p.s. also doubting self
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p.s. also doubting self
| Wed, 12-13-2006 - 11:20am |
how does this happen? It gets all twisted up-anger at me for saying I was feeling a lack of trust-like it's my fault! It's gotten so crazy in the past that I've apologized for making a "fuss". How/why do we doubt ourselves so easily??????? I'm trying to tell myself it's a "tactic" so I apologize and "make it all better".........I need some words of kindness and wisdom....Beth

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Thank you!!! It's so sad, but it seems so true. Although I've told her i don't consider that we have a committment any more..we have a counseling appt. today...as far as I'm concerned our last. I'm going to write a letter and read it with the therapist present. Not a cruel or angry letter, but rather my words and the fact that she can't silence my spirit.
keep me in your prayers today...
Beth
Isn't it crazy that here we are on this board, and everyone here takes the time to sit down and read and paost and offer support, but we couldn't get that from our partners face to face? The people that claimed to love us!
I think going to a DV counselor is a good idea. They really do understand the damage that's been done. About feeling numb, and getting to where I felt detached... I spent a lot of time being angry, hurt and crying. I couldn't pin point what was wrong. I was flooded with all the awful things I had swept under the rug. I think this numb feeling is my body shutting down emotionally to deal with what's coming. It took time to forgive and move on. I've forgiven, I haven't forgotten.
I'm not surprised she's behaving the way she is. Good for you for walking away! Didn't it feel great? I'm glad you were able to enjoy yourself at the Menorah lighting! I bet she wasn't happy! Abusers can't stand to see us enjoy ourselves. They want our complete attention.
Have you considered cancelling the counseling appt with her? Good luck with the DV counselor, let us know how it goes!
Carrie
I posted on my other thread but i did go...just got home an hour ago. can barely breathe. i broke up with her and the therapist was tending to her because she was out of control sobbing. she did "everything" -i did "nothing." The therapist asked me if i "meant it"-i said i didn't know what else to do....now i'm doubting self-could i have done better?...i'm both numb and in a lot of pain. she kept pointing at me and i told her to stop. I said i'd read e-mail but if they were aggressive or blaming i'd delete them. she said "there's no way i'll e-mail". I said "ok". Carrie did i do right? I hurt alot inside. I told her there had been love but that it was like a jeckyl/hyde. I told her i missed her-no response. It's like I did it all wrong.
I did however say i didn't think it was a communication issue and it wasn't about me-it was about her. She went between fury and sobbing out of control.I am exhausted. Of course she's whining that it's holiday time...i.e. i'm ruining her holidays. She's ruining her own holidays. She had that sneering tone...and cried, and tried to interupt me, and was angry. i got quieter although at one point when she was going on and on how i didnt call her for 24hours I did in an angry voice say 'gee I'm soory i didn't handle my feelings of being betrayed how you would have liked"...
Still I feel scared and lonely and not exactly confident.
Please send some prayers-i feel alone and in pain.
Beth
H has been doing the same with crying and blaming me, to my face. Beth, I felt the same after I saw that they may actually feel some pain, I know that neither you or I want to cause others pain. I understand how it feels to question yourself. You hurt a lot inside, but that won't go away if you don't stay away from her and heal yourself and move on. I noticed you seemed a little more confident before this appt, that time with her has exhausted you! I'm numb too, we need to be. You didn't do this wrong. You did it the only way you could. I know you're confused, but you are getting there. When is the last time you felt loved? Not the last time you were told, but felt loved and accepted?
You're right, it's not a communication issue, I used to believe mine was, cause I stopped talking, it never helped. You're not ruining her holidays, you're saving yours with your boys. Hasn't she complained and complicated things you wanted to do for your boys? Please keep her and her confusing manipulative tactics out of your life, and enjoy the holidays with family.
You're in my prayers, of course! I'm scared and unsure, but if I screw up I'll start over again. You're not alone, lots of hugs!
Carrie
Oh sh*t, I just hit wrong button and deleted message. Thankyou for your words and support....reminding me of the controlling and manipulative tactics. Thanks for reminding me....I feel more loved and accepted by people from my Al-Anon meetings and more care from people like you and Lauren and C and others on this site....
My confidence was shaken. I felt like I did wrong. I felt bad. I started thinking maybe she'll "get it" . Or we could go to coffee. But I told my therapist if she really wanted to make amends she could go to an abusers group. . I told her that I'd require STD testing before I'd ever engage in sex and she was FURIOUS.
Why are you scared? Do you ever feel like having amnesia :) and going back? I bet it was hard when he kissed your head and said "i love you". She gave me gifts for chanukah and said "no strings attached" ,don't know what that means except now she's enraged with me, and pitying herself.
How are you doing? and your kids? What are you doing for holidays?
I'll need to tell my sons something soon. My one son will be home on Thursday.....I hate to say this but all my relationships have been abusive....their dad and then my female partners. I've read that children of abuse have "broken pickers". Don't want to blame myself but this has been my pattern. These people come on so wonderful and nurturing . I'm like a little starving girl. I need to nurture me. And have safe people in my life who care.....like you guys. No romance for me for a while!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And my partner tells me all my deficits, but I am a loving person and do have alot to offer. And again...I have to figure out how much to tell my kids. And they'll be devastated...they introduced her as a parent. How utterly cruel of her to do this to them. Yet all she's doing is feeling sorry for her self.
Oh. I'm going on and on...
Take care,
Beth
Thanks for listening, Thank you for your prayers and internet hugs....I hope you are well and taking care of you....prayers and hugs and blessings and feelings of safety back to you,
Beth
Honestly, the things that do do and say, their tone of voice, their body language. It's all so crazy! It's great that you stood up for yourself, your health, regarding the test for STD's.
The hard part about him kissing my head was my unconcious reaction that night and the next when he tried to hug me, I just tensed up and was stiff. Next week will be worse, he'll have time off of work for Christmas.
I don't know how to tell my kids, the ages are from 4-16. I'm noticing a pattern here too, with abusers. My kids have known H for 8 years, so I know what you mean about them being devastated. My youngest walks around saying "You and Daddy got married" I think to myself, I don't really want her walking around saying we got divorced. I also don't want her to be treated the same way as an adult though. I'm sure your boys will be fine, especially now that you'll be taking care of you. I'm with you, no dating for awhile, I need some time to myself, and need to figure myself out.
I'll have Christmas Eve with the kids at my Aunt's house, my mother's side of the family. H's family doesn't do anything together. Christmas Day we spend our morning together than 2 of the kids go with their father. It's my youngest sons birthday too, so we have cake and ice cream. I really hope you have a nice time visiting with your son, where will your other son be? Leave the abuser to feel sorry for herself, mine will be home having his own pity party.
Thanks Beth, especially for the prayers and hugs,
Carrie
Hi Carrie,
Thanks for the post...I hear your reaction of stiffening up and feeling tense. I am glad however that it doesn't bring up a longing to be touched/held....
I still second guess myself...but I'm working at letting those thoughts go..or I tell myself there's always room for miracles and maybe the pain will motivate her to get help . Oh well. I'm telling myself it's not necessarily forever that we're split-it helps me get through. My deep feelings of sorrow arew begging to come up-of course this time of year makes it very difficult too. I miss the good stuff terribly. And there is/was a high price to pay..
I'm going to tell my sons that we're no longer girlfriends -it will be up to him about calling or seeing her.. I guess reality is the best place to be. I'm not sure what else I'll say-I need to hear if he asks more-it may take time for him to simply digest the fact that we're not partners anymore....This son Philip is 23 and goes to college in NYC-he took off school a couple years to be a bike messenger . My other son Seth is 21 and is in college in Tolyo,Japan and was home this summer-he doesn't get a long winter break-Japanese people aren't so much into Christmas as a holiday I don't think...it's New Year's that the bigger deal. Plus it's very expensive to travel.We talk or e-mail weekly.
I'm g;lad you have family around. On Christmas day itself my son will be with his dad so I'll probably go to a friend's house and then maybe take a long walk with ,my dogs-not sure.
I feel a lot of inner anxiety. It's hard to concentrate, sleeping is interupted, and all that..but at other times i'm ok.
Have fun with your youngest sons birthday! They grow so fast-it's a cliche and it's true!!! I'll enjoy my son Philip too. I'm worried my tension and depression will get in the way-but I'll do the best I can. I suppose it's ok if I cry when I tell him...it's real, and it hurts. Plus it gives him permission to knopw it's ok to cry/express pain. I feel badly that this is turning out the way it is but it's better than the alternative-staying and suffering and depression. Also we are an example of courage and strength-and like those mastercard ads-that's priceless.
take good care,I'll send daily prayers to you
stay safe, enjoy your children
Beth
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