Pretty sad day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Pretty sad day.
11
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 11:29am

I am just venting and this board looks like the place:)  It is a pretty sad day today an my daughters ex-boyfriend, who has done some very inappropriate things to her while dating and since breaking up is moving to our small town to work today.  He has taken a job here, working in the same building as her.  She found out yesterday, called in a panic,  I had no words, do not know what can be done.  He has the right to work anywhere but why did he decide a job 3 states away from his home, in a town of 5000!!! He has WAY more experience, could have chosen any of several location, its a mystery. She has started to date another guy and is worried sick.  She went on one date before moving home, her ex found out where they were going.  Stalked them, then started calling her phone, when she would not answer he called the dates phone .  Then went to her apartment and demanded to see her.  After that she got a saftey alarm and kept it armed at all times, guess he was a little crazy.  So she did not date again until she moved home.  He told her he had access to her e-mail, and phone account records (that was how he got the dates cell phone number). He told her how he checks how long her calls are with any given number, then searches who that number belongs to.  He even admitted to calling numbers to find out if they were girls or guys that answer.  Our attempts to fix that do not appear to have worked, she keeps her number the same because of her work contacts.  She also has him blocked from her facebook and she is VERY carefull NOT to say anything personal on facebook.  But still if a picture of her just next to another guy gets posted, he calls and freaks out.  She has an e-mail alert on her phone when somebody logs into facebook other than her, just this week she asked if I had because somebody other than her had. Sadly it was not me, we are guessing him.

 She moved back home about 2 months ago, was happy to be somewhat free of him. By somewhat I mean, she was still in contact with him via text, from what she says, if she ignores his calls or texts he freaks out and it was easier to just answer. She had the impression they could be friends, and since he was 3 states away was not giving it much thought.  So now he is coming here.  I have checked, she could get a protective order, but she hates to cause drama.  She asked him NOT to come here to work, but he, as usual, turned it back to her saying what a awfull person she was as he needed this job and how he would not bother her or her family.  Yeah right, he NEVER tells the truth, so why would he now. 

Anyway, with a tear in my eye, I believe I should get back to work:)

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-1998
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 9:04pm

She is going to have to face her fear. I have been in her shoes and came up with every excuse in the book to stay because I was scared to leave. I think she is afraid to get the ro because he has probably threatened her but one step to no longer being a victim is to take the steps to get rid of him. She can easily give her contacts her new number and that should keep him out of her info. I would also be on the phone with her carrier to see what they can  do to protect her information. She is probably hoping he will get bored, normal to want, and go away but he isn't going to till she stands up to him. But when she does all around her need to know what is going on so they can keep an eye out for him because a lot of abusers get dangerous when stood up to. I was lucky and mine threw around empty threats but they didn't sound empty and I will never forget the fear I felt when he threw them around. Does she have a dog? Can she get a dog? One that will bark at an intruder is the best to have. If you can't convince her to get a ro please try to get her to call the dv hotline and talk to someone there. ((((hugs)))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 8:43am
Is she using the same computer now as she did when she was with him? He may have put a key-logger on it to spy on her. If so, she can have it removed by a computer repair person. I also agree with Queen Brat that the only way to get him to stop harassing her is to get the restraining order and then report every single violation, even if he calls and says, "Ooops, I didn't mean to dial your number." Otherwise, she will be dealing with his escalating misbehavior without any protection.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 11:09am

Thanks for you thoughts.  Everybody says "just walk away" but not being in her shoes nobody understands how hard that must be. Unless like some of you, you have been there.  His trick is to threaten suicide if she does not have contact with him:(  That scares her.  She does NOT use her computer anymore, we need to have it checked.  As far as her phone number, it is used for work.  Contacts who are friends she could always get a new number.  It is perspective clients, they would be harder.  She just hopes he stays away, get the job in this town done fast and leaves.  She did say last night, he had been offered better jobs elsewhere, but took this temp job instead.  Everybody around her know the story and in the court house where they are working the staff has been told and asked if he starts to ask question about her to not answer.  Guess we will see how it will go.  She does seam open to talking to the DV people and getting a protective order at the first sign of crazy from him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-1998
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 6:35pm

My ex pulled the whole I will kill myself if you leave me crap. Took him seven years to finally get it right and at least two attempts (I have a feeling there were more but hnestly don't care anymore but did once). Please tell her from me that if he does try to kill himself or she is lucky enough (sorry but that is the quickest way for her to be completly free of him) that he does it it has nothing to do with her. It is not her fault. It is his choice. I use to tell my ex the same thing once I got over the fact of being upset and not wanting him to. I told hm my thoughts on killing oneself and how it was his choice and on his hands not mine. Most abusers use this as a scare tatic and won't do even try it. Mine tried to make me think he had a couple of times while we were still together. Once day he washed our son's pills down the sink and claimed to take them all. Thankfully they weren't ones that made much of a difference to DS bu still how do you do that? A few times he started cutting his wrist the right way in front of us and I called 911 and tried to get him help but he talked his way out of it some how. I know my ex was mentally ill and I tried to talk him into gettig help but he would not listen. Two weeks ao he finally did what he told me he would do for years if I left him and the world is a better place for it!! But I know with the state your daughter is in you cant tell her that or that it would be if her abuser did what he is claims he will do but I hope she finds a way to see past his games and finds a way to be happy. I was lucky that my abuser walked away when I fully stood up to him but not all are as lucky and I am even luckier that he is gone. I hopeall that run into the path of abuse get this lucky one day!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 6:51pm

IF people are really thinking of committing suicide, they usually dont tell anyone, just get their affairs in order then follow through with their plan...the ones who say it to others are wanting one of two reactions...first one is attention and help for whatever their struggles are the second is a reacion of submission...abusers love this one because they know their victim still cares about them and will do anything to keep their abuser safe...it is part of the game...come back to me or I will harm myself....the best thing she can do for that one is when he says he will kill himself is to act empathetic so he does not get any reward and as soon as possible send the police for a welfare check because he threatened suicide...they will go get him and put him in a 72 hour hold (72 hours he cannot harrass her) for evaluation...this will communicate to him that ploy will no longer work in getting her to submit to his whims....

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 8:33pm

  This is simple:    HAD SHE OBTAINED A RESTRAINING ORDER HE COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED FOR WORKING CLOSE TO HER.

Call the The local police.  There are laws against stalking.   Download a security suite and Ip changer. turn off her cell phone,buy a scrambler for the cell phone.  if he is moving acreoss state line call the FBI record all communication if legal.document,document.  Do not use Politically correct terminology like inapproprate, use he did this and this on such and such date.  Buy a good heavy caliber pistol and magazines for it. And practice,practice practice!

 iF he has hacked into her phone then that too is illegal.  If he has contacted any of the people she knows that can be evidence against him.  Cyber stalking in a serious crime.  This is a dangerous situation. 

 Get rid of the facebook account. His actions are illegal. 

chaika

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 8:40pm

  For some reason much of what I wrote was cutoff.

Get a restraining order at once.  If he has in fact hacked into her cell phone then that is cyberstalking / hacking which is illegal.  She needs to document everything dates,time place,text.  Obtain phone records.  Make sure she turns off her phone and read up on how easy it is to track by cell phone towers.  Change her passwords often.  There are many articles on the web about these things and a anti keylogger program and other security functions. 

chaika

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 9:00pm

~hugs~

It's hard but the best thing is "No Contact"...hard but it's pretty much the ONLY way...

Much harder now that he is moving there and working there to.

Getting an RO helps her although it can be and is scarey thing to have to do but he is "Stalking" her and that is against the law and so is the the stuff he is doing on-line.

My ds and I moved to another city just so I could finally be free of an ex...he had difficulty taking no for an answer...:(...

She owes him nothing and he has no right to ANY of her personal information...

I would actually get a new phone and a new number and ONLY have 911 GPS enabled so he cannot track her whereabouts down by her phone...it's really important to for ppl she knows not to give ANY personal information out at all about her.

Obviously he will not be happy but bottom line it is her choice not to be in a relationship with him...it is really hard to admit there is a problem and being afraid and being cautious can save your Life...(don't want to scare you, but)

By getting a RO or PO it helps to establish a pattern and will hopefully help to keep him away from her.

As far as threatening to commit Suicide I would call 911 on him...They want attention and do not like being ignored.

He is no longer her problem...

A lot of us here have gone through similiar issues and although sometimes we don't want to cause them drama sometimes we have no option for our own safety and peace of mind for ourselves, family, and friends.

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 9:51pm
Nightangel
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 1:42pm

She does seam open to talking to the DV people and getting a protective order at the first sign of crazy from him.

Okay, consider me a little slow on the uptake,but your dd doesnt' consider what he's done up until NOW to be crazy????  This freak is stalking her IRL, cyber-stalking, and making terroristic threats to her.  He's followed her to her hometown, is working in the same building, is already threatening her, and it's not considered crazy enough?  She is his virtual prisoner, even though they have no contact.  She's constantly looking over her shoulder, monitoring, living in fear and that is NO WAY TO LIVE!  Kaydee, hon, this has gone way, way too far already.  If your dd works in the courthouse and has friends in the Sheriff's office or on the PD, she needs to talk to them about "persuading" him to move on, far, far away.  I'm not usually an alarmist, but this guy has ME scared for her.  She has minimized, rationalized and made excuses for him far too often.  This guy is one of those who will pull the old, "If I can't have her, NOBODY will," card, and I don't think for a second he would hesitate to hurt/kill her and whoever she is with, and then do himself in, which would be a public service. 

Mom, regardless of her age, if she's living under YOUR roof, it's time to lay down the law. By living with you and refusing to obtain an RO, she is also putting you and everyone else in your household at risk.  This is NOT acceptable.  If she's serious about getting this freak out of her life, that RO needs to be obtained and stuck to.  Frankly, I don't think that will even faze him, he's already gone round the bend and become a very, very dangerous abuser.  He's dangerous, and by not getting that RO, your dd has put EVERYONE in her life at risk.  It's time for her to take off those rose colored glasses, face the THREAT head-on and reclaim her life.  Until then, this is going to be endless drama and danger for everyone involved.  If she's living under your roof, that RO should be a condition of her getting to stay there.  Yep, harsh, but sometimes harsh is the way it has to be.  Is what is happening to you all because of this harsh?  You betcha.  Time to meet harsh with harsh.  I'm not "victim blaming" here, but she has tools to help her, people who are willing to help her and she's turning up her nose at all of it, engaging in magical thinking that he will go away and leave her alone.  NO, he's escalating and is a danger to you all.  Good luck with this.

Mama Harmony

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