Please help me understand
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| Tue, 12-14-2004 - 10:35pm |
Domestic abuse is a new subject for me. I thought domestic abuse was when a man beat up a woman. Then I read an article in Ann Landers that really scared me - it outlined 10 warning signs of domestic abuse. Actually, this is not about me, it's about my daughter, and I need advice before I approach her - if I do. Let me set the scene - I am trying to keep this short, but it is hard when telling the whole story.
Our 20-yr-old daughter met a "shy and sensitive" guy via mutal friends in August 03, started dating him. He seemed possesive and weird, so she broke up. Then he cried and begged her to go back with him, so she did. By November, she was pregnant. (She said he told their friends they were "trying" to get pregnant, but she says they used condoms - she's now convinced he sabotaged them.)
We met him (he had no interest in meeting us) in Early December 03. He seemed nice and loving to our daughter, but nervous (understandable) and cried when he told us that he was sorry about the unplanned pregnancy but wanted to marry our daughter and be a great father to the baby. She tells us they will get married after the baby is born. He gets mad and says he wants to marry her now. We tell them when they make a decision to let us know how we can help. (I'm leaving out all the parts about our feelings, lectures, ongoing discussions, etc.)
The wedding was mid-March. We met his mother and maternal grandmother in early Feb. They seem nice, but kind of overbearing and "take charge". We find out about his family (He is very close to his mother and maternal grandparents, "MuMu" and "Popsy", as we are told to call them..) His parents (mother and stepfather) live 3 hrs north, but MuMu and Popsy are right around the corner and are at his beck and call.
We get through the wedding, and our daughter cried during her vows. She told us later she was crying because she didn't want to get married. Wow. (We told her well beforehand that she did not have to do it if she didn't want to, even if her decision was made at the altar, we would back her up 100%.)
Baby was born in Sept., they bought a house 1/2 mile from MuMu and Popsy. We hardly see them(they live 15 mi.away) - he says they "want to spend time together as a family". I'm going to bullet points now to save you the long version:
* House is in his name only
* He answers the phone, gets mad if we ask to talk to our daughter (actually left the house when she was talking to her Dad because he wanted her to "get off the phone")
* Took her name off of checking account, took her debit card - says she spends too much money (she did bounce a few checks early on - she said he said they had x$, but they didn't)
* Eliminated long-distance calling on their phone (our # is long distance)
* His mom got him a cellphone so he can call her (her # is long distance, but daughter is not allowed to use the phone because his mom pays the bill ??)
* On the rare occasion they visit he usually asks us for money - even as pathetic as asking us for GAS money for coming to visit us
* She left him once, and he and his mother arrived unannounced at our house - he said he loved our daughter but she was being uncooperative, and his mother asked us several times for money to pay their bills and also said our daughter needed counseling
* His mother forwarded an email I sent her to MuMu and Popsy and other family discussing the kids' problems, and altered it to appear that I said something I did not say. (I refuse to get in the middle of a drama and take sides, and said so in the email, but she altered it to look like I said it was all her son's fault...)
* Daughter went back to him, and he has been more weird, listens to her phone conversations, hides outside of doors to listen to her conversations (I caught him doing this), opens her mail, erases our msgs to her on the answering machine
* He SHAVED the baby's head with clippers! He said the baby had too much hair, and it appeared "messy" all the time, so he cut it! (The baby is 4 mo. old & had a beautiful head full of hair!)
* He acts like father of the year around others, but when no one is around, he won't have anything to do with the baby. Has left baby in the car crying in the driveway.
* Let the air out of a tire on her car so she couldn't go to work
* Looks at the mileage on her car, feels the brakes on the wheel to see if she's just gotten home, will not give her money for gas or food, he gets gas and groceries himself
There is so much more... and I'm not saying my daughter is perfect. She gets grumpy sometimes, and is not fond of housework -although her house isn't filthy, he insists that it be spotless, and has called MuMu to come clean the house because our daughter is "too lazy" to keep it clean...
My daughter has changed from a happy-go-lucky, independent girl to a paranoid person. Her husband tries to snow everyone into thinking he's this great guy, and I think he is a monster. I am person who has the ability to step back and look at a situation in an unbiased manner. I know my daughter isn't perfect, but she does not deserve this. And throw into the mix my grandchild! Now I'm feeling doubly concerned! Not only is my son-in-law acting this way, but so is his family! About a month ago, his mom, Mumu and Popsy ganged up on my daughter - waited for her to come home from work and confronted her about being lazy, not being a good wife, and even had the gall to comment on her sexual relationship with her husband!
I am so very sorry this is such a long post, but I really need some words of wisdom. My daughter is scared, and so am I. I have a lot of data from the Internet regarding domestic abuse, and I want to talk to her about it, and frankly, I want her and the baby to leave the situation. How should I go about talking to her? Should I wait until after the holidays?
Thanks for reading, and thanks for your patience,
Lilly

After reading some other posts, there are some other comments I'd like to add...
My daughter told me about an incident last weekend where she was driving (S-I-L was the passenger) and she was waiting for a parking spot that an elderly couple was backing out of. She flipped her lights to indicate to the couple to go ahead and back out, and when they were halfway out, hubby reached over and layed on the horn, scaring the bejeezus out of the elderly couple. They slammed on their brakes and looked at my daughter with a confused expression. She said she got so mad at him for honking, and he just laughed and said "it was a joke", and called her stupid for being mad at him.
He has done other things, like he gave the neighbor's dog some food scraps, then went in the house and brought the dog a piece of chicken injected with hot sauce. The poor doggie wolfed it down, then started sneezing and hacking and pawing its nose... and he just laughed and thought it was funny.
One more thing... when she asked him to please make the baby a bottle in the middle of the night (a week after baby was born) he got mad because he had to get up, made the bottle, then sprayed it in her face and told her next time to get up and make it herself. When she got upset he said he was "just playing".
I can't help it if the word "psycho" comes to my mind here...
Yeesh. This so-and-so sounds a lot like my ex-husband. The animal abuse is a major red flag for worse abuse to another animal and/or person. In fact, quite a number of killers start by torturing/abusing/hurting animals. When you talk to your daughter, make it clear that it is not her fault, nor are you saying "I told you so" in any way, nor is it her fault in any way. If you could go by her house and pick her and the baby up "to go to lunch", she should call one of the DV hotlines listed at the top of the board. They should be able to give her some advice on how to proceed and stay safe (always a priority). It sounds like you are willing to help her in whatever way she needs, bless you for that. She needs to find out what resources are available to her in your area and the hotlines can certainly help with that. If she can start writing things down as they happen as a sort of timeline, that could help also. I would suggest she only start that if she has someplace safe she can hide the list. (I kept my list in my tampon box; that's the one and only place my ex didn't go into).
It sounds like not only the guy, but his entire family is accomplished in the "crazymaking" skill. It's hard enought to fight one abuser; a whole family of accomplices and enablers makes it that much worse. Good luck to you, your daughter and grandbaby. Let us know how things go.