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| Fri, 07-23-2004 - 5:22am |
so here i sit. s left about an hour ago. my living room floor is covered in glass, big peices and tiny hidden shards that i am bound to step on in the future. he came home drunk and an hour late and i said something. he had that kingsh*t look on his face and i wanted to gauge out his eyeballs. i took the plate of food, that i had so nicely prepared, from under him. he jumped up and tried to stab me with his fork. i pushed him off me and then pushed him again to get away from him. he fell back onto my glass coffee table, i ran into the bathroom and grabbed the mop. he came in and attacked me. he punched me in the face a few times and grabbed my throat and my hair. i manuvered my way down to the floor screaming that b was watching and screamed for someone to help me. he backed off for a second and i grabbed b and went into my room. she was screaming too at this point. he went intgo the living room and threw my computer at the wall. he went on and on yelling at nobody that i'm a puta disgracada, or in english a disgraceful bitch. he called me that about 20 times among other things, and yelled about my family and americans in general. i stayed in my room on my bed holding b and crying. then he came in to say he was leaving and tried to turn on the light but it had burned out. so he took the bulb out and smashed on the wall across the room. b started screaming again. i took her in the other room. he got dressed and packed a bag. we tried to talk soon after but it was pointless, he just kept saying it was my fault and i made him do all that because i'm a c*nt and all he does is work work work. i've made his life a disgrace. i told him to get his work stuff and when he was in the bedroom i grabbed the atm card out of his wallet and stuck it down my shorts. we went out together, i got in the car and he took the truck. i gunned it to the bank and took out a hundred bucks and flew back and stuck the card in the couch and left again. i drove around the neighborhood till i saw that the truck was back so i came up acting like i didn't know what he was doing there. he asked me if i had the card and i said no, the told him to look around for it, and he found it. the reason i did that was because i'm going to need money from him because i've been stupid enough to let myself become 100% dependfant on him. and he's going to be stingy with money as always. i asked him how the f*ck am i supposed to live and he said he'd pay the rent and everything this month while i find a job or whatever. now i'm sitting here, not in tears, just with heartburn, and the main thing on my mind is how i can live financially without him. because i'm done with him. but how will i afford to pay the rent, the bills, the car payment, food, diapers... he'll probably give me about a hundred bucks a week for b. if i worked full time which i don't even know how i'll do because who will watch b, i'd make probably about $300 a week, maybe a little more. thats $1200 a month. my bills in total including rent will be about $1600. so i could live, if he gave me $100 a week but i would not have one friggen dollar to spend on anything else. which i dont mind that much for me, but how about when b needs clothes this fall and such? and this winter when the electric bill is $300 a month? oh man. why did i ever let myself get involved?
And as I read that I know what happened is wrong and that he is nuts, but i still feel like it wouldn't have happened if i hadn't gotten in his face in the first place and i'm now plotting on how to patch things up because i can't survive without him. what do i do? i have nothing without him, no place to go and no money and i think i have too much pride to even consider a shelter or something like that. this doesn't happen all the time but it definatly wasn't the first. i just got out of the bathroom where i saw a blood blister on my neck from where he grabbed it, it looks like a hickey. but why am i feeling like i caused everything and deserved it. if anyone ncould give me an opinion, a reality check, anything would be appreciated!

Oh, good lord honey, you are DAMN lucky.
Welcome aboard.
Now, I want you to read this carefully:
The attack you suffered last night not only could have killed you, but it definitely could get him arrested.
CL-Blueliner4
What happened to you is horrible but its not your fault. There is NO excuse for a man to ever place his hands on your for any reason. NONE.
Hugs to you
Mel