Please help me help my friend! :(

Avatar for imtired2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Please help me help my friend! :(
2
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 10:26am

I have a good friend that I've known over 20 years. She called me last week and told me she has finally had enough of her husband and wants to come see me this weekend while he moves out. She doesn't want her kids to see him leaving. Her story is so long I don't quite know where to begin and I'm not aware of everything that has gone on in their marriage, but what I do know is:
He has a very angry temper.
He's thrown things.
He's never hit her, but has threatened to.
He can't keep a job for very long.
He is very controlling.
He's depressed alot.
He's been unemployed for the most part the last 3 years.
He blames others for everything that goes wrong.
He has gotten angry enough at his own young children that he won't speak to them.
He doesn't care for me at all. Of course, the feeling is mutual. However, I do feel sorry for him sometimes because I can see that he really doesn't like himself either. I have somewhat distanced myself from my friend because I fear if I call her and he answers the phone it will only bring on an argument btw them.

I'm sure there's more I've forgotten, but I think the main reason I'm writing is that she has given him an ultimatum that if he doesn't find a job in a certain period of time, she is filing for a divorce. If he does, she won't. What I want to be able to gently advise her on is, "What good will that do?" I feel he needs more help than getting a job will give him. What do I say? How can I help her without hurting her feelings?
Thanks in advance,
tired
p.s. My screen name is not meant to reflect that I'm tired of this situation, it's from when I used to post on another board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:03am

Is she married to MY STBX??? Except for the part with the children, it is him exaclty ... & mine is an alcoholic.

All i can say is that with all those issues, you are right, a JOB isnt going to fix any of them. I wish that i could say that its easy to "fix" someone like him .... or for that person to "fix" himself ... but its not. Its years & YEARS of hard work, which these guys arent even capable of.

Maybe you could direct her to this board? Maybe seeing others stories, in B&W, will make her see its pretty much a pattern that never ends?

HTH! R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:34am

We have gotten several posts similar to this type of situation and what we normally recomend is just by simply being there for your friend, listening to her and being there for her.

5yrssm