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| Mon, 06-20-2005 - 12:19pm |
I may be in an abusive rel. I posted on him a little while ago, but the topic was really more about not being able to trust him. That's one problem, but another is his miserable "sense of humor" he just treats me like crap sometimes, but then chalks it all up to "just kidding around." However, the effect is the same, the comments screw with my already fragile and almost non-existent self-esteem.
Arrrgh!!! Example: The other day, he was driving, I was next to him in the passenger seat. He lifts up my dress as we pass a male pedestrian who is walking on my side of the car and says: "Hey buddy I got something for you" I remained silent and was obviously angry but he wrote it off as a joke. He also pretends to hit me..but too often for my comfort. Like he'll raise his hand to me with a sarcastic smile on his face and then stop just short of my face. I fail to see the joke in pretending to hit someone...especially when it was unprovoked by any comment or action on my part.
I'm not accepting any more of this behavior butI think that those kind of gestures stem from his own insecurity around me because there's just no other reason for him to behave that way towards me. I am an angel to him and he treats me like a guy would treat a girl he didn't much care about sometimes. Other times he's nice...but...I know...we can't make excuses for abuse, no matter how small and harmless. Sometimes I think verbal and emotional abuse are worse that physical, since with physical there's no question that you're being treated inappropriately. I always unfortunately find myself questioning whether his "jokes" are actually just that "jokes" and maybe I'm overreacting. I guess it boils down to how it makes you feel. And guys I don't feel very good.

I'm glad you're tired of it, and not falling for it anymore. Have you ever told him that if he makes another "joke" like that, you're dumping him? I don't know if that would work if he's a full-fledged abuser, but it is still a crappy way to go through life with someone who does that to you.
Best of luck to you -- I am so familiar with that kind of behavior. It's the reason I haven't seen my older brother in five years!
This is so classic for these guys! Saying rude, nasty things or getting a little "rough" and then when we get upset saying we are oversensitive, have no sense of humor or can't take a joke!
My ex used to do this crap too. It was always that I was too sensitive or my favorite line, "The girl I married had a sense of humor. What happened to it?". I should have told him he must have knocked it out of me when he slapped me in the face the first time. I fell for this for years! This is just one more way they warp our sense of reality so that we don't know what's normal anymore. Now that I have been out of this relationship for over a year I look back and can't believe what I put up with. It is amazing.
Reading Lundy's book helped me so much in understanding this and making me realize that it is not normal. It is amazing to read that book and see the exact same words that STBX used to say! Then to get from the book the validation that it is him, not me that is disturbed.
Recognize his words for what they are, manipulation, abuse and control. It's not you, it's him!
Why do these guys think that they can do that?? For the longest time I thought that I was just sensitive or couldnt "take a joke". But then I realized thats his way of putting me down without making him look like that bad guy. To me "its just a joke" is the classic line of an abusor. I hear it all the time. A couple weeks ago he started in on his "joking" and after reading so many things on this board I actually stood up to him and asked him why he had to joke like that, that I didnt find it funny. His first response..."I do it because I know it irritates you" So I asked him why he thought it was funny to do things that irritate me if he KNEW i didnt like it. His response to that..."Well thats just how I am, thats how i like to joke and thats never going to change. You should know that by now and get used to it and quit being so sensitive." I then told him that "being sensitive was who I was and THAT was never going to change" and walked off. I have never seen such a dumbfounded look on his face. It felt really good to stand up to him and say something. Not that it did any good, he is still joking, and im still working on a plan to leave...but at least I felt good about myself for a few min!!
I have found through this board that if someone really loves you that they will do everything they can to make you feel GOOD, not bad. If they are doing anything that makes you feel bad about yourself then its not a good relationship. I know its always hard to leave a relationship...Im still strugling with that part. But I also know in the long run getting away from someone who makes you feel bad will do a ton of good in the future for you and your self esteem. Good luck and stay strong!!
And the fact that he said "I do it because it irritates you" is pretty much an admission that a) he's not joking at all, but tormenting you on purpose and b)he has some major anger/control issues.
Good for you for walking away! Just say no to people when they're sadistic pinheads!
--Fran