Please...your thoughts on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Please...your thoughts on this
13
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 11:08pm

It's still been quiet...have not gotten any blocked calls, no texts, nothing...nothing at all from the ex. As I've stated in previous posts, I'm working on dealing w/ this silence, etc..I've been doing ok, as of late. THEN, a fedex box is delivered. He sent our 2 year old some Valentine gifts..pj's, a spring outfit, a pillow pet (if he knew her, he would know she has one and doesn't mess w/ it) and some kind of robot thing called a Figit? but it's for ages 6 and up. It's all still in the box. Makes me ill to know he got money from the hag, or dealing or whatever..And today a card was in the mail for her. And it was an indepth card, 'being there for you' and he wrote in it, how he always thinks of her, wishes for the day he can hold her in his arms again. Like she can read.

He has no visit rights at this point. He has supervised through the state center, but was kicked out of the facility months ago. We have a pfa and a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 11:34pm

I think I would contact the authorities and report the contact....if he is to be having supervised visitations, this contact was not supervised by the court appointed person....as well as the in appropriate items in the box, (age appropriate toys) etc...even if it was within the boundaries, I would want it on record what he did...and also that he spent all of that money on those things yet not paying child support....etc.

I also would be inclided to pack it all back up, doing what I can to make it look like it was never opened and send it back to the sender as refused delivery etc....same with the card, see what you can do to re seal the envelope and return it to him ...

But that is just me and my two cents worth... I know you are torn about everything and still mourning the loss of the dreams you made that included him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 12:02am

I considered doing a refused delivery, but think it would backfire on me in court one day. I remember when we were in court over the visitation and we had no court ordered support yet- and he told the judge that he was afraid to send anything to the house for the baby, because of our no contact, and the judge said there would be no problem if he sent something for the baby..but that was for a money order for support. I am going to take pics, and note this- but I dunno if I want to go through the police again, to put it on record. I waited 7 hours a few weeks back, to file a report for his call and my slashed tires and it didn't get me far.

I wonder if he's trying to get to me w/ the stuff written in the card...but it makes me ill. If he loves her so much, prove it. Words mean nothing. I do mourn what I wish it'd been, but he really makes me sick..the anger is what I'm trying to control and get through. I'm really trying to let go, not care, and heal. I would give anything to not care.

Look at how much attention and thought I put into all this! *sigh*

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 10:38am

Yes everything he wrote in the card WAS for you...he directed it at the baby so he could say he was not contacting you....but he KNOWS you would have to read it aloud to the baby IF you were going to at all and that would mean you read EVERY word...and if you look at exactly what he wrote, it was all guilt trip for you...

Pack everything up in the box, including the card, stick it somewhere out of sight out of mind and when your baby is older (like 21) you can give it to her along with anything else he sends to manipulate you...assuming she even cares about him.

If you let her have the things he sent now, they will be a constant reminder for you of him...that is what he is wanting...no law says you have to give it to her NOW...you can give it to her eventually...if you are questioned by the courts why you did not give it to her now, you can ask how he knew you didn't, and you can point out the inappropriate toys for her age at that time.

Something you can do is write long letters to him...tell him everything you wish you could tell him face to face....let your anger and frustration out in these letters....then fold the letters up and toss them in the fire place or tuck them in a box in the attic....

If you live near a lake or body of water, you can go gather some rocks, take them home and write words on them in paint or marker...these words would be words you are feeling and experiencing...then take them down to the water and throw them in .... that will symbolize the getting rid of those feelings.....

If that is not an option, gather some nice landscaping rocks (bigger ones) and get some water based markers...write those words and feelings on those rocks as you are dealing with them....next time it rains, or when the yard gets watered...those words will wash away....then they are ready for another session of processing.....just some ideas for you to ponder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 11:20am

Yes; I love those ideas.. I used to furiously write in a journal about my ex and the abuse and when I got weak I read the journals and was like OMG.. Did that really happen??

I also have done the letting go thing at the beach.. So cathartic and all.

It appears it is some sort of purging and letting it all go as to clear the mind and it does take work...Our brains and psyches are so fragile and as humans we forgive and forget and tend to only remember the good things about these abusers. Lately I have been remembering good things about ex and the bad things are just bad memories or bad dreams..

Thank You

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 12:39pm
Ok..maybe it is just me but there IS a chance that it is for the baby. Remember abusers have dual personality. They may be abusive and have issues but other part of them have normal feelings for a baby.
So I would LET IT GO..don't acknowledge..nothing. And yes, use the stuff..what the heck..it is for the baby and let her use it. Think of it as a third party donor presents...and leave it at that. I don't know the details of why he has supervised visits..but anyway..the best for you is to ignore and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 5:22pm

I love the idea of painting on a rock and letting the rain wipe it away. I think that would be quite symbolic and may help. I used to journal and havent been able since he found my journal years ago, and man did I pay a price for that. I kinda use this forum as my journal for now. For the most part, I keep things to myself, but when I get real down and out I post.

I know abusers have dual personality, and I'm sure he loves our baby..and the gifts he'd like her to have, but I'm not going to give them to her. If the spring outfit fits, I'll use that, but I'm not going to give her the inappropriate toys, or pillow pet, to sit around and remind me it was from him. And the card? I'm really wondering if it was meant to toy with me..let's face it, our 2 year old is smart, but she can't read and he knew "I" was going to read it and even if I read it to her, she doesn't get it.

He may love her, but not the way I expect a father to love. He packs up some gifts to satisfy himself. He is not willing to sacrifice for his child. I know he blames me for him not seeing her. It was a huge wake up to give birth to our daughter, after being w/ him 6 years and him not changing. He will admit he'd kill a man if he treated his daughter the way HE treats ME..but still no change. I can't tell you how many times he has said and texted how he wishes death on our baby. Who does that? I remember holding her, I guess she was about

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 7:34pm

My thoughts are you cry over the thought of what he should be and isn't. You cry over what she will never have and that is a father. I hate seeing fathers with children because it makes me sad that mine do not have one. I do not want the one they have so they are better off without him but I am sad they got suck with him for a father so now don't have one. We named fathers day last year to parents day and so I get two special days a year now =). We have been dealing with this a little longer so it is a little easier but it still sucks. I still at times get upset over how things are and wish they had turned out differently but none of it was my doing. I picked a loser but got four wonderful children out of the deal that seem to feel better with not having a father then I do!! AHHH!

I love Kats ideas. I once wrote a letter to my ex and cried over it because I managed to write a letter with no feeling. I didn't like that he could bring that side out in me and so I think I ripped it up, it was never going to be sent to him anyway. One time he sent me a card for something I did that I knew he wasn't happy about but claimed to be. Before I realized what I was doing the card was in a million pieces. OOPS, LOL.

As for the gifts do what you can handle. if you can't handle seeing them then put them away. Maybe one day you will be able to look at them and it will be ok. She is little and they won't mean a lot to her but if they make you upset then put them up till later. The card was probably directed at you, my ex use to send the kids cards with hidden messages to me, so rip it up and burn it =). Cards get lost all the time and it does not sound like it is one she should ever see. Things have to become about protecting her from him as much as possible and if the stuff upsets you then it upsets her so they go up and the card goes bye bye. Hugs.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 10:01pm

Yeah, I guess that's what it is..cry over what I wish we'd been. Amazing how a few hours ago I was so angry and empowered and now I'm just a mess. Something triggered a thought when he was holding her...you know, its so hard accepting that I'll never have the answers I want. Man, he played me to the point where he took everything damn thing I had...everything. I mean, if he could cut me and take blood, he would've..I'm not just referring to material, god knows I ran out of that...but the joy from my smile..the music from my dance...my baby's first birthday he made me cry, Christmas...Happy Mother's Day Wh8re..and yet, I sit here and cry over SUCH A BASTARD. I'm jealous that he is w/ someone else. My mind tells me that lady is living hell..my mind reminds me how much life sucks w/ him..but how can he just go off and desert a little girl..not take care of her...forget it. I can't make sense of my words. But he just destoryed everything, lied to me and just off he goes..no answers..no justice. Does the pain ever stop...it is so pathetic that i use so much energy on this. I can't even say I wish i never met him, because of my baby. I guess I'll say I wish I met him the first time he hit me while i was pregnant..or when he screamed at me at a jail visit, calling me names, saying I'm a wh8re and the baby isn't his. I shouldve said, 'you're right, she's not' and left and never looked back.

Maybe I'd be somewhere in my life. happy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 10:22pm

I think I know how you feel. When I left my ex who was controlling,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 9:57am

No, I haven't read any books on abuse yet. I need to. I kind of feel like I'm suspended in jello..just sitting in this one spot and it is so freaking hard to keep going with the motions. I don't doubt for one second that if I didn't have my 2 year old depending on me, I would be a complete vegetable. I guess I'm getting better, because I do have moments of empowerment. I guess it's time to start getting 'those' books and facing the music. Idk how I'm going to do this! How I WISH he wasn't the father of my little girl. One day I'm going to have to deal with him, see him...maybe even let him take her for visits..i just don't know how I'm going deal!

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