Psycho? Still? its been 3 years
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Psycho? Still? its been 3 years
| Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:42pm |
i am wondering why every man I meet, ends up calling me PSYCHO from my past issues from my ex
it feels like i have been ruined or scarred for life. Somehow, someway it continues to come back up, through the kids, or on the answering machine or something
the CONCLUSION-----------Everybody tells me I am Psycho. Unstable. Need Medication.
I wonder if I should just look at those men, and tell myself, if this is what you believe, you need more help than I?

Zen, I dealt with an ex who was bi-polar, and when he was on his meds, he was fine, but when he felt fine, he'd quit taking his meds.
yes im on my meds BUT
have had great financial difficulty. After my daughter's surgery in January, her spine became infected down to the bone, and she had to have her back re-opened. She ended up home with a PICC line in for 8 weeks flat on her back with yours truly to care for her alone. I love her and Im glad to say she is doing so much better now. I did lose income though during that time, taking care of her, and I guess Im feeling the wrath of it all now at once.
I also STRETCHED my meds to once daily instead of twice daily for about a month.
However, again, when I take the meds he gives me I feel drugged and sleep over 17 hours a day, cannot get out of bed. When I cut the dose in half, I cant sleep at night at all. There is No IN BETWEEN DOSE on the type of medication he has me on.
Therefore, I am going back to my internal medicine doctor next week to see if she can refer me to a new psychiatrist, and/or help me manage my medications. I also have not had my hypothyroidism blood levels checked in over a year, and my health insurance ends in 6 weeks from the divorce. I am health insurance shopping right now, but also in the middle of debt consolidation, two late mortgage payments, etc. Its hard, but Im trying real hard Tracy.
We know you're trying hun.
Zen, I understand where you are coming from regarding the financial issues (believe me, I know, it's why I'm running myself ragged trying to find a new job that will pay me a liveable wage), but I also know and intimately understand what it is like to try and manage chronic health issues - Type 1 diabetes, hypothyroidism, and as of last month, asthma.
CL-Blueliner4
Dear Zen...
honey, i've been coming to this board for as long as you have... i've read all about you and everything you've been through.
i don't, however, have children but i can tell you unequivocably that you are a very strong woman -- and with the extra responsibilities, i can honestly say that you are stronger than i am. you know this... you know that you have a backbone unequalled. you are also a very sensitive woman who sometimes takes what other's say to heart.
i was in your position. i knew i was good, i knew i was strong... but i would hear opinions of others and take it to heart and it would hurt my feelings.
what you must know inside is that getting away from an abusive man is a huge accomplishment... just as surviving a war.
many people don't understand it.. but what i learned was not to divulge too much information... i keep a lot of the details to myself... the details of living with satan.
and i also "act" as if i'm the coolest woman on earth... that i'm fabulous, i'm wonderful, and i KNOW that i'm smart and unbelievably cool.
i still have the memories of my marriage and i still know that it stay with me in a certain way... it's how we harness that, honey, that makes the difference.
people who haven't been through war don't know what it's like and it's easy for them to throw stones... do not keep in touch with these people. get used to knowing who's good and who's bad for you and ditch them accordingly.
i also found that it's one thing to have doubts and another to voice them... you know you're not paranoid or weird or over sensitive... you are simply more aware. use that awareness to your advantage and don't show any weakness.... the reason you don't show it is because you don't have it anymore.
the other thing is, you have to understand that you went through a lot, and that's it's ok to feel wary of someone or to not be comfortable in certain situations --- that's ok!!!
everything you are is ok. all that you feel is ok. ride out the feelings and go with it.
people are often easy to judge... especially when they are weak and you give them the ammunition. not all people are as strong as we are. not all people are as wise.
harness your experiences, honey. you are no long in a crappy marriage and that's because you have the balls to go beyond complaining and taking it and taking action and making your life your own.
you have so much to be proud of... if anyone ever makes you doubt yourself or what you've accomplished, ditch them.
i am proud of you. i have read your posts for years, i know what you have overcome and i can't tell you how much i respect you.
now your job is to go forth in life and feel and know that you are the incredible woman that you are.
apparently those who don't get it aren't the type of people you should be around.
you have accomplished something bigger and higher than most. feel it and know it.
my best to you always, honey.
Hugs and Double Hugs!!
I so SO needed this post
Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This means more to me than you will ever know. I am printing it out and carrying it with me at all times.
I have alot more to say, but I am swamped with the typing job.
I do so want to talk with you and the others who responded, really soon.
Thank you for your gift. Your words are worth more to me than anything on this earth.
Pam
hi pam...
you are very welcome.
like i said, i've followed your story... i know what you went through when you were married and i know the challenges you have faced since leaving him.
you are a gem, you are a perfect example to women who are not strong. you chose to leave, you chose to look uncertainty in the face and give it the finger -- because you knew deep down that you are doing the right thing... the right thing for yourself and for your children.
so many times women complain and complain yet they never take action. YOU DID! do you realize what you have inside you that allowed you to do that??? you are a fabulous woman! you decided to take charge of your life!! you have chosen to ditch the fear and worries and to take a chance on a new life. what a gift you have given yourself!
the rewards you see may not be visible right away... they may take a while to take hold... it may be a while before you really feel inside that what you have done is so important and so spiritually sound... but it is.
many, many women post here and go on and on about their mates and how they are being abused.... you saw it, you decided to do something about it, and you bit the bullet and made the choices that show such love for yourself and your children.
who cares what other's think? you're going through a spiritual evolution... you may not feel it now and you may question yourself and hear the questionings of others... once again, i say that only you knows what it took for you to leave and start fresh. and sometimes these rewards aren't seen until later.. sometimes they take time to see and to realize... every day you should realize that you have done something so wonderful that there's nothing in your way now. ditch the bad people and embrace the good ones.
you left an abusive situation and walked into the unknown -- do you realize how much strength that took? do you realize what you have inside of you that sets you apart from others??? take stock in that, honey, because you have a gift... you have such a gift of love and strength... you are not a woman who takes crap and whines about it.
like i said, i remember all of your posts and i know what you've felt and said and all the fears you've put forth in your writing here. you are not a woman others feel sorry for!!! you are a woman others envy.
you and i have been coming here to post our thoughts for about the same time, at least 4 years or so. our stories are very similar, except that i don't have children... but you, you took on extra responsibilities and you have set an example for your children.
we both left our abusive mates for the same reasons.... we decided that our self-respect and self-love was worth much more than living a life of tears and dissapointment.
i started out my single life somewhat damaged... and by damaged, i mean that i was unsure of myself and vulnerable to the opinions of others.... until i met women like us who had evolved further and have learned that making the decision to leave and doing it gives us a self-esteem that cannot be undertood by others.
if other people don't get it, so what? you left a crappy guy. you had the balls to do it and to build a new life for yourself. who cares what other's think? they haven't lived your life, nor have they experienced your journey.
i have learned to be judicious in what i tell people... people tend to make judgments based on what they hear and i've learned that having a "quiet confidence" is worth more than spilling my guts... it took me a few years to realize that... took me a while to realize that i'm not obligated to tell people my story, that i'm not obligated to justify myself to anyone else. i see if someone is not good for me and i end the relationship - whether it's a friend or a romantic interest. i have no fear anymore.
right now, as you are coming out of the experience, you are growing and stretching more than you realize... let yourself go through that... you'll find that the less you talk about it, the more you'll be more confident in everything you've become. it's no one's business what your life was life before now... you know you are the coolest chick of all time because you did it! you're not an insecure girl anymore, you're a self-realized, grown woman who knows what she needs and wants.
sometimes when you tell people how you got where you are, they think it's an open door to tell you what they think and what their opinions are... i tell you to give them the perverbial finger and to feel your strength inside and not take their opinions to heart.
many people will question you or throw out opinions or judgments simply because they don't get it. also, people will often judge because of their own insecurities or inability to feel content within themselves about their choices.
you have shut the door on your old life. you have opened the door to endless possibilities! mainly, you have opened the door to your soul and spirit and you have to admit, what you have done took balls. it took a kick-@ss woman to walk straight into the unknown - knowing all along you would be ok.
i am so proud of you. i am proud you and i have taken this path. you will find, as years go by, that the dust will settle and you will eventually feel a calm like never before.
as you meet people you will find it less important to tell you where you came from.... they will wonder how you got to be so cool and so strong... they'll come to you for advice, and they will envy your backbone.
i am proud of you, pam, and every night i want you to lie in bed before falling aleep and know that you are extraordinarily unique - truly a person to be envied.
once you start realizing what you've done and how awesome it really is, you will start feeling a true sense of self-control and self-esteem. i want you to wake up every morning knowing you are the coolest woman! say to yourself, "i am sooo cool! here i am, free and happy and despite anything that comes my way, i can handle it!"
you've far surpassed the bitching and whining... you took action. as to those who don't understand... well f*ck them. you are the only person who knows yourself... if you are slipping or having a hard time, you will know it before and without anyone telling you and you will know what you need.
the one thing i also realized is that the opinions of others are not important. it took me a while after my divorce from satan to realize that i didn't need validation from others... and it was that validation that i badly needed through my journey... eventually, i learned that what i did and what i've accomplished is much more important than the fleeting judgments of others.
once again, i have immense respect for you, pam. you are not a woman we all feel sorry for because she can't find her way... you found your way and you took hold of life and made decisions and stuck to them.
you are a wonderful person. after all you've lived with, you can do anything you want. harness your new-found ego and mental health and walk with your head held high. you owe no one answers or explanations for anything. you rule!
take good care, honey. i'm rooting for you and if you can't see how fabulous you are -- i can!!!!
so it's years down the road and i remember you and admire you. don't you ever doubt yourself or your decisions.
bless you :) every night i want you to sleep soundly knowing you are a wonderful, fabulous, strong, incredible woman.
don't you ever forget that... because there are women like me out here who have learned from your experiences and who have accompanied you on this wonderful journey.
hey girl
all i can say is your are AWESOME!!!!!!
can we email each other
or talk on AIM?
I really would like to be friends.
Pam
email "justforzen@aol.com"
i set it up for you to send your aim name to me.
make it clear to me who you are in the subject line and we'll talk then :)