a pointed question

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
a pointed question
10
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:37pm
What does physical abuse really mean? I am a forward thinking, very liberal, college educated stay at home mother of three married to a forward thinking, very liberal, college educated man. Early in our relationship we would have loud throwing things fights but did less and less as we have grown older. Over the course of our marriage(we've been married 5 years)he occasionally gets really stressed out and hits me. Not often, like maybe 3 times a year. Is this reason enough to end a marriage? When it happens it seems like a huge thing but as time goes on it gets less and less important. The thing is, he gets completely crazy...not like he just slaps me once, he loses it!!! If I fall he keeps hitting. He hit me when I was pregnant with our last two babies once each pregnancy. I've had black eyes and bloody noses...this sounds really bad and I'm getting off topic. My question is... is this abuse? Do I have to leave my children's father, the love of my life over a couple of indescrections?


Edited 10/31/2004 1:47 pm ET ET by somechick1978
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 4:19pm

Hi, somechick and welcome, though we're sorry you need to be here, and I use the word NEED because you DO need to be here.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for bama1gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 5:11pm
Mama Har gave you some really good advice and info, but I'm going to put in a couple more things. Do you really consider black eyes and bruises when you're pregnant a few indiscretions? No one, under any circumstances, has the right to hit you, slap you, push you, block your way, etc. And Mama's right. Only you can decide if this is something to end your marriage over. I was lucky in my marriage in that I was never hit. But the emotional and psychological abuse was sometimes even worse. Definitely check out the homepage, it has tons of great info - sometimes a bit overwhelming how much is there, but just go through it all slowly. I also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It is the one resource that I still look at today. I knew my ex was verbally abusive, but I didn't realize the extent of his psychological abuse until reading that book. Huge help in my decision to leave. I've been free since May 30, 2003, and my divorce was final September 14, 2004. It was the best decision I ever made. My girls (17 and 10) are so much better off out of that mess. And so am I.

When I was a cl here, I had a quote at the bottom of my posts: "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for." Don't you think you deserve better than being a punching bag a few times a year? I think you deserve more than that and I also think your children deserve more than that. But only you can decide. Start documenting the abuse, even if it's just in a journal. Whenever you have bruises, take pictures - if you can't stomach someone else taking them for you, then take them yourself in the mirror if you have to. Do the research and read the book. Post here whenever you need to talk or just lurk and read the posts of others. I think you'll find yourself and your husband on this board more often than you believe right now. And protect those babies. They see more than you think. And they will learn what they live. Remember that as you work through this.

I wish you much hope and happiness. I hope that you'll find the answers you seek. Be safe.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 10:14pm
It would seem on the surface that you can put of with three days of getting beaten for 362 days of a good marriage. Even if you only get beat 3 days you still have to live with the mental stress of when will I get beat again, even if it's not always at the front of your thoughts, it stays with you. You should read up on abuse, your husband is not really losing it, he is stressed but he seeks to deal with that stress by controlling you and he does that through the beatings. But it would be unusual to have physical abuse with out the other aspects of abuse-emotional abuse and verbal abuse and controlling behaviour and jealosy and a sense of entitlement. You should read up on abuse so you can see if the other things are happening in your marriage. When you got a black eye were you embarassed to go out in public? Did you try to cover it up? It seems like a big deal because it is, it seems like less of a big deal as time goes on because that is the denial mechanism kicking in, you want the good parts so you deny the bad parts. Abusers and victims can be educated and intelligent, it doesn't matter. It affects all type of people. You should read I Closed My Eyes by Michelle Weldon. It's on amazon. She is a stay at home mom/work from home journalist and he's a lawyer, and he abused her every so many months a few times a year. This is teaching your children how to have future relationships whether they see the physical abuse or not. Sometimes when children are in this situation they hold it all in-but when their mom gets out then they start having all types of problems because they feel freer to express their feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 10:19pm
I wanted to add if you are ready to go to a domestic violence agency, they won't pressure you to leave him. It won't even be implied. It is really just about you getting educated on the topic and getting support and having a place to talk and vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:18am

About 3 times a year over the course of a 5 year marriage would equal about 15 criminal assaults against you, not a couple of indescretions.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 3:51pm
OK, I just got a chance to read all your posting and I want to say thank you all for caring about someone you've never met. I'm in tears, can barely type. I had, once again, started to get over it until I came here and read what was written. I don't want my little girls to grow up and be abused or my son to be an abuser(or vice versa). But I just can't see leaving right now. Shouldn't he get a chance? Counseling or something? I don't even think he knows how crazy he gets or how bad it really is. I don't know, I guess I sound naive to you all but....this is my husband, ya know? Ok, I will think about all your advice and check back but right now I need... I dunno how I was going to finish that, I need to think, to breathe, to cry, to stop crying, to protect my kids, to stop hating myself, to...i don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 4:52pm

Hi Chick -


Sadly, less than 1% of abusers will ever stop abusing, and that number is with extensive batterer's intervention.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:45pm
Just something to think on, while he's getting his chance, what is he doing to you? He needs specific domestic violence counseling, and it needs to be his idea and he needs to find the place to go and everything. If he's forced to get help, he may get through the program or counseling or whatever but it won't stick. He knows exactly what he is doing, he is doing it to maintain control, he was there doing it and I assume he doesn't have Alzheimer's, so he knows what is happening. He is your husband and there are good times, so it's a hard situation. Nobody would tell you to leave. I would say just focus on treating yourself well, and taking care of your children, and reading up on abuse, and getting support for yourself. Just take a couple hours for yourself every once in a while with no husband and no kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 12:08am
My Gosh YES. That is HORRIBLE and AWFUL abuse!

I'm pondering leaving my husband who screams and yells and comprimises my security, if he ever hit me just once, I'd be gone (I should be right now anyways).

Your husband is beating you BAD. Not just hitting once, but pummeling. That's a very very bad thing and you should get out now. I know you love him but that is no way to live. There are men out there who are caring and loveing and would never hit a woman.

Good luck to you,

CatLover66

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 9:02am
Well, unfortunately, he isn't going to miraculously see how crazy he gets or how bad it really is because to him, behaving that way to get you to do, be, say, or not do, be, say

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou