Is this a potential abusive situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Is this a potential abusive situation?
4
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 10:07am

Well, I've posted this thread before on other boards and someone suggested i post here as well so here i go... just curious as to what people think of this.

Ultimately, my ex and I got back together again after 5 wks of No Contact. It was very mutual but I just shouldn't have and now I'm so embarressed and feel ruined.

He tells me he loves me so much, more than he will ever possibly love any other woman - that I'm the most special person and thing to him in all his life, that he wants me to be his wife and we would have beautiful babies. He said he wanted us to work and that no one is as beautiful, sexy and full of love toward him the way I am.

Well, I came right out with everything to my friends, saying we were gonna give it another go and although they had their natural and expected hesitations they wished me the best and agreed that my ex and I are, in fact, in love but have work to do. They were warm to him when he came by and supportive of me.

HE ... never admitted anything to his friends. He hid our dates from them. And in a flash he freaked out saying we were "impossible" and could never be together, that no one would ever accept it. He was afriad to tell his friends and I said he was a coward and it all just sounded pathetic because if you really do love someone you fight to be together. He couldn't say he didn't love me because he says he does, so much.

Well after that talk we stayed together and Wedensday we watched tv and played some games and he spent the night. Well Thursday we both go to this party, as do all our friends and half the town. He made it clear we had to be very "low key" and I understood, not too happy about it though.

When I got there with my friends he came over almost immediatly to say hello and chat and then went back to his friends - which was fine. However as the night progressed he was more and more obnoxious and drunk. He would come over and talk about how this girl he used to see before me who was there, about a sexual act she did for him when they were dating . He barely came over after that to talk to me . FInally, when my friends and I were waiting to be seated for dinner he passed by on his way to the bathroom and was so obnoxious. So I couldn't take it any more. I was upset and hurt to be totally ignored, and I had a bit to drink as well so it was of course heightened.

He said that this was it, he couldn't see me again. Then starts saying how beautiful I looked and then flipped back to "no more" and good bye - right in public in the middle of a party. He was rambling and rambling about personal things and I was tearing up - he was aware and he kept going so...I threw my drink on his shirt and told him to "go %^&* himself" and ran out of the restaurant to this street hysterical crying. I didn't know what to do because I felt choked. He brought up all this stuff that he and I had resolved. I couldn't even breathe and all I felt was anger and desparation.

Minutes later his brother and GF found me on the street and insisted I go with them. I said I couldn't and it was wrong and they kept saying they were my friends and care about me and to tell them what made me so upset. I said my ex would be so upset, they said to screw it because he is a jerk and to come with them.

We went to this other place in the town where they talked and talked with me saying my ex is such an &*(hole and jerk and they would never recomend him to any girl, that he has treated me like crap and should never go back to him, because I am better than him. Mind you, they didn't know before this that we were even seeing eachother. THey kept saying not to ever regret being with them and talking with them. They kept saaying what a great person and friend I am. What a position for them to be in!!!!!

My ex ended up stumbling in and told me off, yelling, in a bar, in public in front of his brother's GF and I that he and I were enemies and he hopes I cry forever because I am a manipulative ^&*(. He demanded we talk and I refused - I was scared.

He took his brother aside and was screaming at his brother. Later he found me again and insisted we walk and I did end up talking - in public. He is so screwed up. He loves me and I'm beautiful and too good for him and I would inevitably leave and its all just impossible. He was irrational and almost crazy. It was late by then and I needed to go home and it was dark. He was gonna let me go alone until I insisted he be a good person and walk me home.

All the way back he was flippng between loveing me so much and being with me and not. It was like he was having a conversation all on his own. Well he spent the night at my house. I got sick. We did not fool around at all, although he did try.

In the morning he left, while I was in the floor in the bathroom dry heaving. I called later that night because I ultimately felt partly responsible but he was an ass. He was out drinking again and said "only partly?" I said yes. He made a stupid joke about dry cleaning but then said he was going to throw away the shirt that I spilled my margurita on because he didn't want to ever see it again. He said "thanks for calling, bye." HE THINKS THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. I cant help but feel I started it by not jsut ignoring him too, but he kept going and going and was soooooo insensitive. How come he couldn't stop himself??? How come he couldn't jsut admitt we are together???

He and I are about 28 and I am a successful professional and most people think much more attractive than him. He is a professional but hasn't quite finished up his schooling to complete his masters. He drinks ALOT and he is soooooooooooo messy. I love hims o very much but now I am scared of him and half of me thinks he is now capable of either hurting himself or someone else in a rage.

I do feel partly responsible but I'm so low now. He hates me so much and I'm sure he is mad at his brother. His poor sweet brother who really does care about people's feelings.
I called and left voice mails for his brother and GF to thank them so much for taking care of me and said I totally understand them not calling me back... which they didn't.

HOW DO I ACT WHEN I RUN INTO MY EX, inevitable that I do ebcause we live down the street from eachother and in a big bar town?????

It was my ex's b-day yesterday. NONE of his friends knew about us. At least he is now caught as the lyer and pansy he is???? How can someone be so cruel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 1:13pm
1st off, i am assuming he is an alcoholic. Let me ASSURE YOU, that that, combined with an abusive nature (whihc from what you say here, he is obviousy mentally & verbally & emotionally abusive), is NOT a safe combo. YOu seem smart, educated, you have a good career. THINK Of what your life will be like if you marry him. Think of what you will lose financially. God Forbid he has a DUI accident & kills someone, you could lose all YOU have worked so hard for AND your repuation. Please get youreself out & keep yourself out. He is an albatross.

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 1:38pm
I am not sure if it's abuse, but it's definitely disrespect. There is nothing to be gained from further contact with this man but further disrespect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 1:48pm

thanks for the responses. Disrespect and totally insecurity are his trademarks. I think he even admitted to actually hating women.

I'm going to stay far away. Its so hard to see clearly when your in the muck of it, but now and for the first time I feel ready to move on to something healthy.

As for him, its inevitable I will run into him again. We live so close to one another and this town isn't that large. However I pretty much know where he hangs out and plan to avoid those places when I go out with my friends at night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 2:03pm

Hi Dimple, welcome -


If he continues to behave in this way, contact the police and get yourself an RO.

CL-Blueliner4