with my sister and cousin, because I told him I was staying in. Actually, originally, we all four had plans to go out together, but my bf told me he couldn't make it because he was embarrassed. I was honestly moping at home for a bit, but then the girls convinced me to go out for a little while, because we were all in costume. He said, fine, he was going out, too... that was the last I heard from him, because after that he ignored all my texts and phone calls. I was so upset.... crying and everything... my sister and cousin convinced me to shut off my phone and messenger programs so I could get some rest for a night. I did until he showed up at 3:30 in the morning, throwing quarters or rocks or God-knows-what at my window and calling my name. I was so scared... my heart starting racing and I got sick to my stomach. I knew he wouldn't let up until I either called him or called the police. So I texted him to go home. He pleaded, but eventually agreed to it. ANYWAY, today, he went to the therapy session on his own. He came back afterwards and told me he had something important to tell me which was this: the therapist told him that there has been role-reversal now, and I am the abuser now, because my bf has been respectful, and I have been mean and disrespectful and controlling. The therapist has been giving him more tools to manipulate me and has now turned against me... I read in a few books that this happens a lot. I just can't believe that this therapist leads an abuser program also, and I want him to be investigated or reported or something. I noticed right away that he was putting my bf in a victim position. In the first session, he even said to us: "You are both victims here." Anyway, I am so freaked out. My bf was begging and pleading for ME to get help for MY problem and it's the best for us, and I just feel like this is SO MESSED UP AND BACKWARDS AND I AM SO ANGRY. My very first post on this board was out of a concern that I might be abusing my abuser... I never even considered that he was being abusive. I have put so much guilt and blame on myself for so long, that I really think this whole situation is so ridiculous. I can't believe the therapist is doing this. Why??? I am going to the police station right now to get an emergency protective order because I think this situation is way up and out of the realms of anything I could handle. I am so worried that he is going to come back here or we will "run into each other" somewhere. I would really appreciate some advice. Sorry, this is so rambling... I am just so overwhelmed.

Thank you so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 10:29pm

Hi, crypto.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 1:19am
Thank you for replying.

I am nervous about this therapist. When my bf was instant messaging me and telling me this stuff that the therapist said... I tried to explain (silly me) why the therapist was wrong about me. Like, I said that I didn't want to see this therapist anymore, my bf just said "he said you would say that." When I said that I wanted to report this therapist to the agency that recommended him, my bf said "he said you would say that, too." The therapist told him (according to my bf) that this happens in 95% of the domestic abuse problem. "This" being the "role-reversal" of the victim becoming the controller/abuser. I feel a huge lack of confidence about reporting this guy, but at the same time, I feel a huge obligation too, because of all the other women that are probably suffering because of this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 1:21am
I forgot to mention, I think... after the first therapy session, after my bf started acting worse, I called the therapist to see what was going on... I wanted to know if we were going to get into accountability and stuff... and I wanted to know whether or not we were going to abuser therapy, or couples' therapy. The therapist said "both." Isn't that weird? That made me uncomfortable. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 6:49am
Oh, crypto, reading about that "therapist", and I use that term VERRRRRRRY loosely, just gives me a case of the cold shivers and makes me madder than a wet hen.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 1:06pm
I woke up angry at this therapist still. I would very much to explore every avenue I can to make sure that he doesn't put any more victims in harm's way. I don't think he will be calling me, because he was the therapist for my bf, that my bf found from a list that the center provided to him. My bf told me that it was "batterer's therapy" and that the therapist strongly recommend that I accompany my bf to the sessions. That is why I was confused in the first session when the therapist told us we were both "victims." He also asked me if I could "see myself" on this little "abuse wheel" print out that he gave us, which included all these different controlling and abusive behaviors printed out. That is why I called the next day, confused and concerned because my bf's behavior had worsened after the session, (and the book, "Controlling People" that my bf was told to read), to ask what direction the sessions were heading in. I was confused about the set-up of the therapist's program, compared with literature I have read, because I'm pretty sure that it is strongly recommended that no kind of couples' therapy goes on with abusive relationships, especially in violent ones. Hasn't it been known to put the abused one into danger? Perhaps my (ex)bf lied a bit. I know he lied in sessions, and the doctor seemed unhappy that I was "invalidating" my bf's feelings when I called him on it. Sigh. This is all so overwhelming. Did I mention that I have THREE midterms next week? Heh.

I really want to do something about the therapist, but what can I do? He wasn't even hired by me, he was hired by my bf. I don't want to take this lying down, though. It's just not right. I'm feeling pretty unsure of myself and the outcome if I did do something to report him, as well as feeling unsure and nervous about being granted a restraining order. I just read that the first time you go to court, it's just temporary, and then you have to go back for a hearing that the abuser is going to be at??? I thought I would just have to go down once, show some proof maybe, and that's it. I really don't want to see him. I am so freaked out to see him, and that they will believe his story (that I'm the abuser) instead of mine. What if they don't grant the RO? What if they turn it around on me? What if he presses charges against me? Can he do that?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN by the way.

Thanks for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 1:45pm
Would you recommend that I get a lawyer for the restraining order process? He'll probably be able to afford a good one. Would that be something to talk to the people at the DV hotline about?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 3:40pm

Okay, crypto, now it's beginning to make sense to me.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 5:39pm
Unfortunately this therapist does have all sorts of certifications and claims to specialize in domestic violence. He runs a group program for abusive men as well. And unless my bf is lying, my bf did find this guy per a recommendation from a local DV hotline. He did call different ones and pick this therapist out of a bunch, though. I think I should at least call them and tell them what happened. I'm afraid they are going to tell them I'm wrong. Which, do you think, are the most important points about this therapist that I should share with them?

Thanks.