plz and thanks for reading
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| Tue, 01-25-2005 - 1:19pm |
Hi everyone,
Yes, I have posted here before on varying occasions and I am back because I feel that I need to take that next step. I am just so angry at myself for not having the courage to do anything. The problem is that it isn't terrible ALL the time, but it really is sometimes. And there is no physical violence but sometimes very aggressive "playful" behavior (which I have no idea if it means anything). I know he is mad b/c I essentially withold sex from him-i have NO desire at all anymore. I feel that it is a problem, and I feel guilty about it. I can cuddle at times but that is as far as I ever want to go. I don't know what is wrong. And then I can't tell if that is the reason why he is so irritable in the a.m. Like this morning (I am not a morning person, have a hard time waking up extra early), he didn't have to go to work until an hour after I did. I was running late to work, and I asked if I could get into the bathroom. He flipped out on me, telling me I was such an idiot for waking up late, what was my problem? That he was the one who always made coffee and I never woke up in time to do so (typically, he has to be at work before me -different from last year, when the roles were reversed). At the same time, he can be so friggin' sweet at other times, last night trying to cuddle (prob.trying to get some), and brought me a present last night. I just don't get it. And I feel nearly numb anymore, like nothing phases me but sometimes i still lose it. where can i get strength? and i can't deal with all the complications of leaving i feel-even though it is what my gut says i should do. we have all these weddings and events to go to, moving, financial strains etc. i know its the same story but thanks for reading and any feedback is greatly appreciated. Plus, I am afraid of not having the love that we do have ever again, when it IS good.

If you are truly ready to take the step, please contact the National DV Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) to find local assistance in the area to get you back on your feet.
I saw you posted at NB, please listen to Tracy.
CL-Blueliner4
It's okay that it's the same story. Sometimes we need to hear supportive answers a few times before they sink in, esp. after being abused.
Good luck!
I just wish this feeling would go away. Last night was nice, this morning was not. It wasn't awful, but it still wasn't good. I feel that I am starting to become a worse person because of it. Yet there are things about him that I think are right, like some things he has taught me over the years. I don't know. I never want to REALLY hurt him, isn't that weird? One would think that after all he has put me through (which isn't THAT bad, comparatively) I would want him to feel the same. But I can't deal. Uggh. And I don't need to go to a Domestic Violence shelter-I am too young for that, have no kids, and have never been physically abused, so its not as if I have a fear of my safety. Its more logistics that don't work out (having a roommate, being attached to a lease and not having extra cash to pay an addtl. months rent, all of our belongings that are mutual, etc). I know other women have packed up and moved with nothing but I actually feel that I have ownership of a lot of our mutual belongings, so I don't want to be the one to start from scratch.
Wow, look at me. I am just writing down a bunch of jumbled thoughts. I am just so terrifed of leaving him and afraid that I will never enjoy the good things again. Its as if I want to help HIM become a better person all the time. People that know him on the surface see a charming funny guy-and they would all look at me as the one who was nuts (and i am sure he would make it known that way). I just wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me if I stayed, this would happen, and if I left, this would happen and I could pick the better option. Does anyone else feel that way?
I know exactly what you're saying, as I'm struggling with a lot of those same feelings. There is no physical abuse in my relationship either, but there is a lot of emotional abuse/ manipulation.
Like you, I don't want to be alone, and afraid that even if I do find someone else, that we won't share the same connection. When my BF is treating me well, he really makes me feel like the most special person in the world. We have this amazing, I'd daresay even spiritual, connection. And, during those times I wouldn't even dream of leaving him and I feel guilty for even having thought about it.
But, then without fail, he very suddenly, for no apparent reason, turns into the nastiest SOB I ever have known in my life. He says things that make me feel like my insides have been shredded with claws and are just left bleeding to die. Sometimes after his verbal assaults I literally crumple up in a ball and have no energy to even move. He can make me feel completely worthless.
From what I've gleaned from some of the other posts, I think it's part of the manipulation tactics they use. You can't be manipulative and not know what you are doing. They push you so far, and then to keep control, they know exactly what to say/ do to pull you back to them. Perhaps you do what I do: When things are going good, I feel really torn because mentally I am hoping against hope that this time he has changed and that his mean side is gone. I convince myself that things will work out if only I can manage not to upset him in any way. But, that is my heart talking. Logically, I know he hasn't changed and that he won't. Logically, I tell myself it will only get worse. Logically, I know that I cannot prevent him from ever getting angry. Instinctively, I know that it's best to go; I just don't know where to draw the strength to actually leave. And the fears contribute to lack of movement as well. Logically, I remind myself about the bad times to try to counter the false hope that comes up during the good times. Like you, I'm having a hard time finding the strength to do what nees to be done. I wish I was a stronger person and could just shut off my feelings for him and go. I think that ultimately, what will drive me to finally make the break is that he will say something that just makes me "snap" inside, and it will be the definite end of it in my mind, which will propel me into action.
Blue suggested to me awhile ago that I make a list of things I like about my guy and things I don't, and do the same about me. That process was very enlightening. Perhaps it would help you if you could do the same thing about your relationship. Make a list of the things that you like vs. the things you don't. Perhaps seeing it in black and white will help. Perhaps you are stronger than me, and logically hashing it out as I've detailed above will help you. I wish I could be of more help, but maybe knowing that we are both struggling with the same thing right now will be of some comfort.
abuse always gets worse and just because you don't have broken bones or black eyes doesnt mean it's not abuse. and it also doesn't mean it won't end up there. it's hard to leave there is no doubt about that, otherwise why would we put up with this crap if the roles were reversed the men wouldn't.
by not having sex with him it's not withholding sex. you are a gift to be given when apropriate and when you choose. the fact that you don't want to have sex with him is your body telling you this is not the man i want to be with. listen to that we so often stop listening to our instincts as adults. our instincts are warning bells thats somethings wrong and this message is urgent.
go to a domestic abuse crisis center. you will hear stories from other women that are just like your own and think you should not have to live like that. then realize it's your story also and you deserve better.
you will not have the love you have now. because you will have better if you realize and accept that you can have so much more and are worth so much more. your subsequent relationships will mirror that image of yourself and intent. this will only happen if you leave and beleive that you are worth it and YOU ARE! will it be easy? no but it will be WORTH IT.
goodluck
-me