Pregnant and alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2006
Pregnant and alone!
1
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 2:15am

I fell madly and deeply in love with a guy very quickly... I met him on a Monday night and by the following Sunday night he had moved in!

I felt in my heart that he was my "Mr Right". GOD, I FELL HARD AND FAST!! We spent the first few months living together when I wasn't working so we were spending nearly 24 hours together, with no car between us. I felt we had a perfect relationship, he was someone I could communicate with very easily, and I just felt that we were made for each other. All my dreams had come true!

Then I found out I was PREGNANT. My feelings were just so intense inside me and I burst into tears of joy ... i have NEVER EVER felt the love for anyone else in my life as i did with him.

To me, we had a brilliant sex life. I have NEVER felt orgasms like I did with him! I know that since i've been pregnant, our sex life has changed, but I’d hoped that he would understand that my body had changed.

For some horrible reason, he turned nasty. He wouldn't allow himrself to trust me, and a few times he was violent towards me (slapped me a few times, spat on me, said horrible things) .... and that's the hard part for me to come to terms with. What did i do to deserve it? I was ALWAYS faithful to him and wouldn't dream of ruining my relationship with the man of my dreams, but he just didn't believe me or trust me. And he obviously thought that everything had to be 'his way or no way' which isn't a compromise, that's just being selfish.

I know that he has some chemical imbalance when he drinks ... i have seen it first hand. The nastiness only occurred when he drank…. When he was sober he was the most loving, caring man. All i asked of him was to see a doctor (I thought maybe he had bipolar disease) but instead of getting help, it has come to the point of no return. Unfortunately now the police have been involved and he has flown 3000 km's across the country to live.

I am now going to be a single mother and my son (Yes it’s a boy!) will probably never know his father. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? If so, I would love to hear your thoughts on how you coped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 8:31am

I've been there. I left my husband of 5 years during the 8th month of my pregnancy. I went it alone after that until he decided when our son was 6mths old that he wanted to see him and now he has visitation.

I see some huge red flags. You met on a Monday and he moved in the following Sunday. I know my ex left no doubt at the time in my mind we were it and this was like going from seeing in black and white to color. I thought we were so in love and that this was it for me. We got married and after he was comfortable his true colors came out. I am guessing that is what happened with you as well. Many abusers will get the victim pregnant in order to cement the deal and keep you with them. Men for some stupid reason figure if you're knocked up by them you're less likely to leave. My husband did this to me and it was actually the main reason I left. There was no way I was bringing a child into that mess. You say the physical abuse occurred when he drank, but liquor usually just brings out the true colors in a person.

The main thing about abuse is that after you are out of it you can see the power and control wheel and how there was a definite cycle of all is well, then tension builds(usually for no apparent reason to us), they explode and get distant and then cool off and get nice again. It's a never ending roller coaster. Ever feel like you never resolved whatever issue kept coming up that caused the tension?

I usued to think my ex was bi polar too, but mental illness is no reason to ever put your hands on another person in aggression. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, you'll find the answers to your questions there on why abusers are the way they are.

As for what did you do to deserve this. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Abusers prey upon us and take advantage of the love and trust we extend to them. You loved with all your heart and soul and trusted that he was a good and kind person. I always feel now like I lost my innocense to my ex as now it's hard to trust and not wonder why someone likes you. Are they just using you too? But, I have know now that it wasn't and never was me. He created the crazymaking and he chose to behave the way he did.

You will get thru this. Do you have a good support system? Contact your local DV shelter they have access to all kinds of help and resources that can be a huge blessing. Also, if he moved 3000K miles away and is leaving you alone. Let it be. Don't list him on the birth certificate and cut all ties with him. Trust me on this. If I was not married I would not have listed my ex as the father and not given him any parental rights. No birth father is better than a bad father. I now have to duke it out with my ex every month on visitation and custody. I wish he would have just left.

I hope this helps. I know it's hard to feel like the pregnant teenager, but you will not believe the love you feel when your son arrives.

-Jennifer