Please help/advise - I'mso lost!
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| Sat, 08-28-2004 - 12:58am |
I am 33 years old and have been married for 5 years to a 39 year old man. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. Before we were married, I had a hobby that I enjoyed with friends-going away a few times a year with our horses to horse shows. When we married, I cut back, as my husband felt I should spend more time at home. Things were neither great nor horrible. Then I got pregnant with our little girl. The whole time, even the day she was born, he was distant. Once we became parents, he seemed to think my hobby with friends needed to end - even though I took our baby along when he didn't feel like "babysitting". Things got worse - I had a horse I was only allowed to see once a month (or deal with the torture of being ignored or accused of being selfish for not being home). I work full time, care for our daughter, keep the house clean, but that was never good enough - something was always not exactly right, or done too late...I was always unappreciated, accused, etc....I got no love or affection, just comments on what I did wrong. I guess all that combined with post partum depression threw me into a downward spiral. I felt so uncared for, unattractive.....I was stupid and was just so thrilled if anybody was nice to me - I ended up having an affair that ended with one encounter.
We went for counseling, I told everything. DH agreed to try to work things out. But that seemed to mean he gets everything his way. Sell my horse, quit my job, spend time at home, don't see your friends....I did and still try to do all he asks to please him. Last year, it took a toll on me - I went into a severe depression, had 2 attempted suicides, then just gave up. I basically quit life. went from 125 pounds down to 82 pounds and was hospitalized for depression and anorexia. Through all of this, both my medical doctor and therapist (both of which had been handling myself and my husband for over a year) continued to tell me that dh was emotionally abusive - and I needed to get out of the relationship. My MD went as far as telling my dh that he was killing me and dh didn't even care. I was hospitalized for a month - when I got released, dh wouldn't even come to pick me up and a few days later, he moved out for 3 weeks. That was a year ago today I got out of the hospital.
Since then, things are worse - I am ignored, criticized about every thing I do, dh has not even kissed me in 3 years. I am told what I can and can't do- and if I do otherwise, it's even worse. He has told me to die (in front of our 3 1/2 year old daughter), said things just to be hurtful. I started losing weight again, then started binging and purging - and he says nothing. The only words he says (when he is not yelling at me) are "whatever" and "if you want to". I am going to go back to college on Monday to try to achieve a goal of entering medical school someday - and he calls the idea ridiculous. In the meantime, I take care of our daughter - get her to and from daycare every day, make dinner, keep a clean house (not clean enough for him).
He has punched walls hard enough to break his hand, and is constantly making comments that make me feel like dirt, feel ugly, fat (not good for a recovering anorexic), says that my family and friends tell him bad things about me (they don't),,,,
Where do I go from here? I cannot stand walking on eggshells anymore, waiting to set him off.....please help - I am so tired of crying.\
Kelly
klynn913

Hi Kelly, and welcome -
Given your medical/psycholgical needs, I would recommend listening to your medical team.
CL-Blueliner4