Please validate this is emotional abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Please validate this is emotional abuse
5
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 2:42pm

First off, thank you for this board. I've been a member of Ivillage for my three pregnancies, but never knew this board was here.

I've been married to DH for 14 years this June. We married at 19, and have three small kids 7,2 and 4 months. I have struggled with DH since we were first married and it has become so taxing to me that I am tired all of the time! Please validate my feelings so I know I'm not crazy. Is this emotional abuse or am I just too sensitive? DH calls us names, talks down to us, picks on oldest DS terrible=very degrading to him, tells me I'm lazy, a terrible house wife, I spend all the money and refuse to get a job, and all our financial troubles are my fault. Here is the history. I am an EMT and had a full time job in a clinic as a CMA. So, I worked tow jobs, sometimes three when I teach EMT classes at the local community college. I also teach CPR, so needless to say, I am busy. DH convinced me to quit my FT job when I found out I was pg with #3.

I've been a SAHM for a little over a year. DH has been laid off twice and changed jobs once in this time. We are terribly behind on bills because of it. Anyway, my spending consists of buying the absolute bare necessities for food and house goods, and NOTHING else. According to him, I spend all the money. As well, he says I refuse to get a job, though my getting another job has never really been discussed. Anyway, he is accusing me of many things that are not true. He has a very distorted idea of how events have occured. If the house is not perfectly clean, and I mean spotless, he gets very angry. He has terrible mood swings and is an alcoholic ( I am just now realizing that he is in fact an alcoholic). He drinks at leat 10-12 beers a day when he gets home and I have no idea how many he drinks on the drive home. he spends NO quality time with our kids and has no patience with them. If they make noise, cry or are playing too loudly, he screams and yells at them. DS and oldest DD are scared of him. He has always been a physical punisher..spanking, slapping and is sometimes too rough in my view. But just alst week he three DS out on to the cement in the front patio and Ds hurt his ankle and foot so badly he almost couldn't play soccer. I haven't allowed the kids to have any contact with him without me being home...unfortunately until today. I fear his is going to go too far and hurt the kids physically. I think horribly of myself for letting it get this far.

OK, just writing this makes me realize how horrible this marriage is. On the bright side, I have two job offers pending and I am looking for an apartment. I'm going to ask my mother for a $2000 loan to get on my feet ( I don't know if she will agree, but I'm hoping). I have a great, realiable car that is paid for, and very supportive friends.

So, why do I question myself so much? Why is it so hard to make that first step? I left him 3 years ago and he convinced me to come back. It was pure agony to leave that time too. Secretly I wish I'd never come back to him....but then I wouldn't have my DD's either.

Please just tell me I am doing the right thing!

thanks for listening!

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 9:04pm

oh, baby, I'm so glad you stopped in.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 11:04pm

Hon, he turned into a straight-up abuser when he injured your son, rather than just emotional. Even if he hadn't, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I would encourage you to check out our board website, accessible through the link at the top of our Start page, for ideas on how to safely leave. Check this out also: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25758.1&ctx=512

Best of luck, and please do keep posting. You've come to the right place.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:11pm

You are so doing the right thing...this guy sounds like a freaking walking time bomb and I think the sooner you and your babies get out the better. My xh was horribly cruel to my DD (then 4)and once stabbed a dinner plate so hard the fork bent because she touched him with wet hands and refused to allow her to sit in HIS chair. Anyway, you sound as if you have your ducks in a row wiht the jobs/financial stuff so aside from validating this abuse I would ask if you are in any sort of counselling, particularly DV counselling? Perhaps call the local DV shelter for some referals for AND your children to help heal from this. Also, take measures to protect yourself because it is within the first 3 months after leaving an abusive marriage that is very unsafe for the woman. In all reality I still follow certain safety precautions and it has been over 2 years and is court ordered that our only communication be regarding the children but he still finds ways to try and scare me so I am a safety first kind of girl. There should be safety infomration on the board...check it out and please keep us posted.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:04pm

Hello! You are so doing the right thing! If I were you, I'd take the loan from your mother, and get that apartment. The reason it's difficult is that there is alot of emotional stuff going on.

How are you feeling now?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:26pm

Yes, you are dong the right thing.

It DOES NOT get any better. EVER!!!

I know from first hand experience. First, it was mean teasing, then verbal abuse, then it turned to physical abuse. IT doesnt ever get better, every time it only gets worse tha the last. If I had a dollar for every time I was told by my DH it was my fault for pushing him to the point of hurting me, I could build us all mansions!

I"m looking for a way out. I hope you do too. YOU cant walk on egg shells the rest of your life. And, your children are just kids, they cant understand all this on the adult level like you can. I grew up in a similar situation, I thought for years everything was my fault. I wasted a lot of my life thinking I was inferior becuase of what my parent said and did to me.

Its only lately I've come to understand I was only a helpless kid, not the cause of everything evil and vile in the world, like my parent claimed.
If you have a way out, go, for you and your family.

GOOD LUCK